Archive: January, 2012

Still ahead of the curve

The fourth instalment of our episodic short story has been published over at Cricinfo and there’s still little sign of administrative fiction becoming a popular new literary genre.

• Part one
• Part two
• Part three
• Part four

The final part should appear later in the week.

Giles Clarke given CBE

We know this isn’t ‘news’ as such, but Giles Clarke was named in the New Year’s honours list. We believe he was awarded with a CBE for associating with known felons.

Some might say that we shouldn’t hold one mistake against a man, which is true. It’s all the other stuff as well.

Thanks to David for pointing this out to us. We long ago discarded the New Year’s honours list as a complete irrelevance. No offence to the lass, but we don’t really see the point of the monarchy and can’t get too worked up when its head hands out chunks of the alphabet.

Jacques Kallis is fitter than he looks

Jacques Kallis bowled a ball at about 90mph today. Generally speaking, he was bowling faster than Philander, Steyn and Morkel.

Despite looking more like a rugby player, Kallis has always been pretty slippery when the mood’s taken him. It’s astonishing that he can still do this when he’s 36-years-old. Few can do it at all at that age, let alone those who’ve played 400-and-odd international matches.

The average quick bowler covers about 15 miles a day during a Test match. Even the wicketkeeper averages about 10. Kallis doesn’t clock too many overs, but he does bat a bit. In fact, wait a minute – didn’t he hit 224 earlier in this match?

Maybe his new hair is impregnated with nandrolone. You thought it was vanity that led to his new mane, but it was actually a desire for an intrafollicular supply of anabolic steroids.

Vernon Philander takes wickets for fun

Other than Angus Fraser, few bowlers have appeared to do it as penance.

Many people’s definition of an all-rounder is that they should average more with the bat than they do with the ball. Vernon Philander isn’t a million miles away from that and his batting average is only 7.75.

His bowling average is 12.82 at the time of writing. Being as the website’s barely working at the minute, that figure will be totally wrong by the time you read this, but still, you get what we’re saying.

If you don’t get what we’re saying, we’re saying that Vernon Philander has a very low bowling average.

A few Tests away from home will see his figures fatten up like a family that’s just moved to the United States, but for now he can feel pretty pleased with himself and South Africa can stick with their entirely unexpected plan of having Dale Steyn as a supporting act.

Ricky Ponting earns a hundred

There have been times when we’ve thought that a fat man doing naked limbo in the office would have more dignity than Ricky Ponting. However, he can have his moments.

He often speaks well these days and he seemed dignified when he reached 100 against India at the SCG as well. This might seem an odd thing to say considering he had a mouthful of turf, a dislodged helmet and a stain on his front that made it look like a giant had used his shirt as toilet paper, but it was the way he reacted that made an impression on us.

He was happy. He was genuinely delighted. He wasn’t jumping around, punching the air and bellowing swear words at the sky. He was just sort of dusting himself down and smiling.

He was unarsed about looking like a complete dickhead. It was a triviality compared to the hundred he’d been working towards for almost two years. We’d say he deserved it and the effort is why he so obviously appreciated it.

Fit and misfiring

We don’t try and steer clear of stupidity altogether – that would be unrealistic – but we do generally try and avoid saying anything too moronic until both sides have batted. Even so, we’re tempted to get in early today after India were again bowled out easily by Australia.

India have some good bowlers, but a first innings lead seems unlikely. MS Dhoni has been quick to point to the injuries his team were suffering when they lost to England, but that doesn’t apply here. The batting is letting them down. The only question is whether Australia’s batting will let them down to an even greater degree.

It is now exactly a year since Gautam Gambhir did anything of any consequence. That’s nowhere near our personal best, but people are starting to write articles about him. Does our lack of effort not warrant the same recognition?

Two more parts of a thing

We did consider upping our game with regards to post titles, but then we thought: ‘Why risk it?’

Cricinfo have published two more episodes of our increasingly bleak cricket administration short story.

Happy New Year. Here are some links.

• Part one
• Part two
• Part three

Ian Bell: Lord Megachief of Gold 2011

That’s right – Ian Bell. Weird but true.

Dale Steyn came pretty close to becoming the second player to earn a promotion to Grand Lord Megachief of Gold, but Ian Bell’s year was just too ridiculous to overlook.

Some numbers

11 Test innings, 950 runs, five hundreds, an average of 118.75 and he scored at about four runs an over as well. That’s the kind of year that can sway even someone who once made indifference to Ian Bell an official editorial stance.

And we did need some swaying as well. We never wanted to name an English player Lord Megachief of Gold. We didn’t want such a respectable award to be sullied by allegations of bias. There shouldn’t be any danger of that, considering the above.

Some words

For his first couple of innings of 2011, it was easy to overlook Bell. He hit hundreds in both of them, but they were the usual ‘someone else got there first’ hundreds.

The first was at Sydney where England won the Ashes. The second was against Sri Lanka and that series saw some selfless batting from the man. As well as that support act hundred, there was a solo effort in the third Test and some feisty declaration batting sandwiched in between. It’s that flexibility that elevates Bell above Alastair Cook in our eyes. He is now seemingly a batsman for all situations.

Number three

Ian Bell had always bleated on about being a number three batsman to anyone within earshot while simultaneously making an extraordinarily compelling case that he was anything but that. Put him in the middle order and he scored runs quite happily, but move him to three and suddenly Tim Munton was his batting role model.

Midway through the second Test against India, he got yet another chance at three after Jonathan Trott knacked his shoulder in the field. England had conceded a first innings deficit of 67 and then lost Alastair Cook in the fourth over of their second innings. Bell hit 159 and England won by 319 runs.

Of course the dopey knobhead undermined his efforts to some degree by getting himself temporarily run-out. India’s noble decision to allow him to bat on overshadows that innings a bit, so Bell needed to do something else.

In his last Test innings of 2011, he hit 235. England won by an innings. From winning the Ashes to becoming the top-ranked Test side, Ian Bell was there throughout. He has played so well that we now actually give a toss whether he’s in the team or not. It’s a staggering transformation.

Congratulations, Ian. You are Lord Megachief of Gold 2011.