We were hugely, hugely impressed with Graeme Smith and Neil McKenzie in the Lord’s Test. We don’t care what the pitch was like - just imagine coming out to bat after you’ve been so comprehensively trampled for three days. Imagine what would have happened to England in the same situation.

Beaten men play crap cricket. These pair summoned some almighty resolve to do what they did. Playing one beautiful shot is easy - that’s a one-off. Playing virtually no stupid shots for an entire day is quite another. You can’t fluke that. That is near-superhuman concentration.

Would Andrew Flintoff have dispatched them? Maybe, but there’s no way of knowing, so let’s not go down that road - it looks busy down there, for one thing. It seems fairly certain that he’ll return now though and that IS a big deal. It’s like real cricket’s back.

If Flintoff does replace Collingwood, we’ve some good news for those who are worried about a potentially flimsy middle order. Someone’s had a word with Fred and given him some top quality coaching which should sort out his batting once and for all.

In his own words: “I’ve been seeing the ball well all season, but my body and my hands aren’t going in the right places.”

Diagnosing the problem’s 80 percent of the battle.

Tags: Andrew Flintoff, England, South Africa by King Cricket
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Because this is about Andrew Flintoff.

Flintoff hid a blinding fifty and produced match-winning bowling figures of 3-17 off his four overs in Lancashire’s stunning Twenty20 quarter final victory over Middlesex, which might conceivably not have happened.

One thing’s for certain though, a man/boy who doesn’t know the difference between a W and a V didn’t hit a hundred for Middlesex. Nope. No sirree. No way.

Ssh.

Tags: Andrew Flintoff, Dawid Malan, county cricket by King Cricket
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“Voila!”

Brilliant, Fred. It’s a cricket ball. We’ve all seen a cricket ball before.

What’s next in your box of tricks? A bat? A box?

Tags: Andrew Flintoff, lies about pictures by King Cricket
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Not a cow or an ocelot or a langur monkey, but some sort of robotic beast specifically created to fire out intimidating back-of-a-length bowling.

Paul Horton’s hundred looks even better after Durham were bowled out for 90. James Anderson took most of the wickets, but according to Lancashire’s captain, Stuart Law, it was Flintoff who “put the shits up them bowling at 90 or 95 miles an hour.”

Nice to know that Flintoff can now direct the shits. Law didn’t specify whether these were the wild shits, however.

We’d like to see Andrew Flintoff play more county cricket to help remind him how to bat. However, we’re probably more keen on seeing him bowl for England. You can’t have everything, but at times Flintoff’s bowling feels like everything.

Tags: Andrew Flintoff, England, county cricket by King Cricket
7 Comments »

Stop the press!

Our policy of bringing you news from the past can wait when there’s actual, real, brand-new news of this calibre: Andrew Flintoff can’t turn out for the England Lions because he’s got ‘a stomach bug’.

Always bringing you the stories within the stories, we at King Cricket can confirm that Flintoff is not merely suffering from ‘the shits’, he has actually been struck down by ‘the wild shits’.

Medical sources within the England camp have outlined how Flintoff may well be out of action for several days. A common-or-garden case of the shits can be successfully treated with rehydration salts dissolved in water. However, the wild shits can result in acute abdominal pain, repeated toilet trips over a longer period of time and ultimately severe weight loss.

Sufferers of the wild shits often report feeling like ‘there’s nothing left’.

Our thoughts go out to Flintoff at this time of crisis: If it makes you feel any better Freddie, a case of the wild shits will truly make a man of you.

Tags: Andrew Flintoff, England by King Cricket
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Five wickets for Monty Panesar - there’s a sentence that’s been conspicuous by its absence of late. He only did it for England Lions though, who we’re going to start calling England Second XI, because that’s much more accurate.

If you’re going to name one of your national teams after an animal, at least name it after a native one, like the badger or the weasel or the mole.

Andrew Flintoff’s going to ‘link-up’ with the England Hedgehogs, although it will be in a non-playing capacity, which should get everyone good and excited.

The crowds will surely turn out in force. Wow at Flintoff’s relaxed demeanour. Marvel as he has ‘a bit of banter’ with his on-pitch team mates. Gasp as he reveals that his recuperation is coming along ‘quite well’.

This England Second XI squad that’s competing in the Duleep Trophy in India is one of the least interesting in years. Adil Rashid’s involved, which is good and we’ll be interested to see how Liam Plunkett gets on, but the move away from youth and towards being a second XI has taken away a lot of intrigue. These players are fairly well known.

Tags: Andrew Flintoff, Monty Panesar by King Cricket
27 Comments »

Andrew Flintoff’s been away quite a long time now. He hasn’t featured in full health for England for even longer. We were starting to forget what was so good about him, but we think we remember. It’s because he has an impact.

Career averages of 32 with both bat and ball aren’t earth-shattering, but Andrew Flintoff can affect a Test match. Test matches have corners when Flintoff plays, they don’t trundle down the straight and narrow.

He might not always contribute (at least not with the bat) but he can produce those exceptional performances we were on about that win Test matches. You can’t foresee the exact course of a match before it’s even started when Andrew Flintoff plays and if you really need a wicket, he’ll damn well get you one, more often than not. Except for that Lord’s Test against Sri Lanka we were on about yesterday - we’re not forgiving him for that one.

Don’t misread this as sepia-tinted Andrew Flintoff worship. It’s nothing to do with wanting him back. It’s to do with wanting the 11 current players to influence proceedings.

Maybe if everyone should stop ‘putting their hands up’ and instead use those palms and digits to set about winning a Test match.

Tags: Andrew Flintoff, England by King Cricket
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We’ve been weighing up whether to address today’s ‘big story’ or not all day. The latest extract from Duncan Fletcher’s upcoming autobiography reveals how Andrew Flintoff turned up for a practice session during the 2007 Ashes series a little the worse for wear. He was captain at the time.

Apparently it was a still-drunk-from-the-night-before situation. Flintoff couldn’t throw properly and Fletcher thought he was going to injure him when he gave him catching practice. The practice session was abandoned and Fletcher was a little annoyed.

It all makes what seemed like a bit of an overreaction in the wake of Flintoff’s World Cup drinking accident with a pedalo seem a little bit more understandable.

We never commented on the pedalo thing for the same reasons that we weren’t going to comment on this. It’s being done to death in every newspaper and who cares what we think anyway? However, there’s one thing that really bugs us, hence this textual dirge of an update.

Why the hell does Andrew Flintoff have to keep embracing his cartoonish, heavy-drinking image? The man’s turning into a caricature. The man’s turning into Ian Botham.

We don’t care if he drinks. We care if he’s known for drinking though. We’d much rather he was known for cricket.

Tags: Andrew Flintoff, England by King Cricket
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