13 sixes in 106 one-day international innings and then he hits five during one knock. Andrew Strauss’s six-hitting has gone up a notch.
It’s now at notch one.
Not sure what notch Shahid Afridi’s up to, but he’s hit 272 one-day international sixes. Afridi’s probably not got much time for notches though, so it doesn’t really matter.
There’s all sorts of odd cricket equipment around these days, but we’ve no idea why someone would attach a handle to their own underwear to better enable them to self-wedgie.
Not Michael Vaughan style painting. DIY style painting. We all know how rubbish cricketers are when it comes to DIY.
Andrew Strauss probably gets a man in to load the next toilet roll.
He doesn’t even know which way he’s supposed to face.
At least he’s pointing the brush the right way though.
Someone rotate that man through 180 degrees and tell him to carry on.
It’s the shape of a club with nails sticking out of it and he’s clumping towards Australia with it, looking like Daniel Day Lewis in Gangs of New York (although Strauss hasn’t got the nauseating stench of an unbearably dull film accompanying him).
It seems such a long, long time ago now, but Andrew Strauss was massively crap for about a year. He then hit a career saving hundred against New Zealand in what had seemed like being his final Test innings. He then hit another hundred against the same opponents shortly afterwards.
At the time, we worried that Strauss was being flattered by his performances against a relatively weak New Zealand side. We were impressed by his resilience at the same time though. When he hit that first hundred, he knew his career was slithering away, but he didn’t let that or the fact that he was batting like a half-cut Phil Tufnell stop him. That’s grit.
Then he was crap against South Africa and it seemed like maybe he had flattered to deceive after all. But had he balls.
Next thing you know, he’s hitting two hundreds in an away Test against India and then hitting hundreds in three successive Tests against the West Indies. Andrew Strauss ruled the winter and he’d barely got going.
It wasn’t so much the runs he scored in this Ashes series, it was the fact that he seemed so solid. For precarious match situations to seemingly have such little effect on the captain of the England cricket team is astonishing. To lead the side to Ashes victory after getting levelled in the fourth Test is even more so.
Andrew Strauss is an England captain who’s quite comprehensively won us over.
The BBC go with “Strauss makes Ashes rallying call”.
England’s captain is geeing up the troops with fist-pumping lines such as:
“You have to earn the right to be on top in a match and that is why what we did at Headingley was a bit of shocker. We have learnt our lessons. It’s vital we make sure we do the basics right.”
Struggling to restrain his adrenaline-fuelled team, he continued with:
“We can take a lot of confidence from the fact that we are at 1-1. There is no reason for us to be negative.”
It’s just like that scene from Braveheart.
Phil Hughes edged a Flintoff delivery to the slips. Andrew Strauss scooped it up, but did it graze the turf? The umpires didn’t refer it, but if they had have done, Hughes would certainly have been given not out.
The heart bleeds. The Australian view is that Hughes would definitely have gone on and made 260. Our own view is that if you’re in the habit of edging balls to the slips, you’re not batting that well.
Of course, neither argument can hold sway because it’s all supposition. However, what we do know is that this kind of pedantic nit-picking and straw-clutching is exactly the kind of thing that gave rise to the term ‘whinging Poms’.
Was Phil Hughes actually out? Look in t’book.
If cricketers’ use of the word ‘momentum’ were given physical form, we’d like to meet it.
Even if it were an innocent-looking child holding a balloon, we’d still have no qualms about punching it square in the face with all our might. We’d watch the balloon floating skywards and think to ourselves that we’d made the world a better place.
After England’s largely inadequate performance in the first Test, Andrew Strauss said:
“Momentum is a massive thing and what happened today will give us a big lift for the rest of the Ashes.”
Teams can seemingly take momentum from just about any carefully selected moment during a five-day Test match.
Mitchell Johnson’s probably taken momentum from the rare deliveries where he didn’t miss the cut strip.
Why, Andrew? Why? Why do you say these things? Have you never watched a film? You’ve just turned yourself into the character who overlooks a minor detail in the first scene, unaware of the DIRE CONSEQUENCES your seemingly minor oversight will have.
Strauss was speaking about how Australia’s Phillip Hughes will be playing for Middlesex alongside him going into the Ashes.
“It’s not a huge concern of mine – there are lots of things to worry about in the coming weeks, the fact he’s playing here’s not one of them. There’s no point losing sleep, it won’t win or lose us the Ashes.”
This absolutely will lose us the Ashes.
Andrew Strauss is neglecting to put the last bolt into the bit of submarine he’s working on because a shipmate has come into the room with some rum. The rum can wait, Andrew. The rum can wait. Put the bolt in. Put it in.
Do you not know that you’re messing with people’s lives here!
Andrew Strauss has hit five hundreds this winter. Having done extensive statistical analysis, we have deemed that ‘acceptable’. We went out to canvass public opinion about the England captain.
Malcolm Rathbone, 48, said:
“That Strauss is a symbol of all that’s great about Britain. This is the kind of thing we’d get if we didn’t allow all those damned immigrants into the side.
“Like that South African chap – what does he know of British values? Coming over here, taking our jobs. We should keep the foreigners out. It’s the England cricket team, not the United Nations.”
We pointed out that Andrew Strauss was born in Johannesburg.
“Well it’s pretty obvious that he’s one of them; taking our money but giving nothing back to British society. What’s playing cricket going to achieve? Maybe he’d be better off trying to do something about the yob culture that’s blighting our towns.
“He’s just a drain on the honest, working British public. He’ll be making us eat sauerkraut and forcing us all convert to Islam before you know it. Keep Britain British, that’s what I say.”
As we edged away, Malcolm was muttering about how he’d drive round to Strauss’s house and burn it down if he hadn’t lost his licence after killing that kid while drink driving.
The pitch may have been as flat as a well-ironed pancake, but Andrew Strauss has continued his spectacular winter form. This was his fourth hundred for eight times out.
He attacked as well. Strauss scored 142 of England’s 301-3 and he was out almost immediately after tea. He batted so well that after three hours of the first day, the West Indies looked like they were playing for a draw and we’re a strong believer that if you adopt that mentality, you lose, no matter how friendly the pitch is.
In truth, the Windies scrabbled back a bit of ground later on. The recovery began with Daren Powell’s blinding ball to Strauss. If you’re going to lose your wicket, do it in style. It was a spectacular fountain of stumps and limbs and a great way to end a great innings
Animals being conspicuously indifferent to cricket
Cricket bats in unusual places
Live cricket commentary