Ricky Ponting

Ricky Ponting earns a hundred

There have been times when we’ve thought that a fat man doing naked limbo in the office would have more dignity than Ricky Ponting. However, he can have his moments.

He often speaks well these days and he seemed dignified when he reached 100 against India at the SCG as well. This might seem an odd thing to say considering he had a mouthful of turf, a dislodged helmet and a stain on his front that made it look like a giant had used his shirt as toilet paper, but it was the way he reacted that made an impression on us.

He was happy. He was genuinely delighted. He wasn’t jumping around, punching the air and bellowing swear words at the sky. He was just sort of dusting himself down and smiling.

He was unarsed about looking like a complete dickhead. It was a triviality compared to the hundred he’d been working towards for almost two years. We’d say he deserved it and the effort is why he so obviously appreciated it.

Ricky Ponting is not Australia captain

Getting a new Australia captain is like getting a new Doctor Who. It takes quite a while to get used to the new one because his face is all wrong.

As a captain, Ricky Ponting was both hugely admirable and a world-class tool. A Ricky Ponting interview normally features lots of plain speaking and references to the importance of Test cricket and this is both refreshing and reassuring. A fundamentally honest guy, there was a lot to like about Ponting at times like this.

On the pitch, his tooldom came to the fore, not least when decisions didn’t go his way. The dummy spittery could reach epic proportions and the infamous haranguing of Aleem Dar during this year’s Ashes was actually only the latest in a long line of incidents where he has had long conversations with umpires that seemed to be about how he was right and they were wrong. ‘Shut up and get on with the cricket’ was the phrase most used by viewers at home.

In terms of how he’s carried out the job in the last couple of years, it’ll be interesting to see how Michael Clarke fares. That’ll provide a basis for comparison. We suspect that Australia’s spin woes will recede just a touch, but we also don’t think Ponting was quite as bad a captain and man manager as many have been making out. International captaincy is a far-reaching and highly pressured job and you don’t last for as long as Ponting did without being half-decent at it.

Ricky Ponting is no longer the enemy figurehead. Now that we think about it, it’s not so much like getting a new Doctor Who as getting a new Darth Vader. Next hate figure please.

Why did Ricky Ponting smash a TV?

There are some great stories going around about Ricky Ponting smashing a telly after being run-out against Zimbabawe.

We like the ones that depict feeble tantrums rather than those where he has THE RAGE. Our two favourites so far are:

1. That he threw his gloves at the TV and now there is no picture on three-quarters of the screen (does he keep magnets in his gloves?)
2. He threw his box in his bag. It bounced and bust the telly.

Both good stories for their unlikeliness. The real reason is more mundane. As a child, Ricky Ponting had a very bad Halloween experience with someone dressed as Evil Edna.

Without wishing to go into details about that particular incident, immediately before he powered his bat through the screen this week, Ponting was heard to shout: “No means no, Evil Edna. No means no!”

Australia’s captain and spinners

The more we think about it, the more these two things go hand-in-hand.

The situation was this. Nathan Hauritz got the boot because he got wellied in India like just about every other spinner who ever goes over there. Demented selections ensued.

Maybe Hauritz offended Ricky Ponting by suggesting that he stop setting fields that were complete dog toss – we may never know. What we do know is that Ponting is pretty damn certain he doesn’t want Hauritz in his team ever again, even if he has to pick a shit spinner or no spinner at all instead.

Xavier Doherty was the shit spinner. Michael Beer was no spinner at all. It couldn’t have gone worse.

So what went wrong, specifically?

Partly it was a ‘grass is greener’ mentality. Shane Warne isn’t playing any more, although some people (desperate idiots) think he should be. Australia don’t have a spin bowler who’s even half as good as Stuart MacGill, so they should stop looking for one.

If you’ve got a bowler that good, you know about him. He isn’t out there disguised as a Beer or a Doherty.

If you’ve got Nathan Hauritz, use him properly. Don’t undermine him. Don’t discard him. If you’ve got a Steve O’Keefe, encourage him; build him up.

You certainly don’t just pick any old spinner and then drop him almost immediately. You tell all your spinners they’re not good enough when you do that, not just the one who’s come and gone.

And the captain?

Ricky Ponting has to take a lot of the blame. 152 Test matches and he doesn’t know how to handle spinners either on or off the field. That’s just embarrassing.

But again, is the grass greener? Ponting might not seem like a great option as captain right now, but he has learnt something in those 152 Tests and if someone can persuade him to drop down the order, he’s almost certainly still worth his place in the Test team, unlike many of the alternatives.

Things aren’t perfect, but hunting for perfection when it doesn’t exist is counterproductive. This isn’t to say we don’t think Ponting should be asked to step down. It’s to say think about it. There were plenty of other things wrong with Australia’s Ashes teams.

Ricky Ponting talking to the umpires

Whinging Poms? Has the world ever seen a whingier cricketer than Ricky Thomas Ponting?

Sport needs a bit of ‘us and them’ so that you can enjoy it properly, so it was perversely enjoyable to see Ponting spend three-quarters of an hour bending Aleem Dar’s ear. As he stamped his feet with tears rolling down his pudgy munchkin face, it was just about impossible not to feel your support for England swelling by the second – even if you were Australian.

Ponting has ‘previous’ when it comes to bitching and moaning at umpires. He’s got something of the Premiership footballer about him in that he’ll lean right in the umpire’s face, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the decision has been made and will never be changed in a million years.

Aleem Dar knows how to deal with Ricky Ponting. He blankly explained what had happened, effortlessly rising above the situation. Then, later on, he called for a no-ball review when a wicket had been taken, saving Matt Prior. On the outside Dar remained just as blank-faced when the no-ball was confirmed, but on the inside he was pointing and laughing at ol’ Spit Hands, red-faced and fuming in his tatty green hat.

Wishing Ricky Ponting’s finger all the best

This is a slightly weird feeling, but we really want Ricky Ponting to play at the MCG.

Much as we want England to win easily, beating a side captained by Michael Clarke just wouldn’t be right. Ricky Ponting is the most significant player on either side and it brings the occasion down a notch if he’s not there.

To be clear, this is nothing at all to do with the fact that we want Australia to have a number three batsman who was having trouble scoring runs even when his fingers were intact, because if he plays, we reckon Ricky’ll get runs.

When there’s a crowd the size of the one expected at the MCG, everything changes. Young pretenders go all wobbly and your old gnarl dogs take advantage. Compared to everyone else, Ricky Ponting will be largely unarsed by tens of thousands of people staring at him on Boxing Day.

Ricky Ponting strives for coherence

“I guess we speak pretty loosely, don’t we, about looking forward to the Ashes and all that – and we are, but it’s not with both eyes. We’ve got one eye on that and one eye on what we need to get in place to make sure we’re the best team we can be for November.”

What?

Ricky Ponting: It’s possible to inflict self-inflicted problems on your opponents

Is there no limit to Ricky Ponting’s powers?

Pakistan are currently in some disarray. Ponting says:

“I guess a lot of the stuff that is happening around their side at the moment was probably stuff they brought on themselves.”

He then adds:

“If you play really well, you can create that stuff happening around teams.”

Ponting made Pakistan bring things on themselves.

You’re probably thinking: ‘Ricky Ponting is a complete tool belt.’

You haven’t thought that yourself. Ponting’s made you think that.

Kemar Roach to Ricky Ponting

Kemar Roach didn’t break Ricky Ponting’s elbow, but Ponting must have been mainlining milk for the past six years for that not to happen. He’s David Dunn to Nasser Hussain’s Mr Glass.

Kemar Roach bowls at 90-95mph and when he learns that he should bowl with the wind instead of against it, even Ponting will be in danger of the odd fracture.

You’ve got to love Roach. ‘Do you want to open the batting?’ should elicit the same response as ‘Would you like some company?’ or ‘Do you think you’ve had enough to drink?’

Kemar Roach makes opening the batting as unpleasant as it’s supposed to be – as unpleasant as life in general.

Ricky Ponting is getting old

Ricky Ponting must be nearing retirement age because we’re starting to appreciate him.

We read a statistic the other day that about one in five top seven Test batsmen average over 50. That’s a ludicrous figure, but players like Sachin Tendulkar and Ricky Ponting were averaging over 50 long before it became fashionable. Watch them play and you know why.

Ricky Ponting’s 150 at Cardiff in the first Ashes Test was the kind of unattainable batting perfection that commentators always demand and never receive because cricketers are actually humans. It was kind of sterile in its flawlessness though; admirable in the same way as really efficient engineering.

If that innings was all about a solid batsman making the right decisions again and again and again, today’s one-day hundred revealed slightly more of the ability that Ponting ordinarily unleashes so watchfully. Few batsmen could mimic the six he hit off Rashid; across the line into the off side, but right out of the middle of the bat. Still fewer could have advanced towards Ryan Sidebottom, got nowhere near the pitch and yet hit the ball so cleanly we swear it disappeared into the clouds.

However, the surest signs that he’s getting on a bit have been seen in post-match interviews where Ponting has revealed himself to be something other than a colossal tool – a fact he managed to keep concealed from us for the first 14 years of his international career.

If you’re worried about us, don’t worry, watching Ricky Ponting flip out is still one of our greatest joys.