Ricky Ponting

Ricky Ponting is getting old

Ricky Ponting must be nearing retirement age because we’re starting to appreciate him.

We read a statistic the other day that about one in five top seven Test batsmen average over 50. That’s a ludicrous figure, but players like Sachin Tendulkar and Ricky Ponting were averaging over 50 long before it became fashionable. Watch them play and you know why.

Ricky Ponting’s 150 at Cardiff in the first Ashes Test was the kind of unattainable batting perfection that commentators always demand and never receive because cricketers are actually humans. It was kind of sterile in its flawlessness though; admirable in the same way as really efficient engineering.

If that innings was all about a solid batsman making the right decisions again and again and again, today’s one-day hundred revealed slightly more of the ability that Ponting ordinarily unleashes so watchfully. Few batsmen could mimic the six he hit off Rashid; across the line into the off side, but right out of the middle of the bat. Still fewer could have advanced towards Ryan Sidebottom, got nowhere near the pitch and yet hit the ball so cleanly we swear it disappeared into the clouds.

However, the surest signs that he’s getting on a bit have been seen in post-match interviews where Ponting has revealed himself to be something other than a colossal tool – a fact he managed to keep concealed from us for the first 14 years of his international career.

If you’re worried about us, don’t worry, watching Ricky Ponting flip out is still one of our greatest joys.

Booing Ricky Ponting

Giles Clarke says England fans shouldn’t boo Ricky Ponting. He thinks it shows a lack of respect for a great batsman. He thinks it’s offensive.

Well, you can happily discard Giles Clarke and his comments. Giles Clarke likes being photographed next to a big box of money. Not only that, but he pretty much rubs up against the box like a lonely dog  and ejaculates in his pants when it happens. Now that’s offensive.

However, could we recommend that spectators make use of the silent boo? As we’ve told you before, this is the greatest weapon in the critic’s armoury.

Watching Ricky Ponting flip out

Ricky Ponting always reminds us of the spoilt youngest daughter in a story about an upper class family set in the Fifties. She’s short, ridiculously spoilt and on the rare occasions she doesn’t get her way, she shrieks and shrieks and her facial expression becomes unavoidably punchable.

One of the delights of this Ashes series has been watching Ricky spitting out his dummy about once every five minutes. Sometimes it’s justified, like when England’s twelfth man and physio came out to waste time at the end of the first Test. Sometimes it’s unjustified, like when he questions the umpires for about an hour after every single decision against his team. Whichever it is, it’s always an absolute joy to see his little munchkin face crease up as he tries to fight back the tears.

If someone brings out a DVD of Ponting’s finest bottom lip wobbling moments, we’ll get a stack of chicken wings, a raft of biltong and a barrel of beer in and you can all come round to experience celestial perfection.

The big news about Andrew Symonds being sent home from the Australia squad

The big news is that during the press conference, Ricky Ponting went a little bit boss-eyed.

Look:

Ricky Ponting’s match-fixing shame

“So one thing I always do is I gotta run myself out early on – it’s much more fun being an Andrew Symonds or someone.”

Don’t fear, people. Ponting is talking about playing Ricky Ponting Pressure Play on the PSP, which is known as Brian Lara Pressure Play in the civilised world.

He also says: “The likenesses are quite remarkable.”

We can only presume he’s not talking about the PSP version.

Ricky Ponting – an admirable batsman

Ricky Ponting, eh? He’s not likeable, because of the face, the face and also the face. However, he is admirable as a batsman.

Look Ponting in the face and it’s tricky to know whether to sigh and hope he goes away or to start with the punching. Watch him bat and it’s all simpler. You just think to yourself: “Man, this guy can bat. Wish I could punch him in the face.”

While we’ve written before about how we think that several Australian batting averages have been inflated by the match situations that were created by their exceptional bowlers, we wouldn’t want to knock Ponting’s status as a batsman down more than a single rung. He’s extraordinarily good and it’s inappropriate that he’s often mentioned in the same breath as that gobshite, Hayden.

Ricky Ponting’s scored a hundred in India this year, when everyone thought that he suffered subcontinental spazzeritis. In this match, he helped pick Australia up after a dispiriting first Test loss by scoring 101. That should have been a vital innings.

His captaincy’s famously feeble and the more Australia slide, the more he’s under pressure. They’ve been making a bit of a bollocks of this match and as his batsmen struggled in the second innings, you could have forgiven Ponting for folding under the weight of it all.

But he didn’t. He top scored with 99, while the rest of the batsmen failed to get out of the twenties (runs that is – they weren’t smearing their hair into side partings and doing the Charleston).

Ricky Ponting isn’t a different batsman when he’s in India

The thing people often fail to understand about batting averages is that they only describe what’s already happened. Ricky Ponting’s average in India was famously bad, but yet he hit a hundred. That’s the thing about historical precedents – they only tell you about the past.

The Australians came up with some innovative tactics to help address Ponting’s record. He’s previously been vulnerable to Harbhajan’s spin early in his innings, so the Aussies hit upon the idea of having Matthew Hayden get himself out to the third ball of the day. Ponting was thus ensured a few overs of pace bowling and could therefore play himself in. It worked a treat.

Rumours that coach, Tim Nielsen, has given Ponting a voucher allowing the latter an hour’s one-on-one time with Pat Farhart as a reward for hitting a hundred are currently unsubstantiated.

Ricky Ponting has the runs

He has 10,000 of them in Tests. That’s the way you phrase it, isn’t it? You ‘have’ runs.

We’ve already written one update about Ricky Ponting where we referred to ‘rather spectacular motions‘. That was a rather feeble ‘rushed toilet visit’ joke too.

If you’re worried that the site’s becoming increasingly low-brow, don’t worry – we’re fairly sure we’re not going to falsely insinuate that Ricky Ponting’s got diarrhoea again. We’re going to wait until it’s true.

Remember when Andrew Flintoff had the wild shits?

Ringing endorsement of Ricky Ponting’s form from Australia’s coach

Tim Nielsen had the following to say about Ricky Ponting’s four matches for Kolkata Knight Riders, during which he scored 20, 19 and two golden ducks:

“I am sure the opportunities to bat outside against net bowlers over there in India will hold him in good stead.”

Ricky Ponting with a bat in his mouth

Pictures like this DESERVE captions:

This is what we’ve come up with:

(1) Ricky Ponting with a bat in his mouth.

(2) Ricky Ponting eats a cricket bat.

(3) Ricky Ponting and a cricket bat and the bat’s sort of in his mouth so it sort of looks like he might be eating it or something, but he’s not. He’s not eating it at all because it’s a cricket bat and people don’t eat cricket bats. It just kind of looks like he is. He’s just sort of leaning on it being pensive or something.

Ricky Ponting uses a Kookaburra Big Kahuna.