Shane Watson

Shane Watson is a batsman

If you want to be taken seriously as a batsman, one of the worst things you can do is bowl. Every team is desperate for all-rounders, but the label gets misapplied so much it tars those who actually warrant it.

Shane Watson probably just about qualifies as an all-rounder – maybe not in Tests where you wouldn’t really want him as a key part of your bowling attack, but certainly in one-day cricket.

However, calling him an all-rounder partially masks the fact that he’s got a strong case to be regarded as Australia’s best batsman at the moment. Being Australia’s best batsman in 2011 is a bit like being the world’s most attractive deep sea fish, but it’s still an achievement of sorts.

Even if no-one cares about a Bangladesh v Australia one-day series that’s come hot on the heels of the World Cup, Watson’s 185 off 96 balls was some innings.

185 off 96 balls against a bowling machine set to ‘friendly’ and without any stumps to defend would actually be pretty decent, so don’t everybody start belittling Watson’s performance simply because he’s a titanic knobhead.

Shane Watson v England

Australia might have had a better chance in the first Twenty20 international if 10 of them hadn’t been shit.

The 11th player, Shane Watson, has suddenly found a world where hitting fifties and bowling straight medium-pace is quite handy. If he’d have found a competent team mate, Australia would have won.

They might also have won if they’d bothered catching anything in the first couple of overs of England’s innings. Our mate says they’ve been spending too much time with their hands in the boxes of chicken provided by Australian cricket’s official ‘restaurant’, KFC.

Anyway, England win again. It was exciting, but five minutes later we’re more interested in how our own chicken’s getting on in the crock pot. Only six hours to go…

Why does Shane Watson always get out in the 90s?

Why DOESN’T Shane Watson always get out in the 90s?

Would it be unfair to suggest that for some players personal milestones bring more pressure because the player in question is – how shall we put this – massively self-involved with an overinflated sense of their own importance?

It is funny that Watson always gets out in the 90s, but this one wasn’t anywhere near as funny as the run-out against Pakistan last year.

Shane Watson, Andrew Symonds and the scented candle – an abbreviated anecdote

Watson thought the changing room stank and lit a scented candle. Andrew Symonds gave him shit for it.

Andrew Symonds comes out of this well; Shane Watson less so.

This tale comes from Matthew Hayden’s autobiography.

We hope we get a review copy. Buying Matthew Hayden’s autobiography would effectively mean giving him money and that would amount to tacit approval of the man.

Is it funny that Shane Watson keeps getting out in the nineties?

Of course it is. Just take a look at his teary-eyed, albino automaton face when he’s been dismissed.

Shane Watson’s 120 not out (dropped on 99) really ballses up a cracking record that’s seen him hit 96, 89, 93 and 97 in his last eight innings.

Even if he doesn’t get nervous in the nineties, he soon will do with double-digit-tastic performances like this.

Shane Watson and Ian Bell and what they have in common

We wrote about Shane Watson and Ian Bell over at The Wisden Cricketer. We said that they weren’t hugely popular in their respective countries, perhaps because they were overly serious. We also said that Shane Watson couldn’t bowl.

Shortly after the post went up, both Bell and Watson scored hundreds and the commenters have laid into us, saying that these hundreds prove our article wrong somehow. You’ll love it. We get called an idiot, childish and are advised to stop working.

Also, if you want to see a spectacularly clunking repetition of the phrase ‘all manner of’ in an article about people taking guard in ludicrous and implausible ways, take a look at our latest piece for Cricinfo.

Shane Watson run out against Pakistan

Opening batsmen always talk about developing ‘an understanding’ with their opening partner.

Shane Watson and Simon Katich should try and understand that batsmen should end up at opposite ends when running between the wickets.

We hope Australia never drop Shane Watson. He blends haplessness, incompetence, misfortune and childish petulance. It’s a heady cocktail.

Last Test he jumped up and down like a five-year-old when he dismissed Chris Gayle and everyone had to look away because it was so embarrassing. This Test, he’s contrived to run himself out for 93 to follow the 96 and the 89 that he made in the previous two Tests.

To Shane Watson [raises glass].

How soft is Shane Watson?

We’ve always said that Shane Watson always looks on the verge of tears. Chris Gayle agrees.

Gayle says that Watson’s easy to wind up. “He only looks big and strong but he’s soft.”

But how soft? We already know that Watson’s so soft he has to sleep in Brett Lee’s room when he thinks he’s in a haunted castle, but surely he’s even softer than that.

We’d say that Shane Watson is so soft that if he were wearing one of those children’s coats which features a pair of mittens on a string, he’d cry if one of the mittens got lost up a sleeve.

Anyone want to raise us on that?

Wanting Shane Watson to reach his hundred

How can we possibly have found ourself wanting Shane Watson to get a hundred. He was on 92 and Australia needed eight to win the Champions’ Trophy. Why on earth did we want him to reach three figures?

Seriously, why? This isn’t rhetoric. We actually want an explanation. He’s ridiculously gym-bodied, blonde and always looks like he’s about to cry. We’re not massively keen on any of those qualities. Put them on an Australian cricketer (normal Australians are quite likeable) and that should be a Michelin-starred recipe for loathing a man.

Shane Watson throws England’s bowlers

You’ve got to feel for England’s bowlers. How were they supposed to react to Shane Watson?

They prepare themselves for bowling at stubbly-faced munchkin, Phil Hughes, but against all expectation are suddenly confronted with a creepy-looking, gym-bodied albino instead.

It must be like bowling at a fearful ghost. Not the kind that uses its telekinesis to wreak havoc, but one who instead tidies up and puts you on edge by making you wonder what the hell it’s got to look frightened about.