Rob Key

Rob Key fined for throwing bat in Twenty20 final

We thought it was a hissy fit of poise and dignity.

If anything, it’s the ECB who should be fined – fined for crimes against perfection. Whatever that might mean.

Luckily Rob mastered alchemy years ago and makes his own gold.

Rob Key hits 182 against Lancashire

Rob’s now hit 1130 first-class runs this season at an average of 59.47.

After last season’s aberration (he was recovering from shoulder surgery) Rob’s back on track. Now seems a good time to fill you in on The Origin Of Rob Key.

Just over a score and eight years ago, southern England was buffetted by minor geological disturbance. It barely registered as a blip on most seismometers, but this minor tremor in 1979 would eventually rock the entire world.

One of the side-effects of this tectonic fidgetting was that a very, very small volcano erupted in East Dulwich. This was a special volcano. Instead of producing lava, it spewed only the purest unobtainium.

The unobtainium became instantly solid on contact with the earth’s atmosphere. Over the coming days, the elements would ravage it into an unexpected form – the form of a man. On the seventh day it was struck by lightning, giving it life. Lo, Robert William Trevor Key (favourite band, The Fratellis; favourite food, Chinese; favourite TV show; The Office) was born.

Rob Key hits 125 against Worcestershire

After one-day hundreds versus Surrey and Derbyshire and County Championship hundreds against Durham, Hampshire and Warwickshire, you’d think we’d be running out of things to say about how great Rob Key is.

Good job we hit upon that idea of asking prominent experts for their opinions after each of his innings, eh?

“This young chap ought to be handed the keys to the throne of Englandshire, he batted with such assured forthrightnessdom.

“At one stage, I felt a splash on my shoe and noticed that my ice-cream had melted in my hand. I’d been so absorbed by this rappscallion’s ornate stroke-making I’d completely forgotten to lick it.

“If there’s a man alive who could resist the beautifical charmingism of his back foot play, I’d like to punch them square on the nose. For they are a luddite of the highest order and ought to be shot for their disappreciationalism.

“Any form of disappreciationalism makes me sick with rage.”

He’s a very old prominent expert. And a mental one.

Rob Key inaugurates new site with a fine, fine hundred

Well that didn’t take long. What is it, our third proper update?

Underrated, big-boned, monopoliser of our waking thoughts, Rob Key, hit 153 against Warwickshire today. One prominent expert was moved to comment:

“Give him a bat and pelt balls at him from 22 yards away and he’ll binge on runs like Don Bradman after a rare dry spell.

“Quite simply, I have never seen batting of such exemplary and sustained brilliance in all my days. It was brilliance of such extraordinary magnitude that many of us witnessing it remarked on the extraordinary magnitude of its brilliance.

“I asked one of the stewards: ‘Have you ever seen batting brilliance of such an extraordinary magnitude?’

“He replied: ‘No. The brilliance of his batting truly is of an extraordinary magnitude’.”

The last few Rob Key updates on the old site