Tim Bresnan

Does the England cricket team need a cartoon baker?

You need opening batsmen, you need a wicketkeeper, you need a spinner. You don’t always need a guy who looks like a cartoon baker.

That’s not to say that such a person isn’t of value though. Sometimes the captain will look round the field and think to himself: ‘Oh for a chubby, friendly face topped with curly hair that makes me feel like I’m about to be offered some fresh oven bottom muffins’.

If that happens, does Stuart Broad fit the bill? Most certainly not. If you want a vertically stretched version of the stroppy blonde boy from a 1950s novel, he’s your man. But if you want a jovial, red-faced, perspiring chap who looks like he’s keen that you try his new farmhouse loaf, you want Tim Bresnan.

Which is our way of saying that we have no opinion as to whether Stuart Broad or Tim Bresnan plays in the first Test against India.

England World Cup heroes update

We named our England heroes for the World Cup before it had started. We remember now that cricketing heroism is more about what you do on the pitch than the shape of your head.

That said, the man named on the basis of head shape, Tim Bresnan, has been something of a success. He’s taken wickets and often looked England’s best bowler, particularly against India. Maybe phrenology is the way forward.

Mike Yardy is the other hero who’s actually played. While he could maybe have bolstered his figures had he played against the Netherlands, it now seems like his one-day career may have run its course. There always seemed to be an England policy of playing Yardy as a bowler for as long as they could get away with it, in which case, shame on them for overplaying him before the tournament. He could have been their secret tool.

Luke Wright’s not been seen. The High-Visibility Tabard of England Squad Membership must be so firmly affixed to his torso that he cannot be picked lest he be mistaken for a steward while fielding on the boundary.

As for James Tredwell, in naming these England heroes, we wrote:

“Yes, he is in the squad. You’d probably forgotten.”

We stand by that.

England heroes for the 2011 Cricket World Cup

If you’re English, your heroes shouldn’t be talented or eye-catching. Being English is about celebrating the people who really don’t seem like they should be doing something, but are doing it anyway and are doing it well.

Here are the official King Cricket heroes for the 2011 World Cup. These are the guys we’ll be rooting for.

Tim Bresnan

Bit trendy after doing a hell of a lot to help England win the Ashes, but only trendy in the way that the theme tune to the Bill was trendy after they jazzed it up a bit.

Tim Bresnan is from Yorkshire and he has quite a round head. Those are qualities we can all appreciate.

James Tredwell

Yes, he is in the squad. You’d probably forgotten. You know of James Tredwell, but you don’t really know much about him.

James Tredwell looks older than he is and bats ‘a bit’. His spin bowling is not in any way eye-catching and he is so low profile that we have just had to create a category for him having never properly written about him before. An ideal World Cup hero.

Luke Wright

As we’ve said before, we don’t actually know whether Luke Wright is a batsman, a bowler or simply a blank canvas who doesn’t get injured. When he does play, he tries very, very hard.

Mike Yardy

Quite possibly the best of the bunch. As a batsman, he will never be a joy to watch. As for bowling, he has an approach that betrays a deep-seated loathing of any form of entertainment.

Mike Yardy is basically there to ruin cricket matches. If England win the final because he’s bowled 60 deliveries straight into the batsman’s legs without really spinning it at all, he will be the English hero to end all English heroes.

Tim Bresnan is two players in one

More specifically, Tim Bresnan, England’s fifth-choice seamer, is Ben Hilfenhaus and Peter Siddle rolled into one.

Bresnan has the fitness, pace and accuracy of Siddle. He also bowls away swing with the new ball and reverse swing later on like Ben Hilfenhaus. Oh, and he can bat.

Bresnan’s reputation as a fatty is almost entirely down to his abnormally round head. His big tree trunk arms probably add to the impression as well, but he’s basically fat-free. Imagine a burly puma. He’s all muscle.

Should Tim Bresnan be in England’s Test team?

As a bowler, it’s hard to see what Tim Bresnan offers that no-one else can. He’s a bit of a poor man’s Jimmy Anderson: a fractionally slower, slightly less sophisticated swing bowler who’s not quite as fit as the Burnley Express. Set against that, he was England’s best bowler in trying conditions in Bangladesh. How quickly people forget.

Oscillate wildly

We’ve also sympathy with many people’s view that he’s not quite rid himself of the Twenty20 bowling approach yet. What were bad balls are now good balls and vice versa. It can’t be easy to flick the ‘Test bowling’ switch. More generally, with England oscillating between formats all summer long, it does beg the question as to whether we’re seeing the best cricketers playing at their best.

But even if we make allowances for that, what makes Tim Bresnan the Test bowler stand out? He doesn’t bowl swing as well as Jimmy. He’s not as quick as Stuart Broad. He’s not as tall as Steve Finn. He doesn’t bowl every ball at the stumps like Graham Onions. He does look like a cartoon baker in a children’s TV programme, but that’s not really a strong selling point when it comes to Test selection.

Letting the other bowlers bowl at their best

We can’t see Tim Bresnan as one quarter of a Test bowling attack, but we can see him as a fifth of one. With five bowlers, you can afford to have a defensive bowler who can switch to attack when conditions favour them. Ashley Giles used to do this job, but in Graeme Swann, England have an attacking spin bowler, so the defensive role can be filled by one of the pacemen instead.

This could be Tim Bresnan. He can attack when the ball swings and do a job the rest of the time. He’s also been hitting a few hundred runs at an average of 30-odd for each of the last few seasons in county cricket and is probably good enough to be one of three number eights occupying slots seven, eight and nine in the batting order, along with Stuart Broad and Graeme Swann.

Fit for the workload

England have been favouring four bowlers recently, but Stuart Broad loses 10mph over the course of a day and Steve Finn can’t have too much of a workload if he’s picked. Five bowlers might make more sense.

Bresnan could be the new Ashley Giles. Bet he’s delighted with that verdict.

Tim Bresnan could be the yeoman

England haven’t had a bowler who commentators can patronisingly refer to as a ‘yeoman’ since Matthew Hoggard got the boot. Tim Bresnan’s from Yorkshire and bowls a bit of swing. Maybe he can step in and be a doughty northern caricature so that the English cricket establishment can reinforce their perceived superiority through the use of hackneyed unflattering nouns.

Tim Bresnan is a quietly productive cricketer. He’s the bowler casual England fans are quick to identify as being representative of English cricketing mediocrity. He’s not really our sort of bowler, but that’s harsh.

We made Tim Bresnan one to watch in both 2008 and 2009 for the fairly straightforward reason that he always takes wickets and he always scores runs. He did a little of both for England today. He took 1-20 – which is a pretty damn fine return off four overs in Twenty20 – then he larrupped 23 not out off 11 balls. England won and Tim Bresnan did as much as anyone to ensure that.

England’s one-day all-rounders

Are they going to win a game with the bat? Are they going to win a game with the ball?

• Luke Wright
• Dimitri Mascarenhas
• Tim Bresnan
• Adil Rashid

There’s room for players who chip in, rather than deciding matches on their own, but there seem to be altogether too many of them in England’s side. Dimitri Mascarenhas, for example, is a great batsman when you’ve got five overs to go, but he’s unlikely to pass 50 too often and he’s not going to run through a side with his bowling.

The other three are slightly different, in that they’re younger and are investments for the future to some degree. But there’s only so much international experience to invest. You can’t field all three of them, because none seem likely to win you a game.

At the minute, they’re 32 runs and 1-52 players.

Cricket headline of the week

From the BBC website: “Bresnan ready for Flintoff battle”

Tim Bresnan must be getting feisty. Wonder what he’s said about Flintoff.

“He’s well within his rights to walk straight back into the team on his past performances and what he has done.”

Yep. Timmy Bresnan’s ready for battle all right. He’s got his armour on, sharpened his sword and asked Flintoff if he could possibly take his coat and would he maybe like a sherry and no it wouldn’t be too much trouble, not at all Mr Flintoff, sir.

Bresnan adds:

“I will be working hard to retain my place.”

Hold on to your hats people. This is personal.

Tim Bresnan being in the England squad

Rumours that we kidnapped Geoff Miller’s family and told him we were going to force them to watch Eastenders constantly until he picked Tim Bresnan for England are well wide of the mark. Clearly we told him to pick Rob Key and clearly he ignored us.

We released the Miller family after ice cream and a couple of games of Frustration, because we’re not really evil.

Tim Bresnan might have been picked for England on the basis that he was the only up and coming bowler who was more familiar with a cricket bat than a pipistrelle, but still it’s a good indication that he’s there or thereabouts.

Tim Bresnan has justified being one to watch.

Tim Bresnan, Yorkshire – one to watch in 2009

Tim Bresnan’s 2007 season saw 34 wickets at an average of 32, accompanied by two hundreds and a batting average of 39. His understated 2008 season saw 45 wickets at 28 and 506 runs at 33.

It’s solid stuff. He’s an asset to Yorkshire, but he’s not at the stage where you can just say his surname when he’s about to bat or bowl and convey a whole range of hopes and expectation through doing so.

If you said ‘Bresnan’ to someone, what would they think? Would they rush to the nearest TV in expectation of cricketing fireworks, or would they look at you quizzically anticipating elaboration. Maybe if you happen to have addressed someone whose surname is Bresnan, they’ll say ‘yes?’, but more likely you’ll need to add a few words.

In the unlikely event that you do know a Bresnan and felt moved to address them regarding Tim Bresnan and what he might imminently achieve on a cricket field, you’d probably anticipate this confusion and allow for it, so again you’d need additional words.

If you were discussing the merits of Yorkshire cricketers, you could easily find yourself in a situation where you could respond to a question using the single word ‘Bresnan’ and it would be understood, but the context’s already been created there, so that doesn’t count.

Tim Bresnan should aim to make the use of the word ‘Bresnan’ create context and meaning on its own, possibly when allied to an urgent looking facial expression. If we walk into the bar at a county ground during a match and say ‘Bresnan’ to everyone in there, we’d like to see everyone clear out to go and see what’s going on.

Review of today’s update: Rambling and largely pointless. 2/10.