Mahendra Dhoni

That’s Dr Dhoni to you

Just like Ian Botham, MS Dhoni is now a doctor of letters. De Montford University gave him the honour, which led to this quite marvellous photograph:

You didn’t have a suit, MS? No? Nothing? No smart trousers or anything? Okay, no, it’s fine. No problem at all. It’s just, you know, most people dress up a bit, but it’s fine, it’s fine. Really, we’re not bothered.

Dr Dhoni isn’t our favourite Indian doctor. He’ll have had a very good career indeed if he brings us even half the joy we felt when we saw the sign for ‘Dr Dikshit’.

What does Dhoni’s incorrect dismissal tell us?

Dhoni was caught off Fidel Edwards, but umpire Iain Gould thought it was a no-ball and asked the third umpire for confirmation. It was a no-ball, but the broadcaster showed the third umpire the wrong footage and Dhoni was wrongly given out.

What does this tell us?

It tells us that you shouldn’t chip the ball to mid-off.

MS Dhoni is a big match player

Gautham Gambhir played very well, but MS Dhoni is unique. He wasn’t Lord Megachief of Gold for no reason.

People talk about big match players all the time, but they often mislabel matches as being big when they’re no such thing. Genuine big matches are rare and genuine big match players are even harder to find.

The World Cup final is a big match. MS Dhoni is a big match player.

Big match players perform better when more people are watching and being as most players’ performances deteriorate, they actually stand out even more as a consequence.

A World Cup final in India, featuring India, provides a ten billion megawatt spotlight and that is then focused through a giant lens on the Indian captain.

No-one has ever been in Dhoni’s position. Surviving that incinerating beam is a miracle. Thriving in it is what makes Dhoni unique.

Is this pitch spongy, Dhoni?

MS Dhoni said that New Zealand beat India by 200 runs in a one-day game because the pitch was a bit spongy. We presume he meant it was like the sponge above, rather than being like those jelly creatures that race along the sea floor at speeds of up to 4mm per day.

Sri Lanka are playing New Zealand on the same pitch today. Let’s see how they fare. A spongy pitch isn’t so bad.

MS Dhoni: Lord Megachief of Gold 2009

You may not realise this, but the title of Lord Megachief of Gold is only granted for a one-year term. Shivnarine Chanderpaul, Lord Megachief of Gold 2007 and Grand Lord Megachief of Gold 2008, stands down. MS Dhoni steps up.

Why MS Dhoni?

Cricket is about winning. It’s not about hitting the fastest hundred or the most runs. Those are achievements in as much as they help you win games. Winning is the ultimate aim. MS Dhoni knows this.

Dhoni might not have scored as many runs as some, but he’s hit more meaningful runs than anybody and he doesn’t care how he’s done it. The man who can hit the ball further than anyone has been the ultimate second fiddle in a number of partnerships.

Dhoni in Tests

He only had six innings, but he averaged 92.25. In the Wellington Test against New Zealand, he arrived at the crease with India 182-5 in their first innings. Shortly after, they were 204-6, but Dhoni spurred the lower order resistance with his 52 before taking six catches as New Zealand were bowled out for 197.

In the first Test against Sri Lanka at Ahmedabad, India were 157-5. Dhoni hit 110 and India made 426 although the match then degenerated into a ludicrously high-scoring draw.

Fittingly, the year ended with him scoring 100 not out in the match that India won to become the number one side in Test cricket.

Dhoni in one-day internationals

There’s no shortage of innings here. Most people have Tillakaratne Dilshan as their one-day player of the year, but Dhoni’s scored more runs at a better average. Dilshan’s scored them quicker, but as an opener, he basically faces the same situation every time and really just has to score as fast as he can.

Dhoni has played all sorts of innings, but what’s most remarkable is how often he’s helped his side to a win. You don’t need to score at a run a ball if you get your side home.

Here are some of his best one-day innings from this year:

• 94 off 96 v Sri Lanka – India won
• 84 not out v New Zealand – India won
• 95 out of 188 v New Zealand – India lost (although that was hardly his fault)
• 124 off 107 v Australia – India won
• 71 not out v Australia – India won
• 72 off 53 v Sri Lanka – India won
• 107 v Sri Lanka – India lost (Dilshan)

Lord Megachief of Gold 2009

We identified him as one of the five best all-rounders over the next five years and even said that his haircut was as thorough and well-organised as dad when he makes a bookcase (compliments don’t come much higher than that).

Congratulations, MS Dhoni, you are 2009’s Lord Megachief of Gold.

Do you like Mahendra Singh Dhoni?

At first he was all sixes and flowing locks. Now he’s all nudged singles and hair that should be in charge of train timetables; hair you’d happily lend £20 to, safe in the knowledge that it would be returned promptly and possibly even with interest because it had been invested with such wisdom.

The more sensible he becomes, the more we like him. To wilfully court accusations of being boring when you can hit the ball into next week while you yourself are airborne says that this is someone who really, really cares about winning above all else. You want players like that in your side.

Three ways in which we’ve been right in the last 24 hours

This is quite unusual. We’re not usually right about stuff. Normally, you can ask us questions about things that have happened to us and we’ll get the answers wrong.

“Did Dan tell you he was moving to Australia?”

“No!” [Long pause] “Don’t think so.” [Another long pause] “Well, maybe…”

1. Dwayne Bravo – 104 v Australia
2. Mohammad Asif – 4-40 v New Zealand
3. Mahendra Dhoni – 100 not out v Sri Lanka

Maybe we’re only wrong when being right relies on the retention of information.

Mahendra Dhoni is really very cool

Mahendra Dhoni, flustered?

India are three wickets down in no time on a pitch that’s nastier than Satan when his haemorrhoids are playing up.
Dhoni: “Yeaaaaah. I’ll probably just stick around for 30 overs or so before basically just mincing the ball wherever I please when we get within touching distance of our target.”

Mahendra Dhoni is set upon by two thugs wielding knives.
Dhoni: “Yeaaaaah. I’m just going to take these knives off you, if that’s okay. Now off you go. Bye.”

Mahendra Dhoni’s trousers are aflame.
Dhoni: “Yeaaaaah. I’m probably just going to put these out now.”

This is what you can achieve when you’ve harnessed the power of the mind.

Mahendra Dhoni strolls back into town

Just the other day we were wondering whether any of Mahendra Dhoni’s millions of fans had actually noticed that he doesn’t really obliterate the bowling any more.

Despite the fact that he scores far more runs now, we wondered whether he was largely buoyed by residual love from when he batted with blisteringly effective bat-spinning might.

Yesterday, Dhoni set off in nurdle mode before eventually engaging the long handle. The result was 124 off 107 balls and two textbook one-day innings in one.

It must be a constant battle for Dhoni to subdue his inner beast. Our inner beast sleeps a lot because it’s basically given up on life.

Mahendra Dhoni harnesses the power of the mind

Do you control the mind, or does the mind control you? Who’s in charge?

Mahendra Dhoni was asked about the fact that India had turned up in Napier just 18 hours before the second Test. Here’s what he said:

“Mentally we are right there. When it comes to the mind, it depends on what you’re feeding into the mind. The mind doesn’t know if it’s Napier or what you’re feeding. You come and say ‘this is Napier’, and it believes it’s Napier.”

How can we know it wasn’t Dhoni’s mind persuading him to say that because it had wanted to stay in Auckland a bit longer?

Whenever we try and trick our mind to gain some sort of advantage, it’s never even paying attention. It’s usually just humming moronically.