Matthew Hayden

Matthew Hayden finally talks about himself in the third person

You can tell he’s the kind of person that does that just by looking at his face.

It’s okay, we’ve looked at his face to bring you that information, so you don’t need to subject yourself to the same torment.

He was saying something about Harbhajan Singh at the time. It’s not entirely clear what.

“In a lot of ways, to me off-field, if that’s affecting him that’s a good thing for Hayden because I don’t feel like I’m harbouring any massive resentment.”

He doesn’t feel like he’s harbouring any massive resentment. If he’s not totally certain, we can let him know about some of the symptoms of harbouring a massive resentment.

One of the main symptoms is that you devote entire pages on your website to things that you never bothered writing about when a former England captain did them, because you thought it was boring when he did it, yet you find yourself BURNING UP WITH THE HATRED when this other person does the exact same thing.

Self-effacing Hayden looks forward to India tour

Matthew Hayden is the kind of man who looks in the mirror and smiles at what he sees.

“Having played over there and played well over there, I think I’m going to be the obvious target.”

Really he should look in the mirror and immediately burst into tears before punching his own reflection, shattering the glass and gouging his hand – like the rest of us do.

He then goes on to say:

“I think this series is tailor-made for guys like me.”

If this series doesn’t entail cricketers standing on a podium, motionless, while a crowd of people point and laugh uproariously, then this series isn’t tailor-made for Hayden.

Somebody likes Matthew Hayden

As you probably know, that person is Usain Bolt, a Jamaican giant who can run quickly. Matthew Hayden has responded, which rather pleasingly means he’s had another go at ‘talking’.

First of all, we’ll remind you why it is FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG to like Matthew Hayden. The first thing he said was:

“It’s pretty humbling isn’t it for an old fisherman and surfer in Queensland who now and then plays a bit of cricket.”

Then Matthew tells us how his being in one place liking sprinting, while Usain Bolt’s in a second place liking cricket is somehow ‘healthy’.

“He obviously loves cricket and it’s so healthy to know I can be here and he can be there and we can mutually enjoy each others sports.”

Then he makes a statement without any context and it’s a bit hard to know what he means.

“It’s just the pure adrenalin seeking mission of being the fastest man on earth and it’s a phenomenal achievement and we’re all very proud of him as well.”

Who’s this ‘we’? Jamaicans? Cricketers? Just what are you blathering on about?

At least when he’s making no sense he’s not making you cringe with his pathetic attempts at modesty. Small mercies.

Thanks to Miriam for pointing out that Usain Bolt has lamentable taste in cricketers.

Matthew Hayden has another go at talking

It never goes well. Matthew Hayden is very poor at executing his talking skills. Thanks to RC for pointing us towards Hayden’s latest attempt in an interview with Cricinfo.

Here are some highlights:

“I go to the middle, I mark the crease and I squat on the wicket. I feel grounded when I do that.” – a lesson for all young batsmen who accidentally launch skywards and orbit the earth when they’re supposed to be going out to bat.

“The zone to me is pretty much every time I go out to bat.” – Matthew Hayden will tell you that he’s the absolute best at modesty as well. ‘I am shit-hot at modesty’ he will say.

“As fine a cricketer as I am right now, I don’t think as a young player I had it right.” – See! Shit-hot at the modesty.

He also says that an opening partnership is like being in a couple. But we already know about Hayden and Langer.

A Matthew Hayden quote shorn of context to make it sound weird

We’re not in the habit of being even-handed when it comes to Hayden. Why should we extend the courtesy of context to him when he never once apologises for being Matthew Hayden.

“At the end of the day, two alpha dogs are never going to sit in a cage and not look at each other. It is what it is. The way I see my cricket, if you’re the other alpha dog, you better not blink. I feel I’d be letting down my country if I was to blink.”

Bet you’ve blinked at some point, Matthew. You know what that makes you? It makes you a traitor.

Matthew Hayden: the gift that keeps on giving

Only the gift is a poo in a box and it keeps jumping up and punching you in the face, leaving you bruised and faecal.

Eventually the poo knocks you out, whereupon it steals all your money and forces you to dance naked in the car park at work in order to win back your clothes and cash – though not your dignity. You will never get that back. Never.

Matthew Hayden hit 103 on a pitch where tailenders are hitting fifties and India’s best bowler’s injured. You have to admire the way he takes advantage. No, not admire – respect. No, not respect – acknowledge. No, not acknowledge – resent.

Matthew Hayden back for Australia

This is good news, because when he’s not playing he can’t fail and humiliate himself. We don’t think it’s any coincidence that he skived the match where India’s bowlers remembered how to swing the ball.

Surprisingly, this is the first time our twin obsessions have appeared on the same day. Hopefully Rob will feature more prominently than Hayden in the coming months. We’ve been having a rough time with Hayden recently.

Last week we revealed that we’d had a dream about meeting Matthew Hayden and how we were all embarrassed and sheepish. Strangely, this isn’t even the first dream we’ve had like that.

Well this week matters are out of hand. We’re having versions of the Hayden dream just about every night. We’re always trying to be his mate and finding out lots of stuff about what it’s like being a professional cricketer. At the same time, we’re always aware that he knows what we say about him and feel guilty as a consequence.

Perhaps our subconscious is telling us to ease off. Well tough luck, subconscious. We’re not backing down, even if you start making it difficult for us to breathe in public places again. We’re going to counter this issue HEAD ON, even if it means a metaphorical train wreck in our mind.

Metaphors can’t hurt you. Nor can self-inflicted serious mental illness.

Matthew Hayden resorts to acupuncture

Hayden’s gone down the ‘being prodded’ route in trying to recover from his hamstring injury.

That’s what we’ll tell the police when they find us crouched in his garden, jabbing at a doll of his likeness with a needle: we’re aiding his recovery.

While we were on holiday, the only cricket dream we had was one where Matthew Hayden was really upset because we’d said that he personified all that was wrong with modern cricket.

We felt really bad about it and tried to weasel our way out of it by saying that it wasn’t him, it was merely that he highlighted others’ shortcomings very effectively.

It is him though.

A baffling Matthew Hayden quote

Okay, it’s not as good as the quote that could be construed as a bit gay if you tried really hard and it’s not as succinctly meaningless as this quote, but it’s still a load of nonsense from the mouth of Matthew Hayden and for that reason it gets its own post.

“I want to see Ricky Ponting going like that when he wins and plays for Australia. That’s the heat of the battle, that’s Test cricket, that’s the enormous passion and enthusiasm that gets played from all games of cricket, you see it even in backyard cricket.”

That quote’s taken verbatim from The Age, by the way. We haven’t doctored it.

Prior to that, Hayden had said:

“When I finish cricket I don’t want to have to be in a game where everything is robots and robotic.”

Don’t enter Robot Wars then, idiot. It’s entirely avoidable. Do something else with your retirement – like just going away, for example.

Matthew Hayden continues to personify all that’s wrong with modern cricket

Do we hate Matthew Hayden because he personifies all that’s wrong with modern cricket or do we just ascribe those traits to him because we hate him?

It doesn’t matter. The important part is that we hate him. The whys and wherefores all pale into insignificance next to the sheer bowel-shuddering horror we feel when we see a three digit number to the right of his stupid name.

Matthew Hayden braved some torrid fast bowling on a devilish pitch to earn his 123. India fielded two – count ‘em – TWO fast-medium bowlers. A 22-year-old swing bowler, playing in his ninth Test and a 19-year-old playing in his 18th first-class match – the latter only sent down eight overs out of the 83 that were bowled.

Okay, so Hayden played Anil Kumble and Harbhajan Singh really well, but that’s partly our point. An opening batsman should be tested by fast bowlers, not spinners. If he gets a hundred, he should have about 30 bruises to show for it. If he bats out of his crease, the frothy-mouthed sociopath opening the bowling should split his bloody head in two the very next ball.

You could say that this isn’t Matthew Hayden’s fault; that he’s only responding to what’s put in front of him. Another way of saying it would be to say that actually it is his fault. Why not? There’s plenty of things wrong with the world and we’re quite content to blame Matthew Hayden for all of them.

Oh and the lazy bastard had a runner for most of his innings because his stupid silverback torso’s too gargantuan for his unused, atrophied legs.