Matthew Hayden
Matthew Hayden attaches a mirror to the back of his bat
It’s to more closely monitor the ageing process.
‘Still a few wisps of hair at the front there. Not time to retire yet’.
11 AppealsMatthew Hayden leads the way – in the wrong direction
Groups for whom Matthew Hayden is a standard-bearer: Modern opening batsmen who don’t have to face proper bowling Bears who eat faces Pious turds
Hayden’s one-day record since he returned to the side in September 2006 is infuriatingly astonishing. In 30 matches since then, he averages 62.65 and he’s scored five of his 10 one-day hundreds. As far as we’re concerned, this is as sure a sign as any that opening bowlers the world over are mere shadows of those of previous generations. Not even strong shadows. Evening time in the winter on an overcast day shadows.
It’s pretty much official now: In all forms of the game, opening batsmen are the aggressors, not opening bowlers. Time was you had to be hard as nails to be an opening batsman. You’d get pummelled, intimidated and outwitted. Now you just stand a yard out of your crease and nail cannon fodder medium-pacers to the boundary boards whenever you so please.
Matthew Hayden is emblematic of this cricketing malaise. We’re so infuriated we’ve gone so far as to bring back the blue box. THAT’S RIGHT. Only the blue box can save us now.
11 AppealsEngland v Australia
We heard that England were playing Australia yesterday, but we didn’t pay any attention.
We’re not going to bother checking, but it’s pretty safe to assume that England won handsomely. Comments to the contrary will be vigorously deleted.
Yes, you can delete something ‘vigorously’ – but only when that something is a gargantuan untruth.
To finish with here’s a photograph:
Again we’re not going to check, but we’re reasonably confident that this is Matthew Hayden driving his first ball straight into the hands of the cover fielder to register his second golden duck of the tournament.
Matthew Hayden updates from our old site
2 Appeals
