One thing we don’t like about modern cricket is the long batting order. We want to see the best batsmen against the best bowlers and then we want the lower order to just fold so that we can get on to the next innings.

In truth, these long batting orders are no such thing. Test pitches are more forgiving these days, so mediocre batsmen can score well. Yesterday, Mitchell Johnson – a reasonable batsman with a Test hundred – was asked a couple of questions by the man who sounds like he should be a Nordic aviary, Danish Kaneria. Mitchell Johnson did not have the answers.

If it were a French test, Johnson would have said ‘boeuf?’ in the vain hope that might have made sense. It didn’t.

A couple of wide deliveries were left alone. Johnson looked like he knew what he was doing, but they were wide enough he could leave them without needing to know which they were spinning.

A straighter ball then had to be played at because if it were a leg break, it would have hit the stumps. Was it a leg break? No, it was a googly. Johnson’s defensive push missed it by about a foot. “Boeuf?”

Next ball was fractionally wider and maybe a bit fuller. Is it the googly again, Mitchell? Kaneria’s leg break splattered the stumps.

Tags: Danish Kaneria, Mitchell Johnson by King Cricket
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From Fox Sports:

“Johnson had come to the bowling crease for the fifth over and was greeted with the ‘wanker’ chant.”

What’s the ‘wanker’ chant? Is there one particular ‘wanker’ chant that’s better known than all the others? We know a bunch of them.

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? You’re crouching down, trying to tie your shoelaces and a big group of lads just gathers round and chants ‘wanker’ at you for eight minutes straight, laughing as the tears roll down your face.

We’re not going to that conference again this year.

Tags: Mitchell Johnson by King Cricket
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Those writing about cricket bandy the word ‘experience’ around until it ceases to have any meaning, but it’s easy to overlook the significant role it plays in terms of how a player performs.

Experience isn’t just a statistic. It isn’t how many games someone’s played. It’s different conditions, different environments and different situations. Player A might average 50 in county cricket, but it’s not just as simple as bunging him in the national side.

If he’s 22 and hasn’t played a Test before, he’s likely to do worse than Player B who’s 34, has 70 caps, but only averages 40 in first-class cricket.

A Mitchell Johnson quote about the Ashes explains this pretty well.

“I didn’t take in the fact that their home crowd was right behind them all the way and I wasn’t used to that feeling and obviously taking on the role as leader of the attack all got to me a little bit. I’m glad I recovered from it. It has definitely helped and is something you need to go through. It was a learning experience for me.”

For a long time, Australia’s Test side had more Test experience than England’s. As talented as the Aussies were, there was also a greater likelihood that those players would perform at their best.

What conclusions can we draw?

International experience is a valuable commodity and is not to be frittered away on players you hope will come good. Selectors should identify the players they are most certain about and stand by them.

It would be a damn sight easier for them if English domestic cricket actually clarified such issues to some degree.

Tags: Australia cricket news | Tests, ODIs, T20s, Mitchell Johnson by King Cricket
9 Comments »

You couldn’t make it up. Mitchell Johnson LITERALLY doesn’t know what a straight delivery is.

James Anderson pointed one towards the stumps and Johnson, alarmed, thought: ‘What the hell is that?’ and padded up. The umpire’s finger rose.

Johnson is probably still pondering this exotic trickery now; planning how he’ll expose James Anderson as a warlock.

Tags: Ashes, Australia cricket news | Tests, ODIs, T20s, Mitchell Johnson by King Cricket
4 Comments »

Dear Australia,

Please retain your erratic kack-hander. His ingenious bowling tactic of surprising the batsman with a delivery that isn’t a full-pitched, legside wide really lends itself to our unsophisticated ‘repeat until funny’ approach to writing a website.

We have upwards of 200 “jokes” wherein Johnson grasps at the air three feet to the left of the item he was aiming for – be it a toothbrush, a door handle, a sandwich or whatever.

It would be a crime to waste these works as we fear we have not carried out sufficient repetition to cause mirth thus far.

Kind regards,
King Cricket

Tags: Ashes, Australia cricket news | Tests, ODIs, T20s, Mitchell Johnson by King Cricket
3 Comments »

Mitchell Johnson was allowed seven whole overs against Northamptonshire and didn’t bowl a single wide. Sure, he didn’t take any wickets, but when you’re up against batsmen like Alex Wakely and Riki Wessels, it’s bound to be tough for a bowler.

Johnson’s got a really good chance of hitting the sightscreen behind him if he bowls in the next Test. He should probably start bowling underarm quite soon.

Tags: Australia cricket news | Tests, ODIs, T20s, Mitchell Johnson by King Cricket
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Australia coach, Tim Nielsen, has some positive words to say about Mitchell Johnson, who’s currently trying to read this article on the bookcase four feet to the left of his monitor:

“It wasn’t like he’d lost confidence and all the things were falling apart and he was bowling 85mph and didn’t know where it was going.”

No, Tim, it was like he’d lost confidence and all the things were falling apart and he was bowling 90mph and didn’t know where it was going.

What’s your point, exactly? That each wide didn’t last as long?

Tags: Ashes, Australia cricket news | Tests, ODIs, T20s, Mitchell Johnson by King Cricket
6 Comments »

Largely because they’re a bit toss. 425 ain’t good enough and England haven’t knackered out Australia’s four bowlers as much as they should have done.

Mitchell Johnson

Mitchell Johnson or James Anderson? Easy.

Johnson has promised a lot, but unless you love non-bouncing wides, he hasn’t really delivered. We love non-bouncing wides from ‘once in a generation’ Australian opening bowlers, so we’re suddenly a massive Mitchell Johnson fan.

Ben Hilfenhaus

When the ball swings, Ben Hilfenhaus looks a handy bowler, otherwise he’s a bit innocuous. This makes him an Australian James Anderson, only without the inswinger or the reverse outswinger, or the reverse inswinger.

He’s basically a quarter as good as Jimmy.

Peter Siddle

Peter Siddle’s the opposite of Mitchell Johnson. Where Johnson seems to get wickets while bowling dross, Siddle bowls well and gets nowt for it. He generally acts like a dick, which is what you want from Australian cricketers, so paradoxically, we find ourself liking him.

Nathan Hauritz

When you’re describing an Australian spinner as ‘worthy’, you know you want pitches that offer a bit of turn.

We’ve gone easy on Mitchell Johnson in this post. We didn’t over at The Wisden Cricketer.

Tags: Ashes, Australia cricket news | Tests, ODIs, T20s, Ben Hilfenhaus, Mitchell Johnson, Nathan Hauritz, Peter Siddle by King Cricket
3 Comments »

And you HAVE to choose.

We’re going for James Anderson. He’s the better bowler when the ball swings and we love watching swing bowling. If the ball doesn’t swing, Mitchell Johnson’s got the better attributes, being quicker and kack-handed (as if THAT’S an attribute).

Also, you have to remember that Johnson’s Australian and will therefore be confused and frightened by many of the things he encounters in England.

Things like:

• Running water
• Beer that doesn’t need to be half frozen in order for you to choke it down
• Sleeves

Tags: Ashes, James Anderson, Mitchell Johnson by King Cricket
8 Comments »

England are generally impatient with promising young players. They bring them in, everyone who can voice an opinion takes it in turns to daub them in excrement and then it takes six years for the smell to wear off.

Let’s make a comparison. Sajid Mahmood and Mitchell Johnson were born within a couple of months of each other. Both were branded ‘once in a generation’ bowlers early in their career.

Sajid Mahmood was hastily picked for England, played a few matches and got his various slower balls carted to all parts. He played eight Tests, three on an Ashes tour and played his last Test in January 2007.

In contrast, Mitchell Johnson made his debut in November 2007 and has lasted the course.

Now we know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say that Mahmood’s whiff of excrement is from his bowling, while Mitchell Johnson is moulded out of solid magic by the hands of God.

That might be a little extreme and it might also have a little truth in it, but that’s not the point we’re making.

Our point is that Mahmood is currently among the most promising English fast bowlers around. He’s got all the attributes he always had (pace, bounce, swing, reverse swing) and might now have learnt when to use those skills – but he’s tainted. He’s tarnished by his previous, premature stab at international cricket.

The very name ‘Sajid Mahmood’ is a kind of cricketing shorthand meaning ‘the wheels have come off during a one-day international’. It’s unfair.

The same applies to Liam Plunkett, while Steven Davies is currently being given a chance to build a bad name for himself as an England wicketkeeper.

What would have happened to Mitchell Johnson had he been English? Australian readers might want to be particularly hilarious at this point.

Tags: England cricket news | Tests, ODIs, T20s, Mitchell Johnson, Sajid Mahmood by King Cricket
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