Ross Taylor

Kamran Akmal helps Ross Taylor to a hundred

Pakistan’s last five overs went for 100, largely thanks to Ross Taylor. Earlier in his innings, Taylor had been given a couple of lives by – who else – Kamran Akmal.

Kamran Akmal amazes us. We hope he never goes away. You’d think the ability to catch might be an entry requirement for wicketkeepers – particularly international ones – yet Akmal seems to have footballs made of ice instead of hands – slippery, round, smooth things wholly unsuited to capturing a lofted cricket ball.

Asking Kamran Akmal to keep wicket is like asking a clouded leopard to look after your chickens while you’re on holiday. Day one, he comes round and he scatters some grain for them. Day two, he comes round and he scatters some grain for them. Day three, he comes round and he scatters some grain for them. Then he stops.

‘Hang on,’ he asks himself. ‘Am I a clouded leopard?’ He takes a look down at himself and sees a distinctive cloud-like pattern. ‘That proves nothing,’ he thinks, eyeing the chickens. ‘Although then again, I do have powerful legs equipped with rotating rear ankles that allow me to safely climb downwards in a head-first posture, much like a common squirrel.’

‘Sod it,’ he says. ‘I am going to eat those chickens.’

You see, it’s not that Kamran Akmal isn’t trying. He’s just doing a job for which he is entirely unsuited.

Ross Taylor hits fastest Test hundred by a New Zealander

Are breathtaking innings all about how many sixes are hit and how few balls are faced?

Ross Taylor’s 81-ball hundred against Australia wouldn’t even be half as good as Yusuf Pathan’s 37-ball IPL hundred if that were the case. Clearly, it’s all about context.

A DLF Maximum is commonplace. In Twenty20, batsmen are obliged to score very quickly. In Test cricket, you have a choice – which makes innings like Taylor’s more audacious and more absorbing.

It’s been a low-scoring match and Taylor wasn’t short of time. He was also up against five international bowlers, rather than the one or two you get in the IPL. What does he do? He chances his arm. There’s such a broad scope as to what a player might do in a Test match – that’s the context.

The five best batsmen over the next five years

The big names are generally old bastards. Who’s next?

Ross Taylor, New Zealand, age 25

Ross Taylor tends to look like he’s the man who’s going to win the match for New Zealand shortly before doing something slightly spacky. Pretty soon those fifties will become hundreds and those hundreds will become double hundreds.

JP Duminy, South Africa, 25

Duminy has barely started in Test cricket, but has the reassuring habit of being exceptional whatever the format. Twenty20’s just for sloggers, is it? Then why is Duminy so effective. The best batsmen are generally the best batsmen in all forms of the game.

AB de Villiers, South Africa, 25

Yes, he is only 25. There are already bowlers in world cricket who’d sooner try and insert a bat handle into their urethra than bowl at vehement letter-C denier, AB de Villiers.

Michael Clarke, Australia, 28

Recently voted ‘most overrated player’ by readers of the Herald Sun, Michael Clarke must be rated really, really, phenomenally highly. Quite clearly following in the footsteps of Border, Waugh and Ponting as an Aussie captain who’s mint with the bat.

Gautam Gambhir, India, 28

Test average after 18 Tests: 36, with one hundred. Test average in the next nine Tests: 94, with seven hundreds. Gautam Gambhir is up and running.