Match report

Kent v Durham in the County Championship – the last three days IN FULL

Lemon Bella reports:

I went to watch the last three days of the Kent v Durham County Championship match. However, because Kent appeared to have somewhere more important to be, I only ended up seeing seven hours of play. I put my spare time to good use by purchasing a new throw for my sofa from a shop in Canterbury. It’s purple and blue; I may need to get some new cushions as the old ones don’t quite match.

I stayed in a B&B and the owner told me all about Graham Gooch over breakfast. I didn’t want to know anything about Graham Gooch, but he carried on telling me anyway.

For cricket-watching snacks, I tried the new oat and cranberry clusters you can get from M&S. They were very nice, much better than their flapjacks. However, I accidentally left the tub in the sun and they went a bit funny.

The coffee machine had broken down, and the coffee they offered at the bar was horrible. It was a terrible end to the season.

Kent v Yorkshire Pro40 match report

From what would appear to be our Kent Pro40 correspondent, Lemon Bella:

I forgot that this match started an hour earlier than usual, so I didn’t have time to get lunch ready. This meant I arrived at the ground armed only with some dried apricots and a bottle of water.

I sat in a different seat than usual. Generally I fear change, because it only ever ends badly, but this time it just ended with a squeaky chair and me looking at everything from a slightly different angle. I might attempt more change next season.

In the interval I ate my apricots and a Jaffa Cake my friend gave me. Ryan McLaren ate a piece of melon.

I didn’t have any coffee because I didn’t remember about it until I’d sat back in my seat. There was a cross-looking couple sitting on the end of the row and I was a bit scared to ask them to move again. They had coffee. It was in a flask and they’d brought their own special mugs.

Kent v Somerset Pro40 match report

A match report, again from Lemon Bella who’s swiftly earning the title of ‘roving reporter (who tends to rove to the same destination)’:

I was sat in front of two old ladies who couldn’t read the scoreboard or tell the players apart, so I had to help them fill in their scorecard. This meant I had to watch a distressing amount of the actual cricket.

At one point they told me they thought Marcus Trescothick was a ‘lovely looking young man’. Given that they couldn’t see, I’m not sure that’s the ringing endorsement Marcus would hope. However, I hope that when I’m 76 I can still go to cricket matches and pass comment on the attractiveness of opening batsmen.

A man in front of me ate two tiramisu. I didn’t have any tiramisu. This was very sad for me and I aim to remedy this at the next match.

I rescued a man at the coffee machine who had forgotten to put the cup under the spout. He tried to persuade me that he wasn’t as stupid as he looked. To be honest, I think he probably was. I then spilled coffee on my hat. It wasn’t on my head at the time, which was a blessing I suppose, but it probably means I shouldn’t judge other people’s stupidity.

Kent v Durham Pro40 match report

Lemon Bella’s sent in another match report:

The day started off badly after I had to scrabble around under the seat of my car to find enough change for the car park ticket machine. They’ve put the price up by 50p. On the positive side, I not only found 50p but also my spare phone charger which I’ve been looking for for ages.

When I got to the ground, I pressed the wrong button on the coffee machine and got a “café au lait” rather than a “café crème”. This was probably one of the best mistakes I’ve ever made in drink selection. It turns out that the café au lait contains significantly more cream than the café crème.

After the interval there were some drunk men sat in front of me who took 6 overs to subtract 89 from 204. The answer is 115. I worked that out in my head before Steve Harmison had walked back to his mark.

Darren Stevens hurt himself. I didn’t see how, because I was doing the crossword in The Guardian. I did see Geraint Jones do a little impression of a running man to get someone on the balcony to send on a runner, though. That was worth the extra 50p all by itself.