Rob Key
Is this the greatest post of all time?
No. This is not the greatest post of all time. This is quite possibly a competitor for the title ‘worst post of all time’.
Two hours, people. We’re on the edge of our seat and we’ve seen the thing maybe a thousand times already.
You will literally NEVER get bored of what you’re about to experience.
16 AppealsIt’s your birthday tomorrow and it’s Christmas tomorrow AND that girl off that television advert that you’ve got a thing for has got something planned for you too
Maybe you’re feigning indifference. Maybe you think you’re above it all. Maybe you genuinely don’t care. It matters not a jot. We are going to RAIN CAPITAL LETTERS DOWN UPON YOU in the build-up to the greatest post of all time.
It is being published TOMORROW at midday to mark the occasion of Rob Key playing for England in the World Cup. Or at least to mark the occasion of England playing in the World Cup and having Rob Key in their squad, which is pretty much the way it’s looking at the moment.
It doesn’t matter that Rob’s been batting like a world-class tail-ender this season. We’ve been waiting for this for three bloody years and we’re not letting widespread public indifference, a small amount of hatred and Rob’s apparent nonselection put us off. Rob Key is having this special day marked by the greatest update in internet history and that’s that.
Tomorrow. Brace yourselves.
9 AppealsMaking fun look as cheery as an Eastenders highlights DVD
If you think by failing to engage us, you’re going to discourage us, you’re kidding yourselves. If you think your silence is going to avert an excruciatingly unnecessary, day-by-day countdown, you’re wrong.
It is two days until Rob Key plays for England in the Twenty20 World Cup. It is two days until we unleash the greatest post in internet history.
We think you’re severely underestimating how good this post will be. We’ve honestly had it ready since May 2007. When you see it, you won’t believe that we’ve managed to hold onto something this good for so long without rupturing our pancreas or something.
Friday. Midday. Hold onto your vital organs in case they try and escape amid all the excitement.
38 AppealsFriday at midday – be there (here)
Friday is a very special day. Friday is a very, very special day. Friday is the day when Rob Key represents England in the World Cup.
At this point in time, we’re not even considering the slight possibility that he might not play. If he doesn’t play in the warm-up tomorrow, we might start to get a bit worried, but as it stands, we’re primed and ready for action – Rob’s action.
Of course, a great moment like this needs to be marked in some way and oh how we are going to mark it. We have decided that Rob Key playing for England in the World Cup is reason enough to unleash THE GREATEST UPDATE IN INTERNET HISTORY.
Those upper case letters are not misleading. When you see Friday’s update you will DEFINITELY cry, you will PROBABLY crap yourself through emotion and you will POSSIBLY live six years longer having seen it.
Friday’s update will appear at midday sharp, long before the match starts so that it doesn’t distract anyone. Be here at 11.55am, manically hammering F5 so that you see it as soon as it’s unleashed.
Today’s picture, as so often, was kindly supplied by Ceci.
12 AppealsRob Key – England opening batsman
Just imagine the match announcer saying: “Opening the batting for England: Robert Key and someone else.”
Because that’s what they’d say. They wouldn’t name the second batsman, because there would be NO POINT. The announcer has already given you all the information you could ever need: It’s England and it’s Rob Key representing England.
England have made Robert Key the most important fifteenth of their 15-man Twenty20 World Cup squad. They didn’t say that he was the most important fifteenth when they made the announcement, because they didn’t need to.
But he is the most important fifteenth. Rob would be the most important fifteenth of any gathering of 15 people.
8 AppealsRob Key: all-rounder
Over the years, we’ve often asked ourself: ‘Could Rob Key actually be any more awesome?’
Always the answer has been the same: ‘Not really. Only if he managed to clean bowl Northamptonshire’s David Willey.’
Finally, after years of waiting, David Willey actually started playing first-class cricket this season. Kent faced Northamptonshire this week and Rob Key took the chance to complete himself and become 100% awesome.
Rob had never taken a first-class wicket before, because he didn’t need to prove ANYTHING to ANYONE. But with Willey at the crease, he had a task to carry out.
Here is the completion of that task.
Here is Rob celebrating the completion of that task.
Here’s what happend to the stumps. They have been DECIMATED.
Now here’s Rob doing a bit of pointing, because pointing is what you do when you have attained the status of being the world’s first 100% awesome individual.
Monumental thanks to Sarah, Canterbury for capturing history on her camera.
28 AppealsRobert Key so close to England we can almost taste it
At the moment we can merely smell Rob Key being part of England, but soon – oh so soon – we’ll actually get to taste it. It’ll taste like hand-pulled elixir of life and we’ll quaff it like there’s no tomorrow.
This is ironic, because the elixir of life kind of devalues the concept of ‘tomorrow’. With eternal life, you can pace yourself; there’s no need to live each day to the full. We’ve got to get us some elixir of life, even if it’s just bottle-conditioned.
Rob Key is in the 25-man England Performance Squad. The Performance Squad is a kind of thumbs-up system the England selectors use for letting players know that they think they’re good.
The mainstream media have gone with the James Foster and Sajid Mahmood angle, which is an unsatisfactorily obtuse angle. The national media are as crap at reporting on 25-man England Performance Squads as they are at reporting on provisional 30-man England Twenty20 squads.
If any of the national newspapers want a specialist to help them cover big, unwieldy, largely meaningless England cricket squads, we’re open to offers.
16 AppealsRob Key is about to become England captain
He is, he is, he is, he is, he is, he is, he is.
Rob Key is in England’s provisional 30-man squad for the World Twenty20 tournament, which, considering Andrew Strauss’s absence, puts him in prime position to take up his rightful place as captain/king of England.
Most media outlets have taken the Strauss angle. Once again the mainstream media are wide of the mark when reporting on a provisional 30-man England squad. Provisional 30-man England squad reportage is not what it was.
Admittedly, once again, we’re getting far too carried away. We’ve been burned before. But Rob Key is a man who can hit boundaries by just miming a forward defensive shot using the back of his hand and making that bat-on-ball cluck sound. He deserves a place in this squad.
Only one question remains: do we release the Rob Key post of unmatched and iridescent brilliance when he’s confirmed in the final 15-man squad, do we wait until he’s named captain or do we wait until he gets back in the Test team?
It’s too brilliant to save, but it’s also too brilliant to waste on any day other than the BEST DAY EVER.
6 AppealsRobert Key fielding a burger
All aboard the Rob-Key-fielding-different-foodstuffs bandwagon. Sam sent us this in response to Vin’s exquisite piece of Rob Key art.
We asked Sam if he had anything to add that might enrich our enjoyment of the picture.
Sam said: “Not really, I think the picture speaks for itself. He’s fielding a burger.”
9 Appeals
