Rob Key

Rob Key making the diving stop of his life

Vin sent us this. It is too exquisite for words.

Officially we should admonish Vin for the use of the pie, because Rob doesn’t like fat jokes. Unofficially, we think that if someone’s going to take the time to do a Rob Key picture of this standard, they can do whatever they bloody well want.

Sorry it’s not Isa Guha and her cat pointing at a sign that says ‘moron centre’, but we think you’ll agree, this is still pretty damn good.

Essex win Friends Provident Trophy

Bit disappointing that lots of southern Africans hit runs and pretty much nobody English did. Bit disappointing that Rob Key didn’t get to celebrate.

Rob’s had a lot of near-misses this season, what with this, the Twenty20 Cup and his being mentioned regarding the England captaincy. Near misses are still misses though and Rob needs some hits.

Perhaps he should talk up his winters in Perth. England’s selectors are suckers for an exotic cricketing education. Tell them you were born abroad and they think you know some secret that will make you good at cricket. Tell them you were born in East Dulwich and they sigh and think: ‘He’s one of us. He doesn’t have the secret knowledge.’

Rob does have the secret knowledge. He has so much secret knowledge. He knows how to levitate, he knows where the Holy Grail is and he knows how to repel slugs in the garden without recourse to chemicals.

Why Rob Key is the man

Some of you are doubtless under the impression that we like Rob Key because he’s a ruddy-faced barrel of a man, but that’s not why at all. That’s just a bonus.

The real reason why we like Rob Key is because we think he’s a fantastic batsman. One of his biggest strengths is a real, genuine sense of perspective. Steve Waugh once said of him: “He doesn’t give a shit about much”.

Waugh meant this as a compliment, going on to say that it meant he wouldn’t get overawed by anything, which is invaluable in top-level sport.

Rob pretty much just likes playing cricket and doesn’t really worry about things that are out of his hands. He was asked about qualifying for the multi-million pound Twenty20 Champions’ League. Kent’s appearance is in doubt due to their fielding ICL players during the Twenty20 Cup.

Here’s his answer: “How do I feel about qualifying? I’m not too bothered.”

Update: He also said about the Champions’ League: “Until I get some plane tickets and they say this is it, I could not care.”
 

What could be better than Ian Bell’s 199?

Ian Bell’s innings of 199 against South Africa was better than waking up on a Saturday thinking it’s a Monday and then realising the truth. It was better than hearing the phone ring and picking it up only to hear a dialling tone. It was even better than being asleep.

It had skill. It had determination. It had urgency when urgency was required. It had patience when patience was required. It had single-mindedness and it had beautiful, delicious remorselessness which we hadn’t even dreamed that Bell possessed.

So what could possibly be better than that? The obvious answer as to what could be better than an innings of 199 would be to say 200, but you’d be wrong. The correct, mathematically counter-intuitive answer would be an innings of 157.

For it isn’t just about the scoring or how the scoring’s done. It’s who’s doing the scoring. Rob Key hit 157 against Yorkshire this weekend.

He did everything that Ian Bell did, only he did it in Rob Key’s body, floating inches off the floor throughout and with the effortless indifference of a man who just doesn’t care, but who also cares quite a lot.

The REAL news about England’s selection announcement

Andrew Flintoff, Simon Jones, Darren Pattinson, Tim Bresnan. How bloody wide of the mark can the mainstream media get? Very. That’s how wide.

There’s the mark and…

…there… that’s where they are. Wide and perhaps a little bit low as well.

The real news is of course His inclusion in England’s provisional 30-man squad for The Champions’ Trophy.

Being as this squad will be cleft in twain on August the 11th, we’re not going to go properly mental just yet. But just to warn you, we’ve had something in our locker for ages now that’s so good it’ll make you sweat jam out of your pores.

If Rob Key makes the final 15-man squad, we will unleash it on the world.

We were going to wait until he got back in the Test squad before showing it, but attempting to stifle its iridescent brilliance for much longer might actually kill us. Cross your fingers.

Today categorising the blog post is a treat: ‘Rob Key’ and ‘England’.

Martin van Jaarsveld thrives under his captain

Not literally under his captain. That would be painful, even allowing for Rob Key’s new, racing snake physique.

Against Surrey, Martin van Jaarsveld hit two unbeaten hundreds and took 5-33, even though he’d never taken more than two wickets in an innings before.

When asked what precipitated this rare spell of form, he responded:

“I’ve been having trouble with my backlift of late. I was trying to iron things out in the nets when Rob came past, mumbling. I think it was some sort of incantation because there was a sudden, blinding light and the next thing I know I’m in the physio’s room and my lunch money’s gone.

“Pretty much the same thing happened the next day and the day after that. By the first day of the Surrey match I was feeling a bit light-headed with having missed the majority of my meals, but there was a calmness in my delirium and everything just clicked.”

Van Jaarsveld then added: “The bowling was a fluke though.”

RWT Key lbw bowled Martin for 24

It was going down leg. We haven’t seen it, but it was definitely going down the legside.

If anyone out there thinks that Rob Key was genuinely dismissed, they’d better steel themselves for the consequences.

The consequences are that we will politely disagree with them.

Rob Key punishes New Zealand

Punish them!

Rob Key today doled out a punishing barrage of punishment. New Zealand were the unfortunate punishees, punished for being an international team with the temerity to take on The Big Key.

“Punish them!” cried the crowd and The Big Key obliged with 178 not out.

This would happen to each and every Test nation if England were to actually pick The Big Key. Every right-thinking soul thinks they should. It’s surely just a matter of time.

The case for Test match punishment off the meat of The Big Key’s bat is now overwhelming. There’s an unstoppable momentum that can only culminate in one thing: Rob Key batting in a Test match again.

We’re off to the doctors first thing tomorrow. Hopefully a diplodocus-sized treatment of lithium will take the edge of our excitement sufficiently that we don’t burst and die.

Steven Finn proves himself completely

Steven Finn bowled Rob Key for one yesterday. We said that Steven Finn was one to watch this season. How much more right could we be?

The answer, of course, is none. None more right.

Rob’s been recovering from a virus. This is the only time he is at all vulnerable.

We have lots in common with Rob Key

“I am a cricket nut. I used to drive up and down the country with Min Patel talking about cricket, cricket, cricket. Every shot, every ball, every field placing, we discussed it at length. I am always talking about cricket – I must be quite a dull fellow.” - Rob Key

That’s amazing! We love cricket too!

What are the chances?