Rob Key

Rob Key and Joe Denly POWER UP

Rob Key’s Special Powers are already being passed onto Joe Denly. Kent’s opening pair started the season with a hundred apiece and an opening stand of 225. POWER UP!

Whatever Leeds-Bradford UCCE threw at them, Key and Denly countered it with disdain.

Harry Gurney: Countered with disdain!

Richard Browning: Countered with disdain!

James Lord: Countered with disdain!

Duncan Snell: Countered with disdain!

Tom Pringle: Disdainfully countered!

Having thoroughly and comprehensively POWERED UP during this warm-up fixture, Rob Key and Joe Denly should now remain FULLY POWERED for the remainder of the season.

In fact, it would be no surprise if, later in the season, Rob Key has been SO FULL OF POWER for SO LONG that he starts to glow white hot and consequently discovers A WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF POWER.

It would be no surprise at all if that happened. No surprise whatsoever. It probably will happen. In fact, it’s such a cast-iron certainty let’s start taking bets as to when it’s going to occur.

Rob Key suffers interminable torment at the hands of England’s selectors and coaches

“I don’t expect tea and cakes with England selectors and coaches.”

So don’t go round to their houses. Come to ours instead. We’ll look after you.

We’ve got four different sorts of tea and we’ll make sure we get an even greater array of cakes in especially. We don’t really eat cake, but we know how important it is to some people.

There’ll be crisps and sandwiches and big hams on the bone like they eat in Asterix. It’ll be ace.

Then afterwards we can go out into the garden and play cricket with a tennis ball. You can be Brett Lee and we’ll be Rob Key.

Or maybe you could be Rob Key even. If you wanted.

Joe Denly, Kent

Joe Denly or James Hildreth? Joe Denly or James Hildreth? Joe Denly’s nickname is ‘No Pants’. Decision made.

Plus Joe Denly gets to open the batting with Rob Key. Spend any amount of time in Rob’s vicinity and a little bit of genius is bound to rub off. We managed to do an entire wordsearch once while we were waiting in a car outside his house. Ordinarily we’d never have managed that, but Rob must have left just a faint whiff of genius in his bin and it must have attached itself to us during the rummaging.

Joe Denly’s so lucky. He gets to do ‘talking’ with Rob in between overs. We’ve got a whole shoebox full of questions for Rob for when we get to have a go at ‘talking’.

One time we were watching Rob on telly and we told him to leave the next delivery if he wanted us to buy him some ice cream. He played the next delivery and we could tell that he was telling us he didn’t want ice cream. If we can communicate that well with him USING ONLY OUR MIND, think how well we could communicate with him using ‘talking’.

Joe Denly’s 22 and a handy batsman. We’ll be watching him out of the corner of our eye while the main part of our eye is FIRMLY TRAINED on Rob Key.

More cricketers to watch in 2008.

Rob Key conquers Australia and the USA AT ONCE

“The dream scenario was to have Russell Crowe firing down bouncers at Jude Law and Robbie Williams in the final over of the inaugural G’Day USA Hollywood Ashes cricket match in suburban Los Angeles.”

Thankfully, that nightmare never arose, because those three idiots didn’t bother turning up. Instead, Rob Key was on hand to hit an unbeaten 51 and to score the winning runs, thus ruining the celebration of all things Australian with his irrepressible Englishness and all-consuming godliness.

Steve Waugh played and made 40. Rob made 51. Rob Key is 27.5% better than Steve Waugh.

Thanks to Nemo for saving us the effort of scouring the entire internet for every single mention of Rob Key.

Rob Key to continue as Kent captain

Not news exactly, more the reporting of the status quo, but if you’re the kind of website that publishes pictures of Rob Key as a pie in the sky, then you’re the kind of website that reports on the status quo – insofar as it relates to Rob Key.

Kent’s website says that Rob is pretty much exactly the same height and weight as we are. We resolutely do not look like Rob Key. There’s always the chance that we’re a full stone out with our own weight – we have trouble remembering self-measurements such as height, weight and age – but we’re pretty confident.

Rob really is quite trim these days. His former self still looms large in people’s memories though. This is probably because websites like this continue to publish ancient photos of him.

Well, enough. If we have even the slightest impact on the nation’s view of the man, then we must do more to support him. We genuinely want him back playing for England because winter is really really rubbish and if he were playing for England, he’d be on tour and every day would feel like our birthday.

The pie in the sky

The Count Of Montetwisto writes:

“One merry summer’s day I was out walking m’ whippets, as one does, and happened across a field of golden crop. I drew a hearty toke upon my pipe and took in the halcyon vista and thought to document it for you all.”

What relevance is this, you ask? Well if we enlarge the pie, we can clearly see the face of Our Lord:

The Count continues: “All shall cower before his image, unless it’s a match day when all shall cower yet cheer – at the good bits.”

Rob Key as various cinematic characters

You might think that early November would be a dry time for Rob Key posts, but you’d be wrong, for Robert Keyes was one of the conspirators in the gunpowder plot.

Also, AP Webster sent us these, saying: “Apologies for the dodgy photoshopping. Sometimes it’s hard to know which of Rob’s chins to cut around.”

At least we would call, but Rob changed his phone number and forgot to tell us. He’s not even in the phone book any more.

He was holding one of those when he appeared at the window that night.

Indiana Jones is always running away as well.

We’ve seen Rob Key on the beach and while the pictures didn’t come out too well what with the distance and all, we’re pretty sure that this isn’t an accurate representation of Rob’s physique.

Rob’s much more toned.

Some old, yet equally beautiful pictures of Rob Key.

Or Send us some of your own creations if you’re trying to lose your job by avoiding work.

North Gear Premier League Twenty20 Grand Final match report

Royal Cricket (no relation) visited Canterbury to ignore the North Gear Premier League Twenty20 Grand Final. They say this:

Our mate Paul Hibberd’s younger brother, James, was playing, so we didn’t ignore him but we did spend lots of time ignoring the cricket and looking at the cameras to make sure we got on the telly.

In the bits we saw, James was legendary. We were surprised, but then we picked up why this was so. Early on, Paul had met Rob Key. During the meeting, as you can see from this picture, Rob’s power surged from Rob to Paul – you can tell from the way that Paul’s hair has stuck out at the side.

This proved to be the decisive factor because when Paul stood near his brother afterwards, the power of Rob Key surged onwards to James. James then went on to pick up the man of the match award in the semi-final and take 2-15 in the final as Totton and Eling Eels defeated Ockbrook and Borrowash Devils.

We got on the telly in our club shirts too. Which made us laugh. Actually that might have been the many pints of Shepherd Neame Masterbrew that we drank.

Rob Key hits a Pro40 hundred against Glamorgan

Rob Key’s 91 ball 107 not out happened 12 days ago. It’s taken us this long to find a prominent expert to comment on the innings.

If you’re thinking: ‘Oh no. Not this joke again. This is getting really tired,’ then stop to consider how successful that means Rob Key’s season must have been. And yes, originally it was a joke. We know it seems unlikely now you’ve heard it 50 times. Anyway, on with the “joke”.

One prominent expert was moved to comment:

“That boy’s hundred was the fastest ever in any form of cricket, if I’m not much mistaken. It was also the most runs scored by an individual batsman in any kind of match.

“If I had a pound for every record that ruby-jowled pup broke today I’d be eating foie gras for every meal. At least I would if I didn’t find its production abhorrent and its taste repugnant.

“Perhaps I could treat that man-ball to a serving of his favourite foodstuff. He deserves no less.”

Rob Key fined for throwing bat in Twenty20 final

We thought it was a hissy fit of poise and dignity.

If anything, it’s the ECB who should be fined – fined for crimes against perfection. Whatever that might mean.

Luckily Rob mastered alchemy years ago and makes his own gold.