Shane Warne

Shane Warne and Liz Hurley in the News of the World

We had rather foolishly assumed that the ‘Shane Warne might make a comeback’ story would be the stupidest Shane Warne story of the week.

But no.

Apparently, model and actress-who-gets-by-pretty-much-solely-on-her-looks, Liz Hurley, has been having ‘an affair’ with our favourite swollen-looking Antipodean cartoon character.

What constitutes an affair? If people of different genders both agree that the crackers they’re eating are a bit dry, that’s usually enough for the News of the World.

In other equally credible news, Brad Haddin has married one of the Chuckle Brothers in a secret ceremony while Shane Watson has devised a revolutionary technique for prenatal DNA testing.

Imagine you’re Shane Warne

We’ll give you a minute or two to get to grips with that. You can come back later if it’s too much to take in at once.

For those of you who are okay, we’ll continue.

So you’re Shane Warne. With your reputation, would you choose to put this image in a prominent position on your website?

You’re Shane Warne. Tell us what you’re texting and to whom.

Shane Warne learns Indian English

Depending on the speaker’s mother tongue, there are different forms of Indian English. Each has its own little quirks. The word ‘the’ might disappear from one sentence and appear unexpectedly in another. The words ‘would’ and ‘will’ are often used interchangeably.

We’ve no problem with any of this. Our Hindi’s hardly top drawer. However, when the words of players are reinterpreted and passed off as direct quotes, it grates a bit.

According to Cricinfo, Shane Warne said the following about his efforts to improve relations with Melbourne’s Indian population, following recent attacks:

“I hail from Victoria in Australia and have had the cricketing relations with India for more than 20 years. I love all the three – Victoria, Australia and India. That is why I have tried to visit the Indian community in Victoria and had assured them.”

Shane Warne never said that.

But does this matter? Well, some peccadillos actually change the meaning of what’s being said. How many balls have you managed to turn, Shane?

“I have turned few balls during the practice matches. I hope I would soon be in perfect rhythm.”

Warney finds the ball

“Here it is!”

“It was tucked between two of my rolls of flab.”

Shane Warne as commentator for Sky Sports

As a commentator, Shane Warne’s all that’s good about Australians: he’s straightforward, honest and not afraid to say what he’s thinking.

Warne’s at his best describing spin bowling, but it’s also fascinating to hear about life in the Australia team. Without actually saying that he thought any particular player was a bit of a dick, he lets you know those he didn’t get on with and the fairly simple reasons why. You generally agree with him.

Mike Atherton asked him about the occasion when the Aussies went to watch Lleyton Hewitt at Wimbledon and wore their Australian baggy green caps. “I wanted to puke at that point,” said Atherton.

Warne was at pains to underline that not everybody had been so attired.

“Justin Langer and Gilchrist and Steve Waugh wore their green baggy cap, but not all of us did, Athers. We were asked to and some of us drew the line and said: Mate, we’re at the tennis. We don’t need to wear our baggy green cap at the tennis to say we like Australia.”

Sky Sports’ coverage needs him as well, because it’s a bit relentlessly English and needs some breadth of opinion.

Shane Warne’s head

Shane Warne’s head has long been round and red, but it seems to be getting ever more inflated and ever more vivid in colour.

It looks like a spacehopper.

Hampshire lose Warne while Sussex keep Mushtaq

Well that’s made the County Championship a damn sight easier to predict.

Mushtaq Ahmed has played more of a part in deciding the competition than any other single player in recent years. He’s being allowed to play for Sussex despite competing in the naughty Twenty20 league, the ICL. He’ll be available for the whole season and will doubtless take heaps of wickets like usual.

Shane Warne’s competing in the perfectly acceptable Twenty20 league which despite its official status clashes with a good chunk of the English domestic season. He wouldn’t be turning out for Hampshire much because of that and his ‘poker commitments’ so he’s decided to retire instead.

So Hampshire are further weakened. Their new captain will be Dimitri Mascarenhas who is himself missing a load of matches because he’s appearing in the IPL. We’re glad that we’re not Paul Terry, Hampshire’s team manager. He might have to get his pads down from the loft at this rate.

Spin bowlers: we even love the ones who are complete bastards

Are You A Left-Arm Chinaman? will shortly be celebrating its first birthday. In honour of its bias towards spin and to join in the festivities, we’re contributing this.

We thought we’d write about our favourite spinner. So who is that? Well, it’s probably Monty Panesar, but this doesn’t quite sit right. Monty can’t be our favourite spinner of all time, after all, because we already loved spin bowling when he arrived.

Who then? Eddie Hemmings, Peter Such, Robert Croft? No. Any spinner whose wicket-taking delivery was ‘the one that goes straight on’ isn’t for us.

What about Tuffers then? Phil ‘The Cat’ Tufnell – a man the selectors never wanted to pick but occasionally had to, because every now and again he’d single-handedly win a Test match. Mike Atherton was certain of Tufnell’s worth and his autobiography (definitely one of the better ones) depicts a constant battle to get the bowling attack that he wants, of which Tufnell is a major part.

But something’s still awry. For just those selectorial reasons, we never saw enough of Tufnell to form a lifetime devotion to the art of spin, although he surely played a part. So what spin bowler did have that sort of impact on us?

No. It couldn’t be. He can’t be our favourite spinner. We hate him. Everyone hates him. Believe us, we were more surprised than you, but we’ve had to accept it: Shane Warne’s our favourite spin bowler.

We’re currently working our way through a review copy of If It Was Raining Palaces, I’d Get Hit By The Dunny Door by Nigel Henderson. At one point during the infamous Adelaide Test, an Australian sitting next to Henderson in the crowd turns to him and says: “He’s great Warnie, isn’t he? But I can’t stand the man, he’s a total cockhead. If he walked into my local, I’d smack him straight in the face.”

Now at least that guy had the benefit of Warne doing great things for his team, rather than against them. Imagine how we feel. The guy’s ‘a total cockhead’ and he’s humiliating the team you support, yet still you want to watch every ball, because you admire the guy so much. Bastard.

There are other spinners we love, but Warne’s the one who taught us that spin bowling’s a great way of turning a match your way and he also taught us that while a batsman can be intimidated by fast bowling, he can never look quite so bewildered and humiliated as he can when he’s being worked-over by a brilliant spin bowler.

Spin bowling’s bloody brilliant. Batsmen play at balls and miss them by two feet and they leave balls that hit the stumps. The deliveries come thick and fast and the fielders are all crowded round like a makeshift human batting net.

To spin! [Raises mug of tea, spilling contents over keyboard slightly.]

Shane Warne’s 700th Test wicket
Justin Langer about Shane Warne
Shane Warne retires – our view of the man