Does the England cricket team need a cartoon baker?

You need opening batsmen, you need a wicketkeeper, you need a spinner. You don’t always need a guy who looks like a cartoon baker.

That’s not to say that such a person isn’t of value though. Sometimes the captain will look round the field and think to himself: ‘Oh for a chubby, friendly face topped with curly hair that makes me feel like I’m about to be offered some fresh oven bottom muffins’.

If that happens, does Stuart Broad fit the bill? Most certainly not. If you want a vertically stretched version of the stroppy blonde boy from a 1950s novel, he’s your man. But if you want a jovial, red-faced, perspiring chap who looks like he’s keen that you try his new farmhouse loaf, you want Tim Bresnan.

Which is our way of saying that we have no opinion as to whether Stuart Broad or Tim Bresnan plays in the first Test against India.

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16 Appeals

  1. Plainly you favour the baker since his is the only name in the category classification. Plus he can bake.

  2. As everyone knows, tricky selection decisions are best made (and actually made as it happens) on the basis of anagrams. Tim Bresnan is an anagram of Bent Arm Sin, which suggests that he carries the worrying potential to be no-balled for chucking.

    Stuart Broad, however, is a fine player away from home (Strut Abroad), but also a liability away from home (Bad Tour Star; Tour Bastard). He is clearly rather dull (Drab As Trout). But possibly the main attribute that anagram-analysis reveals is that he is extremely useful in cheering up his misspelled teammates with a massage (Rub A Sad Trot).

    (Also Sad Bra Tutor, but I really can’t think how I can apply that one to the current England dressing room, unless Samit Patel gets a game.)

  3. golden bollocks

    July 18, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Rob Key fulfills not only the required baker slot but also the opening batsmen role as well. Add in the fact it would give england the dastardly left-hand-right-hand opening combo and one can’t help but think that england have missed a trick. yet again.

    • ‘Oh for a chubby, friendly face topped with curly hair that makes me feel like I’m about to be offered some fresh oven bottom muffins’.

      I guess only the last part about being offered edibles takes Rob of Key out of the equasion. Rob does not share food.

  4. Doesn’t the England cricket team need a cartoon baker?

  5. For all Bresnan’s beefiness, I feel Broad remains the more likely to lose it and punch someone in the face. This gives him the edge.

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