England win or lose to New Zealand

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This is how you write a match report: a week early.

England put on a staggering/staggeringly inept performance against New Zealand yesterday, after a topsy-turvy/one-sided contest in which English cricket/New Zealand cricket/cricket/the weather was the only winner.

James Anderson opened the bowling and delivered a virtuoso performance/a never-ending supply of juicy half-volleys.

England’s top order once again failed woefully/scored far too slowly.

Brendon McCullum hit five sixes before holing out/two sixes before holing out/a six before holing out.

Dimitri Mascarenhas hit four sixes/Jacob Oram with a brutish lifter/the dressing room wall in frustration/Ian Bell in frustration.

Paul Collingwood said after the match: “We’re a developing side and I’m confident we’re still moving forward. Some players are still settling into their roles and when that happens I’m sure we’ll be a difficult team to beat.”

Weird that there’s no options for that last one.

DON'T BE LIKE GATT!

Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.

Coincidence?

Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?

2 comments

  1. Dimitri Mascarenhas hit four sixes/Jacob Oram with a brutish lifter/the dressing room wall in frustration/Ian Bell in frustration/Ian Bell for a laugh, well you would too wouldn’t you? Go on admit it, I bet you would.

    Surprisingly inaccurate in the end KC… good effort though.

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