Just prior to the second Test, someone swapped England’s selectors’ supply of mogadon-laced Danish pastries for a batch of E-number laden kids’ snacks. Rumour has it they ate that unnerving stretchy cheese from the advert. We don’t know much, but we do know that cheese should never stretch without the application of heat.
Buoyed by their mind-addling repast, the selectors brought in a barely-known Antipodean roofer and promoted Tim Ambrose to number six on the strength of his seven-ball four at Lord’s. So what treats have they got in store for us come the next Test?
Well after showing admirable resilience with the bat, James Anderson will surely move up to number three in order to protect Michael Vaughan from the new ball. Stuart Broad will move up to four as the team’s strokemaker and also to protect Michael Vaughan from the newish ball.
For his part, Michael Vaughan seems likely to completely forgo his turn at batting in order to better protect him from the ball. He will be a coin-tossing, fielding only captain.
In order to protect Flintoff from too great a workload, England will field seven specialist bowlers. Darren Pattinson will retain his place and the attack will be bolstered by two more medium-pace swing bowlers. Mark Ealham seems a certainty and so does that guy with the funny accent who was playing in the park with his kids last weekend.
Vaughan will share the bowling responsibilities equally between James Anderson and Andrew Flintoff, keeping the other bowlers fresh for whenever some cloud finally appears.
South Africa are set to name an unchanged side.