Match report

Old Filchonians over-40s midweek Twenty20 evening match report

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Bert writes:

3.4 The bowler is up to the wicket now and he bowls and that is clipped away nicely through midwicket for at least two, the fielder is chasing hard and HE’S OUT! The fielder is OUT! Bert is down in a crumpled heap on the floor clutching his hamstring. Well that was a suicidal chase at his age. His teammates are gathering round in concern, worried that they might have to do more running now they’re a man down. And one of them has told him to stop whining and get on with it. And I think, yes, I’m sure that was the captain. Bert gets gingerly to his feet, obviously in considerable pain. Any reasonable man can see quite clearly that Bert is in absolute agony here. Anyone with any sense of humanity whatsoever can quite plainly see that Bert is in no position to run, barely even walk, and therefore needs both sympathy and care if he is to continue in this match. And as expected, the captain has moved him to extra cover with nobody at all on the off-side boundary, told him to drop to three-quarter distance and press in to save the single.

DON'T BE LIKE GATT!

Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.

Coincidence?

Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?

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11 comments

  2. Every club has players who are susceptible to injury. I think we’ve all had to field with 10 at some stage, or may as well have with one guy standing in the slips at all times (even for the non turning off spinners).
    Just last season we had a game where the captain of the other team gave up about 3 balls into his spell and limped off the field. We were watching him sip iced cordial all afternoon with his legs up while one of the other guys kids fielded.
    When it was time for them to chase our target of 60 odd he came out to open the batting with his runner. When I asked if he would like a chair to rest his weary legs in between deliveries he got upset.
    Don’t be that guy Bert…

    1. I think you should be whoever you want to be, Bert.

      And if, in similar circumstances, you are offered a chair while batting, I suggest that you answer, “thanks awfully. That would be super. How very sporting of you.”

  3. Three matches so far this summer (the O40s has a big squad). Scores so far:

    0 (from 4 balls)
    DNB (injured)
    DNB (injured)

    Still on track to be a record breaking season.

  4. As much as this makes for good reading, to the point that I’d like to have all of the ball-the-ball commentary for the match, to see if in fact he saved any singles subsequently, surely Bert’s match report contains far too much coverage of the cricket itself?

    1. 3.5 Full delivery outside off pushed gently away to the covers, rolling to a stop about five yards short of the extra cover fielder, and the batsmen come back for an easy twelve.

    2. To reiterate, the rules about mentioning the cricket only apply to professional matches. With amateur matches, the more detail the better – particularly if it’s the kind of match where the bat’s a cardboard tube and the stumps are a milk crate.

    3. Thanks for the clarification, KC, and apologies for making you reiterate so early in the morning.

    4. I think I see the problem here. People are clearly assuming that I am a professional cricketer of much repute and thus my mentioning of the cricket I play is banned, probably because of my vast cricket knowledge and deeply insightful comments. For example:

      Apparently Steve Smith might bat at four for the Aussies at Old Trafford. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahah…

  5. I had a game earlier in the season where I fell down a hole that the home team used to put the poles in the rope off the square. Ankle ligaments gone.

    Obviously batted at 11. Their opening bowler limped off rather dramatically after about 7 overs slicing through our top order and came to sit next to me, laughing at how we were both cripples. Very funny mate.

    I go in at 11 (not even to try and win the game, that was well gone. It was to try and get an extra ****ing batting point). As I limp out to bat, using the bat as a makeshift crutch, the prick is only following me out there. I survive a couple of balls of lollipop spinners from the guy that got the number 10 out, then all of a sudden he’s marking his full run up out.

    As the first 3 ball whizz between bat and pad and over the stumps, he actually keeps coming down to me and laughing about how injured we both are.

    A cultured chinese cut and a hoick off the back of the bat over slips later, the batting point is secured. Then, to really rub salt into the wounds for him, I give a nice little return catch to the spinner next over. Have some of that.

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