Kevin Pietersen doesn’t have a weakness against left-arm spin. Not directly anyway. Kevin Pietersen’s weakness is that sometimes he thinks he could travel to the moon without a vehicle or oxygen.

All players have a confidence range. Sometimes they’re up, sometimes they’re down, but the extremes aren’t the same for all players.

For example, you want Andrew Strauss to be as confident as possible, because when he’s nervy, he gets out. Kevin Pietersen’s optimum level of confidence is in the mid to low end of his range. Kevin Pietersen is at his most vulnerable when he’s on 185 and he’s just switch-hit a six or when a left-arm spinner who doesn’t turn it much comes on to bowl.

When faced with Paul Harris, Ryan Hinds or Yuvraj Singh, KP assumes that he’ll middle every ball. As a consequence, he doesn’t consider playing across the line at a ball delivered straight at the stumps is in any way dangerous.

At our most confident, we feel like there’s a healthy chance that we won’t walk into a door frame. We can never aim much higher than that.

Tags: Kevin Pietersen // 8 Appeals »

Opening batsmen always talk about developing ‘an understanding’ with their opening partner.

Shane Watson and Simon Katich should try and understand that batsmen should end up at opposite ends when running between the wickets.

We hope Australia never drop Shane Watson. He blends haplessness, incompetence, misfortune and childish petulance. It’s a heady cocktail.

Last Test he jumped up and down like a five-year-old when he dismissed Chris Gayle and everyone had to look away because it was so embarrassing. This Test, he’s contrived to run himself out for 93 to follow the 96 and the 89 that he made in the previous two Tests.

To Shane Watson [raises glass].

Tags: Shane Watson // 15 Appeals »

We’ve always said that Shane Watson always looks on the verge of tears. Chris Gayle agrees.

Gayle says that Watson’s easy to wind up. “He only looks big and strong but he’s soft.”

But how soft? We already know that Watson’s so soft he has to sleep in Brett Lee’s room when he thinks he’s in a haunted castle, but surely he’s even softer than that.

We’d say that Shane Watson is so soft that if he were wearing one of those children’s coats which features a pair of mittens on a string, he’d cry if one of the mittens got lost up a sleeve.

Anyone want to raise us on that?

Tags: Shane Watson // 29 Appeals »

Jo Fitz writes:

South Africa – pah – let’s concentrate on the real midwinter battle – Chris Hollins v Ricky Whittle.

When The Cat got knocked out in week 9, the inevitability that a cricketer always wins Strictly Come Dancing seemed to have been proved wrong.

But the best kept secret was that Chris Hollins is a cricketer – and tonight his destiny was fulfilled.

I rest my case.

Tags: Chris Hollins // 4 Appeals »

What, like as a prize or something?
No. Highveld Lions are a South African domestic side.

So he’s not being paid in big cats then?
No.

Are you keeping an eye on his performances?
Yes.

So how’s he been doing? Why haven’t you reported anything?
Er, well… he’s been okay.

Would you say that he’s taken 15 wickets at an average of 39.06?
Yes.

Do you think that this question and answer format made this non-news any more palatable for the readers?
Not really. A couple of them might have got further down the page before they realised nothing was going to happen though.

Won’t they just be more annoyed because of that?
Probably, yes.

Is that what really matters to you? That you’ve got on people’s nerves more than usual?
Yes. That is one of the few things that makes us happy.

Tags: Monty Panesar // 13 Appeals »

Every cricketer’s got a ‘thing’. It is immediately apparent that Friedel de Wet’s ‘thing’ is his entirely superfluous bunny hop at the start of his run-up.

De Wet cut through England’s lower order like urine through snow and we can only think that it was because most of them were wondering what exactly he’d just jumped over during his approach to the crease.

“Did he just jump over a badger with a knife? Is the badger gang here in South Africa? How did they get here? How did they know? Why is the umpire raising his finger. Shit.”

Tags: Friedel de Wet // 14 Appeals »

The Cardiff Ashes Test was a great example of how a draw can be exciting. Today, after playing in the snow, eating a roast dinner and having a couple of pints, we would have been happy with a soporific blockathon, but you get what you’re given.

Paul Collingwood made a huge and often overlooked contribution to that Cardiff draw, but he ballsed up by getting out. This time, he made no such mistake.

If we’d known England were going to be batting for a draw on the last day, the two batsmen we’d have picked to see out the last over would have been Cook and Strauss. But if England had to be nine down, we’d have picked Paul Collingwood and his one inch backlift.

We probably wouldn’t have picked Graham Onions though, but as a number 11 he’s duty-bound to appear in last wicket partnerships. That’s what’s great about cricket: five days of slog all hangs on the person least qualified to deliver.

It’s like building a state of the art spy plane, taking it for a test flight and then getting a pangolin to land it. You want a walking pine cone that secretes acid in its anus? The pangolin’s your man. You want an expert aviator? Look elsewhere.

Tags: Paul Collingwood // 14 Appeals »

Ian Bell gets some unwarranted abuse, but if Paul Harris bowls a ball that will hit the stumps if it goes straight on, you bloody well get your bat in the way.

We distinctly remember Ian Bell leaving a straight one from Shane Warne before now and that was bad enough. Paul Harris’s variations are ‘the one that doesn’t grip’, ‘the one that goes straight on’, ‘the arm ball’ and ‘the dart’.

Sometimes we feel moved to defend Ian Bell, but at other times, it’s like telling people that your mate who’s a wanker isn’t actually a wanker at all. You say he’s just opinionated, but then next thing you know he’s pushing a pregnant woman over because he thought she was pushing in at the supermarket checkout.

Tags: Ian Bell // 13 Appeals »

Graeme Swann saved England with five wickets and in an earlier pre-referral era, he might have had seven. Not bad for an off-spinner in the first innings of a match.

Not bad for an off-spinner in any innings, many say. Maybe Warne and Murali are to blame, but everyone thinks you need mystery these days. You don’t. It helps, but it’s not like a spin bowler can’t take wickets with turn and a bit of nous.

Swann compliments tend to take the form ‘he’s doing very well considering’. Graeme Swann’s doing well full stop: 53 Test wickets at 29.60. In this day and age, that’s actually pretty special.

It’s a tough life being a spinner because you’re generally on your own. Fail to take wickets in the fourth innings and everyone says you’re rubbish; that you should always take wickets when conditions are in your favour. Yet batsmen always have conditions in their favour and they all fail often enough. Batsmen have the benefit of six or seven mates to support them though.

Swanny’s alone and he’s doing all right.

Tags: Graeme Swann // 15 Appeals »

How would you describe Chris Gayle’s normal on field expression?
Like someone’s wiped shit on his sleeve but he’s too tired to do anything about it.

How did Chris Gayle look when he got his hundred?
He dropped to his knees and started beaming. It seems he does like Test cricket a bit.

Why?
Why wouldn’t he? He wouldn’t get a whole 70 balls to hit a hundred in Twenty20.

How would you treat Test cricket if you were Chris Gayle?
We’d buy it drinks or maybe just nail it to the floor so it couldn’t get away.

How big was that six?
It was very big.

Tags: Chris Gayle // 5 Appeals »