Some kind of match report or something

Bert writes:

On Saturday last I found myself home alone for the evening, my The Wife having gone out. Bert Jr. and his brother Ernie were in bed, fast asleep. So I had the TV and DVD player all to myself. But what to watch? I narrowed it down to two options – the Melbourne Test Match 2010, or Hot Euro Babes XXX Action.

I chose the porn.

Well, why not? There’s nothing wrong with it, and besides, it’s not something I can watch with the wife present – she doesn’t enjoy that sort of thing. Now I know that people get can all stuffy about it, but it is absolutely natural after all. Some people don’t like the way it portrays the participants, presenting them as mere objects for the enjoyment of others. But they have a choice; no-one forces them to do it, and they can make a lot of money in the process.

For those of you who haven’t seen it, it’s rather full on. The action starts from the first few minutes, no preamble, straight in with the serious stuff. In essence, it is a series of, er… encounters, with one person in the dominant role, the other in the weak and submissive role. There’s normally about ten minutes of foreplay leading up to each climax, but in some cases you don’t even get the foreplay.

Take the first one as an example. It starts with a bit of fumbling around, but soon enough the big fellow rams a straight one into the throat. The result, as I’m sure you can imagine, is a bit messy. The next one involves quite a bit of slapping, which I must admit isn’t really my thing. However, the last scene is rather good – one final big slap behind and it’s all over. After that it’s a succession of similar episodes – in, out, in, out – breathless stuff. I suppose you could argue it’s a bit boring, but not when you are actually watching it. There’s something very satisfying, albeit a little voyeuristic – you are watching people getting screwed after all.

That’s the first part – after that there’s a big shift in emphasis. Now it’s two blokes doing their thing, on and on and on, from both ends! I don’t know how they keep it up for that long. There is a suggestion that there is going to be some swinging, but I’ve watched it a dozen times and there’s nothing that I would describe as swinging at all. But it isn’t what you could call straight either. There’s one really good bit that I rewind and watch over and over – it involves one of the older participants using the hot spot to get themselves all lathered up. Then this other guy joins in as well. A lot of use of the mouth and finger in that bit – fantastic!

I’d recommend it to anyone, by yourself or maybe even with your partner if you’re so inclined. I’m thinking of inviting some of my mates from the rugby club round next weekend to watch the whole thing. Should be fun.

Jos Buttler one-day call up shocks no-one

Jos (short for Joseph) replaces Ian Bell in the squad. Bell actually had a pretty good one-day tour of India compared to most of his team mates. However, this was largely because he only played in one of the matches. Sadly for him, neither of the runs he scored on that occasion could persuade the selectors to retain him.

Jos though? Jos’s one-day record is mental. Jos’s one-day record makes life easy for selectors. If someone averages 70.57 in one-day cricket and scores 128 runs per 100 balls then he’s probably worth a look.

However, if you’re not sure, you can always send him on an A-tour. England Lions have just played five matches against Sri Lanka A (Lions? Unicorns? Why are the English so fond of naming their teams after animals that don’t live there? It’s disrespectful to otters, chaffinches etc). During that series, Buttler scored 102 off 56 balls, 40 off 34 balls, 119 off 130 balls, 1 off 3 balls and 64 off 31 balls.

Being a selector in this situation is like fancying a pint and having to choose between two doorways. One is open and leads to your favourite pub. The other is bricked-up and you suspect the building used to be an abbattoir.

Why we enjoyed England being thrashed by Pakistan

What about Pakistan, eh? Talk about feisty. They’ve just won a Test match after being bowled out for 99 on the first day. That’s exceptional.

Pakistan seem a really hard team. They’re not too flashy; not too dynamic with the bat; but they fight like a sack of drunk badgers. They’ve handed England a beating the equal of the one they themselves received the last time the two teams met.

No hundreds for England

England’s scores haven’t been quite as low as Pakistan’s in that 2010 series, but the batsmen’s failures have been perhaps more fascinating. We’ve actually really enjoyed these Tests, despite the outcome.

To be honest, we’d have welcomed a couple more matches. We’d like to have seen whether England’s top order could ever have identified both arse and elbow when a spinner’s been bowling. Sadly, the series ends with few high elbows and much high arse.

Have England’s batsmen progressed?

England batsmen v spin has been the main story, but it’s one that now feels fragmented. Spin challenges in Sri Lanka and India will be similar, but the interest here was in seeing how batsmen adapted when repeatedly confronted by the same bowlers.

A great many people have concluded that the batsmen are simply ‘shit’. This is a nice, unequivocal position to take, but misses half the point of Test cricket in our eyes. Compare how the top six have batted in this match with how they batted in the first match and it’s clear they’ve all made changes.

Not one of them has improved enough to be a threat to the opposition, but it would have been interesting to see whether someone could have finally reached three figures were it a longer series. That would have been a triumph in itself. A 4-0 defeat in a five match series would have been a result as well.

We’re not delighted that our expectations were lowered to this extent, but sometimes you just have to adapt.

Azhar Ali has a long way to go and a long time to get there

If Azhar Ali knows that speed equals distance over time, it doesn’t unduly concern him. This is a batsman who will not be rushed.

With a train to catch in ten minutes’ time and the station five minutes from his house, Azhar’s sitting in his dressing gown with a cup of tea and he’s considering taking a shower.

This was only his second hundred, but he twice got into the nineties before his first one. That said, if Azhar’s in the nineties, he’s still bloody miles away from a hundred.

He reminds us of James’s sister. Several childhood cricket games were marred by her obduracy. Again and again we would explain to her that it was in her interest to hit the ball. She maintained that unless the ball was going to hit the stumps, she didn’t have to.

James’s sister was wise beyond her years.

Freaky Friday for England and Pakistan

England and Pakistan seem to have swapped identities at some point in the recent past. Pakistan are all obdurate and professional, while England try to make up for their catastrophic batting with ever more spectacular bowling efforts.

There’s a limit to what the poor bowlers will be able to achieve though. Bowling Pakistan out for 99 in Dubai today, after losing the toss, might prove to be that limit. Yet the batsmen have still struggled to secure a first innings lead.

When faultless bowling isn’t good enough, you can be fairly certain that the team’s sailing on poo-infested waters with no means of propulsion.

So, Eoin Morgan then?

He’s been kind of crap of late and even when he has made runs in Tests, they’ve seemed a bit jousey. However, at the same time, he’s been a pyrotechnic gnarl-dog in one-day internationals and they ain’t ten a penny.

Should England drop him? He’s not the only one to have failed to make runs in this series and he made a hundred not long before. Have we been spoilt by the likes of Strauss, Cook, Prior and Trott, all of whom made tons on Test debut? Are we so impatient we punch the microwave for its tardiness?

Then again, can 15 Tests count as being early days? It’s not what it was, because those matches sit alongside 71 one-day internationals – 71 one-day internationals in which he’s been pretty damn good.

Arguments, counter-arguments, assertions, rebuttals, Ravi Bopara and lists of words. Is there meaning in this post or do all these question marks hint at an arse-prangingly prolonged bout of fence-sitting?

CB40 Final match report

Sam writes:

Saturday morning, late September
Cut price tickets through a friend who is a member
South West Trains and then the Bakerloo
Tesco express for a beer or two

First to the Tavern, then to the Warner
Down to the toilets with a window in the corner
Through which you can look and what sights you can see
While you’re standing with the other members doing a wee

Forgot the suncream, didn’t bring a hat
The Somerset fans love to have a chat
Shut up will you please, the teams are on their way
It’s the last game of the season – Lord’s cup final day.

Opening with a spinner? What a novel thought
Davies gets a stumping and Kieswetter is caught
Crack open the sea salt crisps, this might not last for long
I thought it would be closer, looks like I might be wrong

But wait, look, here’s Jos Buttler – what a funny name
He might be only 21 but he plays a cracking game
He scoops it over fine leg, he cracks another four
What a super innings, you couldn’t ask for more.

We started up a sweepstake on how many they’d get
I’m not a gambling man but I thought I’d have a bet
Turns out my guess was closest, which made me warm inside
And I treated all the losers to a pint of London Pride

Sandwiches at half-time, couldn’t find a bin
Over on the Nursery Ground you could meet Steven Finn
But here they come again and now it’s going to rain
How a bit of water can cause us so much pain

We did a little circuit to keep from getting bored
And soon found out that one of us was taller than Stuart Broad
Then Duckworth and Lewis came along – are they even real?
By this stage we’d all had a few and didn’t know how to feel

So in the end it finished with a strangely muted tone
Surrey seemed quite happy and we headed quickly home
Soggy and out of pocket, but at least we could say
That was the last game of the season – Lord’s cup final day.

Mohsin Khan’s dad qualities

Pakistan had a job to do, but most of the players were just dicking about. Umar Gul was ragging round on his BMX, Mohammad Hafeez was telling naughty jokes and Kamran Akmal was skulking in the shrubbery, encouraging his brothers to smoke cigarettes.

Misbah-ul-Haq was trying to get everybody to concentrate, but they were all ignoring him because he was boring.

Then Mohsin Khan turned up.

Mohsin was carrying a tape measure and a tool kit. More importantly, everyone could instantly tell that he was as sensible as brown bread.

You don’t dick about when there’s a dad there because he’ll bollock you, so everyone got organised, just like he told them to. Secretly, the players were all glad of this. They didn’t really like the chaos; it was just that there had been no-one to stop it.

Pakistan’s coach is to chaos what a fat person is to a slice of cheesecake. He devours it so completely, there’s no sign it was ever there. However, unlike a cheesecake-eating fat person, he has very good reasons for doing what he does. Everything is done for a reason. Everything makes perfect sense.

Mohsin Khan is blessed with the wisdom of the dads.

Australia’s Twenty20 selection policy

Sam writes:

Greetings, King Cricket readers. I would like to share some facts with you. Everyone loves a good fact. Here they come.

• George Bailey is the new captain of Australia’s Twenty20 team
• He is the first player since Dave Gregory in 1877 to be named captain in his first international match in any format
• Dave Gregory was captain in the first ever Test Match
• George Bailey’s career domestic Twenty20 average is 27.6, with a highest score of 60
• George Bailey has scored one Twenty20 half century in the last three seasons
• In his last domestic Twenty20 match Bailey was bowled by Brad Hogg for 4
• On February 6 Brad Hogg will be 41 years old
• Brad Hogg has been recalled to the Australian Twenty20 squad
• Brad Hogg retired from international cricket in 2008

England’s batsmen and spin in the fourth innings

England’s second innings batting card looks a bit binary code, but the truth is they weren’t qualified for this job.

The batsman v bowler duel generally favours the batsman, but the balance can shift towards the bowler due to the pitch, the weather and the match situation. In Abu Dhabi, it seemed to reach a tipping point.

Most of us would agree that it reached that tipping point a little too soon, but it’s not that England had a bad innings; it’s that a fourth innings trial by spin is as alien to their batsmen as Alf.

A major deficiency

There are many different ways of winning Test matches, but setting up a fourth innings spin assault is one of the classic tactics. If your batsmen can’t counter that situation, that’s not so much a chink in your armour as a missing breastplate.

Many people will want to replace one or two of England’s batsmen. That may or may not help, but it won’t resolve the problem. England simply don’t have anyone who can deal with fourth innings spin at the minute – that’s the truth of the matter.

Good spin bowling

England’s best batsmen haven’t deteriorated, they just haven’t encountered good spin bowling in relatively favourable conditions for quite some time.

Pakistan’s spin bowlers aren’t so good that they can rip through sides regardless of the conditions; they’re more like England’s pace attack. They’re disciplined and they make the most of anything that’s in their favour.

England were bowled out for 72 in Abu Dhabi and there were all sorts of decisions which could have gone the opposite way. But it wouldn’t have made a difference and that’s very much the point.

A couple of dismissals might have been given not out on another day, while a couple of not out decisions could easily have been given. The point is that the appeals were coming thick and fast and even allowing for the excitability of Adnan Akmal (who appeals even when there’s a successful forward defensive), they were frequent enough that it was only ever a matter of time.

It was exceptional, remorseless spin bowling against batsmen who had stolen and memorised the answers to a completely different exam. Pakistan were by far the better side.