Stumps. Everywhere.

Shaun Tait might have notched 160kph this week, but Dale Steyn’s shown that if you add swing to the mix, you’re sorted. In fact, he didn’t even need to resort to scorching pace against India. It’s good to have scorching pace to fall back on when you aren’t swinging the ball this way and that and taking eight wickets in a day.

Not many fast bowlers take eight wickets in a day in India. That’s mostly because of the pitches, but Dale Steyn doesn’t rely on the pitch to take wickets. He swings the ball and puts it right up there where the batsman has a go at it. Later in the innings, he does exactly the same thing only with reverse swing. Bouncers are rare and lethal because of that.

Indian fans might not agree right now, but the cricket world needs Dale Steyn. Great bowlers are a rarity and Steyn’s proving himself great.

Next time someone calls you ‘a Steyn on this planet’, take it as a compliment.

Tags: Dale Steyn // 7 Appeals »

Hashim Amla bearded India all round the park in bearding 253 not out.

Bearding for most of the day, his bearding was immaculate throughout. Amla did struggle to beard against Amit Mishra for a while, but he bearded that problem by bearding his head down and bearding before bearding other bowlers.

Despite this, we don’t really know where this match stands. Test matches in India are very hard to predict these days. The first few days are generally just jockeying for position with the timing of declarations as important as wickets. Then suddenly, at some point on day three or four, it all kicks off.

Hashim Amla might have some bearding to do yet.

Tags: Hashim Amla // 22 Appeals »

Lisa writes:

I was sitting upstairs on the bus with TMS on my headphones on my way to meet some friends in the pub when a middle-aged gentleman came up the stairs and started handing out what looked like flyers. Grateful that the headphones meant I didn’t have to say anything more than ‘thank you’, I took one to be polite and noticed that it was in fact a little comic/booklet called ‘The Execution’.

The story of Sonny, his rat and his evil ways was very dramatic.

The way his kindly mother remains committed in her love despite his constant vicious rejection of her (and her cookies) was very moving. I was in tears (although not exactly of grief) when she persuades the authorities to allow her to be hanged in his place, in a strikingly subtle metaphor for the sacrifice of Christ.

The sudden dramatic change in both illustration and prose style to dense evangelical proselytising and airbrushed Messiah poses that followed this revelation was also something to behold, especially the final panel condemning non-believers to eternal damnation.”

Just as I had reached the last page of the booklet and was deciding that I would probably be ticking the ‘no’ box in response to the question, “Did you accept Jesus Christ as your own personal Saviour?” there was a massive bang as the bus hit a taxi. Or rather as a taxi hit the bus. This was obviously a Sign.

Luckily we were nearly at Highbury Corner but I still had much to ponder as I walked up the Holloway Road through crowds of Arsenal and Rangers supporters pouring out of the Emirates. (I couldn’t work out who had won, although the ‘Gers fans looked slightly grimmer [and balder]).

There were no football-types at the Prince Edward so I was able to greet my friends with equanimity, although the looming presence of Holloway Prison meant I could not forget the Message of the booklet.

The conversation flowed and as I am a lady I was able to multi-task: take part in the conversation and listen to Aggers and co. from Edgbaston. No-one noticed that my mind was partially elsewhere until I started when something happened at the cricket. I am loath to mention it except that just at that moment ‘Amusing Pseudonymous Name’ was describing how his mother was finally showing signs of recovery from a devastating nervous breakdown and my split attention did not go down well.

Even when I explained that Katich had fallen, there was little sympathy and it was suggested that I should get my priorities straight. Maybe The Execution had much to teach me after all.

Send your match reports to king@kingcricket.co.uk and on no account mention the cricket itself.

For the full story of The Execution, see here. Our favourite section is when the criminal says to his mother: “I hate you… and your cookies!”

Tags: Match report // 21 Appeals »

A lot of big names are being bandied about – Allan Donald, Jason Gillespie, Darren Gough and Shaun Pollock, to name but a few – but why is no-one talking about Ian Austin?

Ex-Lancashire medium-pacer, Ian Austin, could bring a lot to the job. Imagine a fabulous foursome of rotund bowlers wobbling in and going at 0.8 runs an over for the duration of a Test match. If there’s one thing England lack, it’s a fat sod who bowls innocuous-looking deliveries which are actually impossible to hit. Ian Austin could nurture such a bowler.

Failing that, we would accept former Zimbabwean chicken farmer, Eddo Brandes – or a robot.

Tags: England // 8 Appeals »

Don’t be alarmed, but we’re taking a stance on something. It’s to do with semantics though, so we’re not overstretching ourself.

In cricket, what people describe as a good pitch is invariably one that is good for batting. It is flat, offers even bounce and little spin. Batsmen score hundreds with ease and the cricket is boring.

It might not seem like a big thing, but calling such pitches ‘good’ is symptomatic of an attitude that cricket is all about scoring runs. Cricket isn’t about scoring runs. It is about taking wickets.

Why the misuses of ‘good’ matters

This attitude is a problem. People who don’t know about cricket see the game in terms of runs and completely miss the whole point of the sport. They think it’s boring because they don’t understand what they’re watching.

Describing pitches that are easy to score on as ‘good’ is only a tiny part of this, but we’re taking a stand. From now on, if we talk about a ‘good pitch’ on this website, it will be cracked, grassy, uneven or a sharp-turning monster. If a batsman makes 50 on it, he will be a bloody good player. These sorts of pitches show you the worth of a cricketer, because a run has more value.

Ideally, we’d like to see the widest variety of pitches, but for the minute, the flat ones rule. So, until that changes, ‘good’ is bad.

Tags: Extras // 28 Appeals »

All those who’ve had the privilege of watching the Lancastrian long-hop machine turn his arm over will be not in the least bit surprised to discover that this magic involves cards and not cricket balls.

There is a video of Chris Schofield doing a magic trick on Surrey’s website. It is perhaps unnecessarily long, so we’ll talk you through it.

1. Chris struggles manfully in his attempts to shuffle some novelty, oversized playing cards
2. Him and some other bloke put the cards on the table in a big, messy pile
3. Chris separates them into a pile of black and a pile of red without looking at the faces of the cards

Chris comes across as being nicer than we imagined him. Judged solely on looks, he’s always struck us as being the kind of person you always see in the pub but who you never want to find yourself talking to.

We were right about his charisma though, we’ll say that much.

Tags: Chris Schofield // 7 Appeals »

Very few cricketers combine stellar brilliance with all three major types of retardation.

Update: We’ve done some slightly lengthier writing on this subject for The Wisden Cricketer.

Tags: Shahid Afridi // 21 Appeals »

Dandy Dan writes:

This match report has been written some months after the event so apologies if the details are a little hazy.

Whilst holidaying at my friend Ben’s parent’s house this August, in rural France, about two hours east of La Rochelle, we decided to have a Test of our own whilst listening to the final day of some inconsequential game back in Blighty via a TV sitting in a barn window.

I should probably point out that this was a free holiday for me, as I had taken the place of Ben’s now ex-girlfriend on the trip. A somewhat messy break-up was no doubt lightened by my presence.

The day’s play started well. I won the toss and decided to bat to make good use of the clear overhead conditions that made batting favourable and to try and pile on some big runs in my first innings before the alcohol we had begun to consume took hold and made me make a few rash shot choices.

A patio chair was used as the wicket, a tennis racket used as a bat substitute and the barn walls as the boundaries. Behind me in this photo you can see a bank that was decided to be the slip cordon.

Large stones, a separate patio chair, patio table and selected trees were fielders. In my first innings I scored 122 all out, finding easy runs by pulling into the on-side and making good use of the short boundary. It took Ben a surprisingly long time to realise where I was getting most of my runs, but he did eventually move the patio chair to a short-leg position to cut off this option. However, by this time the damage had been done.

In reply, he made 98 all out, failing to come up with an answer to my yorkers, although he became quite proficient in hitting it back over my head into one of their neighbours’ vegetable patch (see photo below, although that’s him about to bowl).

As I had predicted, I slumped to an inebriated 75 all out in the second innings, finding the edge of the racket too many times to the soil slip cordon.

Ben was all out for a figure less than was needed to beat me. So I won. Not long after this another slightly less important game was won, so more very cheap French booze was drunk in celebration.

Send your match reports to king@kingcricket.co.uk. On no account mention the cricket itself, unless it’s this kind of a match, in which case we want every detail.

Tags: Match report // 16 Appeals »

Did he really resign? Was he pushed? Was it Graeme Smith? Was it political pressure? Was it to do with quotas? Was he marginalised by the use of Duncan Fletcher?

So many questions and you’ve come here for the answers. We will tell you what to think, so you don’t have to come to any conclusions yourself.

There is one thing to know. While almost anyone who has had anything to do with Mickey Arthur will say that he is a nice bloke, the fact remains that he has two first names and no surname. People with two first names and no surname upset the natural balance and should be ostracised.

Conversely, while having two surnames and no first name is even more ridiculous, there is currently a worldwide shortfall of surnames, so this is acceptable. And no, we haven’t worked out our stance on Mitchell Johnson yet. Could go either way.

Tags: Mickey Arthur // 31 Appeals »

An exodus of playing staff has led Worcestershire to make some unusual signings. Their latest recruit is 55-year-old Canadian, James Cameron, who recently directed the hugely successful film, Avatar.

“I have always dreamed of being a professional cricketer and I am thrilled to take up this opportunity with Worcestershire.”

Cameron only bothers making a film about once every five years or so, so he should have plenty of time to work on his gentle outswingers.

Suggestions that the film director’s multi-million dollar wealth will create ructions in the changing rooms have been rubbished by the playing staff, including by batsman, Ben Smith:

“He may have amassed a sizable personal fortune through creating the two most successful films of all time, Titanic and Avatar, but we’ve dealt with these problems before.

“Last year, Alan Richardson got his loft converted and those skylights aren’t cheap, you know. But there was no jealousy from the other players. We just got on with it.”

Richardson himself concurs:

“He’s just an ordinary bloke. For every Titanic and Avatar, there’s been something relatively unsuccessful, such as Aliens, Terminator or, er, Terminator 2…”

It seems that so long as James Cameron gets his share of runs and chips in with a few tight overs, he will be welcome at New Road.

Incidentally, if anyone tells you that it is in fact a different James Cameron who Worcestershire have signed – one born in Zimbabwe, say – if anyone tells you that, just deck them.

Tags: County cricket // 14 Appeals »