South Africa v England, Centurion Test – match report

I hadn’t been feeling terribly well, having been off work for a couple of weeks with an ear infection, but had arranged to meet a couple of friends in London on the afternoon of the first day of the series.

It was very cold. I think it was snowing. I had a green hat on, and a scarf and fingerless mittens. We met under the clock at Waterloo. There were only two of us, so we adjourned to the pub in the station to wait for our third.

It can’t have been long gone 12pm but I decided to have a pint, knowing full well it would lead to a slippery slope.

I soon needed to visit the lavatory, but found the door shut and a security lock fixed to the outside. I turned to leave and an old man sitting in the corner told me the combination. I felt very privileged.

Our third member arrived and the pub began to fill with loud snotty city types on their lunch break. So we left.

One of my friends was developing an interest in mini golf so we headed to Devonshire Square, a temporary mini golf course near Liverpool Street.

A Santastically designed course

We had partaken of different courses a few times before and I’d never been any good, but on this particular day I played an absolute blinder. Everything I hit went in. It was the second greatest sporting moment of my life. The greatest involved a pub in Essex, a pretty girl and some darts. But that’s another story.

After the golf we had some chips in a pub and decided we fancied some football. So off we went to White Hart Lane for Tottenham v Manchester City.

We were a bit early and we wanted more food. We walked up and down White Hart Lane itself looking for an Indian restaurant, but settled in the end for Turkish and then went to the game.

It was still very cold. I think Spurs won 3-0. It wasn’t the most amazing game I’ve ever seen. But it was ok.

Send your match reports to king@kingcricket.co.uk and on no account mention the cricket itself.

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17 Appeals

  1. But who wrote this?

    Whoever it was – well done for bracing the cold.

    What was the combination? Might come in handy if me – or any other readers – find ourselves in similar situations.

    Top match-reporting.

  2. hello it was me.

    king cricket goes away for five minutes and bylines disappear.

    i don’t remember the combination.

    i couldn’t remember it a few minutes after i’d used it.

  3. Take a guess? Then it gives us all a starting point.

    Your subconscious memory will be better than a straight stab in the dark.

    Either that or you’ll give us your pin number.

  4. I reckon it was 1,2,3,4.

    Top match report. I especially liked the report of the Spurs game.

  5. Am transfixed by the Father Christmas and am presuming it is a seasonal erm hole – and as it is general election season is it now a recumbent David Cameron you have to shoot through?

  6. No, a recumbent David Cameron would force your ball to be lost in some kind of warp hole as his head would be lodged firmly up his own arse.

    God I hate that man. I bet he hates cricket.

  7. Okay, the use of Santa in that picture is definitely disturbing.

  8. I’m a bit worried that you were out in the cold all day with an ear infection.

  9. yes the ear infection probably wasn’t improved by the cold. but it was worth it.

    it was indeed a christmas themed course. i believe the course is still there. it probably doesn’t look as good without santa’s arsehole.

  10. Is the nun in the background part of the course or was she on her way to Spurs as well? I’ve heard if you can get some old geezer to let you know the combination, she does a good impression of that Santa up there.

  11. Why are you putting left-handed? Are you left-handed?

    That would explain it.

  12. i am indeed left handed.

    i don’t think it was a left-handed putter though.

    the world of mini golf is not a friend to lefties.

  13. your restraint is admirable, but really, WHY DIDN’T YOU EXPLOIT HIS ASSHOLE?!

  14. The mini golf course inside Sandown pier on the Isle of Wight has left handed putters. If that helps.

  15. A well-known pedant

    April 10, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    D Charlton

    “pin number” is tautologous – personal identification number number.

  16. i like tautologous’s, we dinasaurs have to stick together, we are a dying breed.

    where would we be without free gifts, short summaries etc?

  17. dinasaurs can’t spell, don’t even mention it

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