Tag: Ask the ‘expert’

Ask the ‘expert’: How do you keep your flannels so immaculate?

If you’ve a question for Laurence Elderbrook, email us.

Suave writes:

I would like to ask how he keeps his flannels so immaculate? Being a fellow suave fella, I need to know these things, so I can look impeccable whilst missing a straight one.

While Jo-Fitz asks the same question, adding:

Is this done by his valet/butler or does he have a bespoke professional service?

Over the years I have refined this process to something of an art. I use a three-pronged approach.

(1) Ensure you possess many sets of cream flannels. I would recommend 400 outfits as a bare minimum.

(2) Carry out a thorough recruitment process to ensure you get the right calibre of loyal manservant.

(3) Regularly admonish said loyal manservant to keep him on his toes. Whether it’s warranted or not, a good bellow in a chap’s face builds character. It’s a give-take relationship. Give bellows to the face and take immaculate cream flannels off him each morning.

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Ask the ‘expert’: Should I wait for an apology?

If you’ve a question for Laurence Elderbrook, email us.

CS writes:

May I start this email by telling you how much I admire your restraint.

After being run out by an inferior colleague who failed to make any kind of call, I left the crease (with my dignity preserved, of course) informing my former batting colleague he was a ‘c*nt’.

So I ask, should I wait for an apology or shall I march round to his house and insist on one?

If I need to tell you the answer to that, you won’t get far in this world.

As the old saying goes: ‘You can’t get a grovelling apology without first letting them know how wrong they are.’

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Ask the ‘expert’: Is your genius as admired on civvy street?

As promised, here is the first installment of our new feature where readers ask delusional sociopath, Laurence Elderbrook, whatever question they want and he rambles on about himself for a bit in response.

If you’ve a question for the turgid buffoon, email us.

First up, Lisa:

Is your genius as admired on civvy-street as it is on the field of play? Does your bestial roar work as well in the boardroom as it does in the changing room?

In this age of flimsy paparazzi celebrity it would be cruel not to give us some insight into the life and achievements of Laurence Elderbrook when in bespoke Henry Poole three-piece rather than immaculate cream flannels.

Sometimes the truly exceptional are not appreciated in their own time. Fortunately, I have always made it my business to make each and every person who encounters me entirely aware of the full extent of my genius.

As for my achievements in industry, you should know that a gentleman never lowers himself to working for a living. I spend the majority of my time at my gentleman’s club, drinking gin and engaging in wagers with fellow members, all the while resplendent in my cream flannels.

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