England end up looking a bit fast-medium

Chris Rogers and also the pant incident once again

Chris Rogers did the hard bit. He faced the swing. He faced the fresher bowlers. After that, things all got a bit fast-medium.

Things getting a bit fast-medium is pretty much our worst nightmare when it comes to watching England. We might start using the phrase in other contexts.

“How was dinner?”

“It was… fine…”

“Fine? What does ‘fine’ mean?”

“Well, you know. It was just…”

“What? It was just what?”

“It was just a bit… fast-medium…”

“Get out.”

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the various reviews, England just didn’t create many chances. We expected reverse swing considering the arid conditions over the last month or so, but we didn’t really see it. With this bowling attack, that pretty much leaves England with a bit of fast-medium.

Michael Clarke played well though. Once he was up and running, it was a day of deft cuts and perfect timing. It’s refreshing to see that kind of an innings because that’s not generally how batsmen go about their jobs these days. You feel like you’re seeing something unique and get a real sense that you’re watching someone unusually talented, rather than some sort of factory-produced, gym-built automaton.

For his part, Steve Smith looked awful; really, really hideously bad. We’ve no idea if that means anything with Smith. Some batsman look like smeared dog excrement but still score runs. Then again, he was only facing fast-medium.

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15 Appeals

  1. They should rethink bowling terminologies. Describing bowlers simply as “fast-medium” etc. is getting boring. I suggest the scheme “-“. Thus, Broad would be “Right-arm effeminate fast-medium insipid metrosexual” and Mitchell Johnson would be “Left-arm disproportionate fast useless cunt”.

    • The web-page ate my precious scheme. “Handedness”-“Adjective-1”-“Speed”-“Ability”-“Adjective-2”.

  2. Most baffling comments of the year so far, DC. Well done.

    • Well they would’ve made more sense together. KC’s site doesn’t let us edit comments after we’ve made them.

      But baffling is good, so I win.

  3. As a Kiwi supporter, fast-medium is all we’ve got! That and “dogged”, “workman-like” “honest” etc etc. Could be worse though; at least i’m not Australian.

  4. It was good to see the Rob Key “girth and underpants” incident again this morning, KC.

    A subliminal reminder that we get some real county cricket again for a few days, starting today.

    Medium fast rocks.

  5. indeed… but it didn’t rock the aussie batsmen too much apparently.

    i’m distressingly shallow when it comes to the ashes – couldn’t even bring myself to watch the highlights last night 🙁

  6. Medium-fast (most of the county stuff, especially in the second division e.g. Lancashire) is not the same thing as Fast-medium (e.g. the test stuff or the better bits of Middlesex v Durham starting in a couple of hours time).

    It rocks because you are not induced into putting down your book or suspending your conversation too often. Contrast with Friday at Lord’s a couple of weeks ago, when I ended up spending the afternoon feeling my way through our picnic while simultaneously making sure I watched every ball.

    • King Cricket

      August 2, 2013 at 9:49 am

      We assure you that Lancashire’s second division trundlers can most certainly dissuade people from reading.


    • Supports my point entirely, KC. Indeed, my Essex-suffering friend, Charley the Gent, went to Chelmsford that very day (persuaded against his better judgment by his son). Appartently the match was over before they had even started their picnic.

      So he enjoyed his picnic and reading uninterrupted for the rest of the day. He certainly didn’t need to resort to the unsighted picnic bag fumble.

    • Ah, Unsighted Picnic Bag Fumble. Saw them at the Astoria in ’95.

    • …and there was me thinking that the unsighted picnic bag fumble was a standard defence for a rather sleasy crime.

  7. Declaration!

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