Australia, you have been sherminated

Posted by
< 1 minute read

Ian Bell waves his wand like this and then England win

Well that was – actually, what was that? It’s probably a bit early to be committing to specific words, so let’s not. England have won the Ashes. That’s a functional way of saying it. You can add your own emotions internally. England won every Test in which Ian Bell scored a hundred. Shermination complete.

It was seat of pants airborne travel for the editor working on the Channel 5 highlights show with the fourth day of the fourth Test pushing on past 7pm. Chapeau to them and chapeau to Stuart Broad and Tim Bresnan – the latter taking second billing thanks to a couple of key wickets and some might fine lower-order whoppery in the morning session.

We’re not sure how confident England were that Australia’s middle order would showcase how Simon it is, but that’s kind of what happened after Bresnan’s stemwinder of a delivery dismissed David Warner. The resilience seemed to just drain away as if it had been floating in the toilet bowl waiting for someone to flush.

It’s not all bad news for Australia though. In Rogers, Clarke and Harris, they’ve unearthed some talented young cricketers for the future.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. Well I don’t know about you chaps, but I’m shattered. Good job these Ashes things only come around very two years.


  2. If Bell wants to score another match winning century that gets overshadowed at The Oval, I’d be happy.

    Today tied the overall record up as 31 series wins apiece.

    England haven’t gone unbeaten in an Ashes series in my lifetime.

  3. Rarely can 3-0 have ever felt so misleading.

    Excellent comment about Australia’s series heroes. We know what a good player Clarke is, but Rogers and especially Harris were outstanding in this match. Harris this morning was unplayable. It was only the bowlers who looked comfortable against him, they being unable to even think about hitting it. Brilliant to watch, even for an Englishman.

    And the young guns remain rubbish. Excellent.

  4. I had been feeling a little sorry for the Aussies. It can’t be easy being an Australian supporter right now. But I’ve just read the report of this match in the Sydney Morning Herald. They use the word “cruelled”, as in, “Australia were cruelled at Old Trafford”.

    You deserve everything you get, ignorant heathens! I hope your team loses every match it plays until someone teaches your journalists some English.

  5. I hope no-one around here is being smug or arrogant. Shane Warne doesn’t like those things and his word is the law.

    Speaking of “The Law”, is a comeback by that young stalwart Stuart in the offing at all? You Lanckey types should know.

  6. Chess players often like to say that winning a won game is often the trickiest part. Kudos to England for exploiting Australia’s weakness much better than the Aussies exploited England’s. England are clearly the deserved winners, even though journos would like to debate whether they were worthy or not.

  7. You can mock us all you like but… actually just go ahead.
    This is the worst team we’ve sent over since the 1985 ashes squad. Only four of those made it back for the next series, who in the current squad can you seriously see being there the next time?
    Time to import some South Africans, 4 years should be enough time to get the passports sorted.

    1. All of them will be back, except Clarke, Rogers, Siddle, Harris, (and on the positive side) Watson and Haddin.

      Warner will be captain in 4 years.

    2. Also, like as not Pietersen, Trott, Bell (maybe), Swann, Prior, Anderson and Bresnan (maybe) won’t be playing in 4 years either.

    3. Fascinating as it is to think about the prospective changes to both sides in four years time, the reality is that the Ashes are to be played again this winter in Australia (a potentially more challenging prospect for England IMHO) and then again in the UK in 2015.

      That leaves less time for adapting immigration laws but also perhaps the need for fewer changes in those areas where the squads seek continuity.

  8. Are we taking stock? It definitely feels like we’re taking stock:

    Rogers is a proper batsman for English conditions.

    Warner can play proper cricket, but it looks like a superhuman mental effort for him, as if he were on Countdown.

    Watson is a true all-rounder, in the sense that nobody knows for sure what he’s been picked to do.

    Khawaja has something of Ramprakash about him.

    Clarke is a very good loser. His post-match interviews are honest and magnanimous. It’s as if he’s been born to the role.

    Steve Smith is, and probably always will be.

    Haddin is not worth mentioning.

    Ryan Harris is awesome. There’s no better bowler in English conditions in the world today.

    Mitchell Bird, Jackson Pollock, Koo Starc and the bizarrely-named James Pattinson might only be three people in fact, it’s very hard to tell. And all both of them is – disappointing.

    Nathan Lyon does a difficult job reasonably well, and if he is left alone to just get on with doing it, the returns will err on the side of surprisingly pleasing.

    Darren Lehman’s silk purse business is in difficulty, owing to a poor choice of raw-material supplier.

  9. Look! The Guardian thinks Stuart Broad is Chris Broad.

    Silly old The Guardian.

    1. It genuinely baffles me how many people do this. Even Michael Clarke did it the other day. It really isn’t that hard to work out that the pretty boy seamer in the 2010s is a different person to a miserable git opener in the 1980s.

  10. After Michael Hussey threw his Baggy Green (TM) out of the pram, he appointed Nathan Lyon to lead Australia in their traditional post-victory song, Under The Moon of Love.

    He hasn’t had a chance to yet.

    1. If Rod Marsh had played Honey Ryder, I don’t think Dr No would have been quite as popular. Certainly his first scene would have been…memorable?

    2. His moustache, damp with sea water, drooped slightly. But yet at the same time it glistened – almost shimmered – reflecting just a little of the harsh tropical sun.

      Bond was smitten.

    3. This is obviously some strange usage of the word “erotic” that I hadn’t previously been aware of.

    4. “Look at me,” he breathes, and I stare up into his smouldering gray gaze. It is his Merv gaze – cold, hard and sexy as hell, seven shades of sin in one enticing look. “Tickets please!”.

  11. Every time this Aussie batting line up collapses in a heap is one match closer to Mark Cosgrove playing Test cricket, which is a wonderful thought that I for one am right behind.

    The big thing is that Australia havent actually been that much worse than England this series, and they have still been whumped. You would like to think that England can play better than this, but I fear that Australia probably cannot. I was worried about the return series before this match, but I am now struggling to think of a pitch that the Aussies can possibly prepare that will in any way allow them to score enough runs to win 3 Tests. Perhaps a hardened, ploughed strip where the Tests only last 4 session.

    1. If this were a news site, we would, but the women’s game lacks the pomposity that fuels our form of coverage.

Comments are closed.