Author: King Cricket (page 1 of 351)

Australia win the bloody Ashes

Australia win the damn Ashes (via Southern Stars Twitter)

In shit news, Australia have retained the Ashes. They won the first T20 international to give them a four-point series lead with only four points left to play for.

Test centurion Ellyse Perry was at one point on a hat-trick for Australia as England slipped to 16-4. From there, the tourists did pretty well to make 132-9 – but sadly not well enough when trying to defend it.

Here’s hoping the men can level the Asheses and force some kind of a play-off.

 


When did Kolkata become dibbly-dobbly military-medium paradise?

Wriddiham Saha talks prevailing winds (via BCCI Twitter)

If you were India and had access to a time-and-place machine capable of replacing a nearby patch of land with one from elsewhere and elsewhen, then when and where would you choose to play Sri Lanka at Test cricket?

It’s unlikely that you answered ‘Derby last April’ but that is apparently what the nominally home team decided. There’s been swing and seam aplenty. In a match blighted by rain and bad light, India are 74-5. They’ve been dobbled.

We’ll be watching the rest of this match with interest – if only to see whether any Derbyshire players breach the walls of the portal and inadvertently saunter into Kolkata/the future.


Shaun Marsh is back

Shaun Marsh (public domain by Dave Morton)

It occurs to us that people are far more likely to say “Shaun Marsh is back” than use the contraction “Shaun Marsh’s back” when referring to his return. This rather undermines an excellent joke we were going to make. Never mind. We’re sure we’ll one day get an opportunity to deploy it using someone else’s surname.

In any case, the headline should more accurately read “Shaun Marsh is rumoured to be back” because it’s one of those news stories that’s based on the word of “a source”.  Apparently Tim Paine is also back – utterly bizarre as he hasn’t scored a first-class hundred in over a decade and hardly ever keeps wicket.

Marsh’s inclusion in an Australia team is always welcome from this website’s perspective. We’ve described it as ‘heart-warming’ before now.

The heart-warmth is brought by the innocence and naivety behind such a decision. In the face of all that has happened, these gnarled, wisened selectors still retain extraordinary optimism. It’s rather inspiring.

Like us, you may have something in the back of your mind that says Marsh’s lifelong efforts to try and ensure all his averages remain in the high 30s could end up undermined should he get to play more matches on Australia’s straightforward unchallenging Test pitches.

History disagrees. Marsh’s spectacularly Marshish Test average of 36 from 23 Tests actually drops to 34.23 for his 10 Tests in home conditions.

We’re really looking forward to a spectacular hundred in the first Test followed by extended payment of his duck tax throughout the remainder of the series.


Cricket’s doping crisis hasn’t arrived yet

At the tip of the needle (CC licensed by tschoppi via Flickr)

This week’s edition of The Spin reports that the ICC “stepped up” its dope testing at this year’s Champions Trophy when it started conducting blood tests.

As someone who spends a significant proportion of his working life reading about the shortcomings of even blood testing, the idea that a sport would rely solely on what it could find in athletes’ urine as a testing method seems not too far removed from dunking them in water to see whether they float or asking them to read scripture out loud to see whether they stumble.

Chances are a few people have managed to beat the testers.

There’s a suggestion now that cricket might introduce the Athlete Biological Passport – an electronic record of various biological markers within an individual, tracked over time. This can reveal the effects of doping without detection of the substance (or method) used.

If they do, expect a whole bunch of people to get caught. Huge financial rewards plus lack of any real scrutiny tends to equal a bit of open-minded medical experimentation from a small percentage of athletes.

The Spin goes on to point out that T20 has led to greater emphasis on strength and power. This was a point we made in March last year when it was announced that Andre Russell might face a ban for missing dope tests and the same conclusion is drawn – that baseball provides an obvious rebuttal to the argument that cricket, as a game of skill, isn’t vulnerable to doping.

Cricket is vulnerable, has been for a while, and the authorities are playing catch-up. They aren’t even catching up that quickly. Let’s look at the two most high profile nations.

The Quint reports that in India 138 in-competition tests were carried out in 2016 and just 15 out-of-competition tests. Out of competition is when doping is more likely to take place, as this is when players are in the gym looking to make physical improvements or are recovering from injury.

In the UK, Elizabeth Ammon reports in The Times that 102 in-competition tests were carried out on male cricketers in the 12 months to March this year, plus 28 out-of-competition tests. No tests were carried out on female cricketers.

World Anti-Doping Agency (Wada) figures for 2016 state that 1,164 tests were carried out worldwide. Only 31 of these were out-of-competition tests (this may exclude the India figures above, as the doping agency operating in cricket there has an unusual relationship with Wada).

To put that in context, fencing conducted 1,618 tests, canoeing conducted 4,196 tests and football conducted 33,227 tests. 130 tests were carried out in boules. Road cycling – a discipline with just a few hundred professionals – conducted over 13,000 tests. (It even tests 60-year-olds who finish 95th in amateur races.)

Several other sports undertake similarly half-arsed regimes to cricket, but that doesn’t change the fact that the sport has a sizeable blind spot.

The Spin’s headline “Is cricket a doping-free zone or has anyone been looking hard enough?” is presumably rhetorical. No-one has been looking particularly hard because no-one wants to deal with what they would find.


Joe Root crushes the ‘targeting’ cliché

Joe Root (via Channel 5)

Joe Root has done many great things in international cricket. He launched England’s rebound in 2015 and kicked off the last Ashes with a magnificent hundred later the same summer. Now he’s shone a light on the fundamental bullshittery of ‘targeting’ the opposition’s captain/best batsman.

“I’ve heard a lot of chat about targeting me, in particular,” he said. “That’s always the talk. From our point of view, we’ll be targeting every single one of them – we won’t be singling any one out. To win a Test you’ve got to take 20 wickets.”

If he ploughs through his captaincy stint methodically undermining all of cricket’s clichés, we’ll happily allow him to bat James Vince at three.


Ellyse Perry takes a rare opportunity and makes it very difficult for England to win the Ashes

Tonkage from Perry

Ellyse Perry’s long wait for a Test hundred lasted nine years and seven Tests. If you don’t get too many opportunities, you might as well make any hundred a double – she finished on 213 not out.

The first women’s Test match was between Australia and England in December 1934. This is Test number 139. VVS Laxman got to play in 134 Tests; Alastair Cook has played 147.

The record holder for most Test caps in the women’s game is Janette Brittin, who died in September. She played 27 matches.

Ben Hilfenhaus played 27 Tests. So did Roger Binny. Jason Holder has already played 28.

Scarcity cuts both ways. It means this innings – the seventh Test double by a woman – is really special. It is also likely to leave England mathematically challenged.

Australia were 4-2 up on points before the Test match and will earn four more if they win. There are only six points available for the T20s that follow, so England need to bat out the final day.


Who is Tom Helm?

Tom Helm dismissing someone-or-other at some point (via Twitter)

We experienced a delightful nostalgic moment earlier this week when we read that Tom Helm had narrowly lost out to Tom Curran for an Ashes call-up.

“Who’s Tom Helm?” we thought.

We knew the name, we knew he was a bowler, but it’s been a long, long time since we had so little information at our disposal about a cricketer who was reportedly ‘knocking on the door’ for England selection.

We’ve been writing this site for over a decade now and throughout that time we’ve generally been on top of these things. This year, a family expansion has left us rather more out of the loop than normal, but that only seems to be part of the story.

Helm really does seems to have been residing wherever the hell leftfield is (on the left, we suppose – unless you turn round and face the other way).

He was named in at least a couple of narrowly-missed-out-on-selection articles earlier in the week, but even they emphasised that he didn’t actually play much first-class cricket this year and didn’t do anything too spectacular when he did appear. So how exactly did he make this leap from being unknown to being written about as a likely Ashes squad addition? There’s a full next-cab-off-the-rank interview over at Cricinfo today.

Presumably the cricket media’s been given a steer and presumably we’re no longer a functioning part of that (or maybe we should check our junk mail for press releases).

Anyway, the long and short of it in cliché form is…

  • 6ft4in
  • Insistent line
  • Lively pace

We actually made up the last one, but if a seamer doesn’t demand comment about their bowling speed one way or the other, you can safely commit to ‘lively’.

Ashes selection, if it happens, would be above and beyond what he was aiming for this year. “It was my first full season and I was over the moon to get out the end without being in a cast of some sort.”


A match report from the Eric Hollies stand

Nigel writes (with pictures kindly supplied by Charles):

A group of us, The Heavy Rollers, have been going to Edgbaston for every Test match since the last century. We enjoy our cricket in the peace and relative tranquillity of the Priory Stand or latterly the Raglan.

But in 2008, Charles and I decided to stay an extra day, the Saturday, and try out the Eric Hollies Stand.

Oh dear.

After many hypnosis sessions our experience in the Eric “enter only if prepared to leave any shred of dignity behind” Hollies Stand, has effectively become a blur.

My only recollections were that we took our seats between a hallucination of Amy Winehouses and a company of Storm Troopers, mouthing “WTF?”

We sat rigidly, like a couple who had carelessly wandered in unwittingly to the set of a Fellini film, expecting the Sound of Music singalong. Fair to say we were ill-prepared and quite out of our comfort zone.

Our experiences of the far more sedate Priory Stand, with our proven long-standing mates for back-up in the event of any pre-match conflicts, were a fast-fading memory.

We cast anxious looks at each other offering paltry excuses about getting the first drink in, as it would mean running the gauntlet of personal abuse as we had to politely unseat one Amy after another.

Having watched the treatment handed out to one unsuspecting Smurf, neither of us could face up to what would surely be levelled our way, however witty the discordant chorus.

We stayed thirsty for some considerable time.

As each Amy succumbed to the effects of their alcohol intake, another Storm Trooper would seize the opportunity to challenge a steward: “You effing well dare stop me making the longest beer snake ever.”

This was a once in a lifetime, never to be repeated experience. From now on, I am staying with other benign challenges from my bucket list. Like sky diving or lion-taming.

Send your match reports to king@kingcricket.co.uk. If it’s a professional match, on no account mention the cricket itself. If it’s an amateur match, feel free to go into excruciating detail.


Tom Curran’s haircut

Tom Curran (via ECB)

Tom Curran’s been called into England’s Ashes squad. If you’re wondering why we’ve never really written much about him here at King Cricket, it’s because we don’t like his hair.

This isn’t a proper mainstream media news site. We can do what we like. If we think Tom Curran’s haircut is visual shorthand for evil then we’re probably not going to go out of our way to write things about him.

Here’s a slightly blurry shot of his hair in action. Come on. You must know what we mean.

If we had to sum it up in a word, we’d be forced to invent one. The word would be ‘eurocriminal’.

Curran has been called up because Steven Finn knackered his own knee by accidentally hitting it with a cricket bat.

Now there’s a cricketer you can get behind.


Two hat tricks in one match – has Mitchell Starc peaked too soon?

Sometimes you can’t be bothered sourcing an actual photo and just use something from the archives

We can’t remember the last time we used the phrase ‘peaked too soon’ to refer to anything other than someone we went to school with who hasn’t aged well.

Mitchell Starc took two hat tricks for New South Wales against Western Australia. In the words of Osman Samiuddin, he did an Amin Lakhani.

One hat trick is a lot of hat tricks, so two is a glut. Too soon. Starc will almost certainly be overbowled or injured come The Magellan Ashes (movement rate of all ships is increased by two).

A counterpoint to this is that maybe this run of hat tricks doesn’t quite constitute a peak. Even allowing for their obvious weaknesses, England will hope to put out better batsmen than Jason Behrendorff, David Moody and Simon Mackin in the first Test. Only at the climax of his second hat trick did Starc dismiss an actual batsman – Jono Wells.

Even so, it’s hard to see that any bowler’s got much room for improvement above twin hat tricks, so The Magellan Ashes (movement rate of all ships is increased by two) is basically England’s already.


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