England cricket news

A team with England in its name is going to win

We’re not quite sure what’s going on in Abu Dhabi and we’re not sure we want to know.

England Lions made 96 all out in 28.3 overs. This apparently means that an England XI are chasing 230 in 50 overs.

It is not clear at this stage whether you get four runs for hitting a plant pot or whether that means you are out.

However, we CAN confirm that you can be dismissed off the first delivery you face. Alex Hales explored this avenue with the first ball of the match and was so dissatisfied with the results that no-one else is allowed to use his bat for the rest of the day.

Jos Buttler one-day call up shocks no-one

Jos (short for Joseph) replaces Ian Bell in the squad. Bell actually had a pretty good one-day tour of India compared to most of his team mates. However, this was largely because he only played in one of the matches. Sadly for him, neither of the runs he scored on that occasion could persuade the selectors to retain him.

Jos though? Jos’s one-day record is mental. Jos’s one-day record makes life easy for selectors. If someone averages 70.57 in one-day cricket and scores 128 runs per 100 balls then he’s probably worth a look.

However, if you’re not sure, you can always send him on an A-tour. England Lions have just played five matches against Sri Lanka A (Lions? Unicorns? Why are the English so fond of naming their teams after animals that don’t live there? It’s disrespectful to otters, chaffinches etc). During that series, Buttler scored 102 off 56 balls, 40 off 34 balls, 119 off 130 balls, 1 off 3 balls and 64 off 31 balls.

Being a selector in this situation is like fancying a pint and having to choose between two doorways. One is open and leads to your favourite pub. The other is bricked-up and you suspect the building used to be an abbattoir.

Why we enjoyed England being thrashed by Pakistan

What about Pakistan, eh? Talk about feisty. They’ve just won a Test match after being bowled out for 99 on the first day. That’s exceptional.

Pakistan seem a really hard team. They’re not too flashy; not too dynamic with the bat; but they fight like a sack of drunk badgers. They’ve handed England a beating the equal of the one they themselves received the last time the two teams met.

No hundreds for England

England’s scores haven’t been quite as low as Pakistan’s in that 2010 series, but the batsmen’s failures have been perhaps more fascinating. We’ve actually really enjoyed these Tests, despite the outcome.

To be honest, we’d have welcomed a couple more matches. We’d like to have seen whether England’s top order could ever have identified both arse and elbow when a spinner’s been bowling. Sadly, the series ends with few high elbows and much high arse.

Have England’s batsmen progressed?

England batsmen v spin has been the main story, but it’s one that now feels fragmented. Spin challenges in Sri Lanka and India will be similar, but the interest here was in seeing how batsmen adapted when repeatedly confronted by the same bowlers.

A great many people have concluded that the batsmen are simply ’shit’. This is a nice, unequivocal position to take, but misses half the point of Test cricket in our eyes. Compare how the top six have batted in this match with how they batted in the first match and it’s clear they’ve all made changes.

Not one of them has improved enough to be a threat to the opposition, but it would have been interesting to see whether someone could have finally reached three figures were it a longer series. That would have been a triumph in itself. A 4-0 defeat in a five match series would have been a result as well.

We’re not delighted that our expectations were lowered to this extent, but sometimes you just have to adapt.

Freaky Friday for England and Pakistan

England and Pakistan seem to have swapped identities at some point in the recent past. Pakistan are all obdurate and professional, while England try to make up for their catastrophic batting with ever more spectacular bowling efforts.

There’s a limit to what the poor bowlers will be able to achieve though. Bowling Pakistan out for 99 in Dubai today, after losing the toss, might prove to be that limit. Yet the batsmen have still struggled to secure a first innings lead.

When faultless bowling isn’t good enough, you can be fairly certain that the team’s sailing on poo-infested waters with no means of propulsion.

So, Eoin Morgan then?

He’s been kind of crap of late and even when he has made runs in Tests, they’ve seemed a bit jousey. However, at the same time, he’s been a pyrotechnic gnarl-dog in one-day internationals and they ain’t ten a penny.

Should England drop him? He’s not the only one to have failed to make runs in this series and he made a hundred not long before. Have we been spoilt by the likes of Strauss, Cook, Prior and Trott, all of whom made tons on Test debut? Are we so impatient we punch the microwave for its tardiness?

Then again, can 15 Tests count as being early days? It’s not what it was, because those matches sit alongside 71 one-day internationals – 71 one-day internationals in which he’s been pretty damn good.

Arguments, counter-arguments, assertions, rebuttals, Ravi Bopara and lists of words. Is there meaning in this post or do all these question marks hint at an arse-prangingly prolonged bout of fence-sitting?

England’s batsmen and spin in the fourth innings

England’s second innings batting card looks a bit binary code, but the truth is they weren’t qualified for this job.

The batsman v bowler duel generally favours the batsman, but the balance can shift towards the bowler due to the pitch, the weather and the match situation. In Abu Dhabi, it seemed to reach a tipping point.

Most of us would agree that it reached that tipping point a little too soon, but it’s not that England had a bad innings; it’s that a fourth innings trial by spin is as alien to their batsmen as Alf.

A major deficiency

There are many different ways of winning Test matches, but setting up a fourth innings spin assault is one of the classic tactics. If your batsmen can’t counter that situation, that’s not so much a chink in your armour as a missing breastplate.

Many people will want to replace one or two of England’s batsmen. That may or may not help, but it won’t resolve the problem. England simply don’t have anyone who can deal with fourth innings spin at the minute – that’s the truth of the matter.

Good spin bowling

England’s best batsmen haven’t deteriorated, they just haven’t encountered good spin bowling in relatively favourable conditions for quite some time.

Pakistan’s spin bowlers aren’t so good that they can rip through sides regardless of the conditions; they’re more like England’s pace attack. They’re disciplined and they make the most of anything that’s in their favour.

England were bowled out for 72 in Abu Dhabi and there were all sorts of decisions which could have gone the opposite way. But it wouldn’t have made a difference and that’s very much the point.

A couple of dismissals might have been given not out on another day, while a couple of not out decisions could easily have been given. The point is that the appeals were coming thick and fast and even allowing for the excitability of Adnan Akmal (who appeals even when there’s a successful forward defensive), they were frequent enough that it was only ever a matter of time.

It was exceptional, remorseless spin bowling against batsmen who had stolen and memorised the answers to a completely different exam. Pakistan were by far the better side.

Monty Panesar has played one Test X times

This statement was made my Shane Warne. He famously said that Monty Panesar hadn’t played X Tests but one Test X number of times. This is accepted as great insight all too readily.

It’s a nice catchy soundbite and it’s from Shane Warne, but does it really have much merit? It seems to rely on this notion that spin bowlers have to be wily and full of mystery, but as far as we can tell Monty was winning England a lot of matches doing things his way. There’s no harm in looking to improve, but Monty is sometimes ridiculed and belittled despite a Test record that would be the envy of most spin bowlers.

Imran Khan never said that Glenn McGrath hadn’t played 124 Tests, but one Test 124 times. Dennis Lillee never said that Shaun Pollock hadn’t played 108 Tests, but one Test 108 times. There’s more than one way to take wickets, no matter what your style of bowling.

Ian Salisbury played several different Tests.

Today’s image was taken by Sarah Ansell and indeed most of the images we will be using from now on will have been taken by Sarah Ansell. She and her photos can be found at www.sarahcanterbury.com. Get in touch with her if you wish to republish one.

Monty Panesar’s back

As in ‘returned’. He hasn’t got ankylosing spondylitis or anything.

It may not be the first time we’ve made that joke – it may not be the first time we’ve made that joke about Monty Panesar – but come on. Some events warrant special attention.

So what are the pros and cons of Monty Panesar being in England’s XI for the second Test in Abu Dhabi?

Pros

Monty Panesar is playing.

Cons

None.

So there you go, it’s a 100 per cent brilliant decision with no downside.

Pakistan secure narrow win over England

Pakistan held their nerve throughout a challenging 15-run chase on a mostly lifeless day three pitch and secured a narrow 10-wicket win over a thoroughly professional England side.

England kept it tight and the pressure built, but with one eye on the clock, Mohammad Hafeez and Taufeeq Umar timed their charge to perfection. On the strength of that second innings effort, we can state with a degree of conviction that Pakistan were probably the better side.

But still, while Pakistan walk away with an actual win, England can pride themselves on earning a moral victory through forcing two of their opponents to bat twice. A moral victory is worth more than an actual victory, because morality is what separates us from murderers, bankers and people who work in marketing.

Bring forth the dobble

Paul Collingwood’s bowling was always a bit too canny to be proper dibbly dobbly medium-pace. There were too many cutters; too much innovation. You don’t get any of that crap from Jonathan Trott.

England’s four bowler policy means the batsmen have to chip in with a few overs. Ravi Bopara’s steady when he plays. Kevin Pietersen’s nicely erratic. Jonathan Trott dobbles. It’s good to see.

Dobbling is a much underrated trade. People think it’s boring because it’s neither pace nor spin, but the true cricket connoisseur cherishes the dobbler. The fielders move in front of the bat and in your mind’s eye they become plant pots and dustbins – the fielders of your childhood – as the cricket regresses to something altogether more basic.

Trott even got a wicket – LBW; a proper dobbler’s mode of dismissal. Only the elicitation of a spooned shot to cover represents a greater execution of dobblage.