Mark Greatbatch assesses New Zealand’s performance in Bangladesh

Richard Hadlee was probably New Zealand’s greatest ever player, so I’m not sure what point he is making here.

You weren’t listening properly, Bert.

Did he say they played like Dicks?

No. He said they played like dicks.

Unclog your ears, man.

If I’d actually been listening to him speak I’m sure I would have been able to tell the difference. But I’ve only got your transcript to go on. How on earth am I supposed to tell the difference between upper case and lower case just from the written version?

Read it out loud.

Surely you mean that he didn’t say, “they played like Dick’s”.

Dick’s what?

That’s what I don’t want to know.

Right! Fucking brilliant idea, KC. I tried it several times – now you tell me this: How am I supposed to get to Dundee now I’ve been thrown off the train?

That’s totally unfair. Make your case to the railway police.

Maybe write down the phrase for them so that they can see what you REALLY meant.

REALLY!

REALLY!

Don’t start talking to me in italics! It’s you who got me into this mess in the first place with your wilfully ambiguous typography.

And how is some Scottish copper going to know who Mark Greatbatch is, eh? I’ll tell you how. They don’t, that’s how. Not even when I spell it for them in capitals. £30 fixed penalty fine for offensive behaviour on public transport, and I now have to find a hotel room in the West Lothian area. And that won’t be cheap either – £10 at least! I wish I’d never heard of Richard tossing Hadlee.

We thought everyone had heard of Mark Greatbatch. He played for New Zealand. He’s famous.

No-one could have gone through life without having heard of him. That’s mental.

At last – King Cricket has its own West Lothian question.

And I’m sure that your intervention, Bert, in at least one down at heel West Lothian town, could help to mend the place.

You’ll doctor Livingston, I presume, Bert.

Perhaps he meant Julian Dicks?

i always got confused between julian dicks and paul dickov.

there, i said it.

Italics? I just got CAPITALS.

Excellent Scottish joke btw Ged

I have called all of the British Railway Companies and, to a man, they confirm you can says dicks at often and as loudly as you like as you like unless other passengers complain

if you listened properly when you read it aloud you should have heard: “we played like ducks”

And we all know what “ducks” is an euphemism for. Ducking A.

Come on, Ceci. Give a man a break. Standing in the pissing rain looking for a B&B, it’s not easy to hear the difference between italics and capitals. Anyway, you’ll be glad to know that I’ve finally made it to Dundee, albeit £38.50 lighter, and with no further run-ins with the constabulary. Lesson learned, though. No more crap jokes based on vague puns for me. You’d do well to take notice, Ged.

Ah, straight and to the point…