2,000th Test match report

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Our mum writes:

As a thank you to KC’s dad for the loan of his DIY skills, a friend gave us two tickets for this historic day.

There is nothing like a day in the members’ stand at Lord’s to make one feel young. We must have considerably reduced the average age, and as a female I felt like a collector’s item. We had excellent seats in the second row and evidently a streaker or pitch invasion from our stand was considered unlikely as there were no stewards deployed in front of us.

The tickets stipulated ‘dress regulations apply’. This seemed to mean ‘wear mainly garments of clashing red and yellow stripes’. Fortunately KC’s dad’s polo shirt was deemed acceptable, as he has only worn a tie three times since he retired – one wedding and two funerals.

We thought we had a decent picnic. I particularly enjoyed being able to take in a chilled bottle of sauvignon blanc. However the party of eight gentlemen to my right worked steadily through a four-course repast, with accompanying beverages, including a choice of chocolate mousse or cherry clafoutis for pudding – most had both. The waste bin near us was full of empty champagne bottles by noon. Fuller’s London Pride at £3 a pint went down very well, whereas a short walk at lunchtime revealed that the hoi polloi were paying £4.20 a pint for smoothflow – no real ale available to them.

Rain stopped play at 4pm but nobody seemed to mind and I presume the carousing continued until long after we left at 6pm.

You will notice that this is a return to the original format of KC match reports – not entirely unconnected to the fact that not a great deal happened on the field of play.


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  1. God bless you ma’m!

    Nothing like the King Mother to raise your spirits when all around feels like a weird mix of summer and autumn. Top reporting. Particularly the picnic details.

  2. Beggin’ yer pardon, your royal highness, ma’am, but I thought your reference to play ending at 16:00 was a little close to the bone, actual cricket-wise.

    I was there that very day meself, ma’am, but down the hoi poloi end quaffing new world riesling and rioja. Champagne and stuff is not for the likes of us West London guttersnipes, ma’am. But we’re still far too canny to drink gnats pee at £4.20 a pint.

  3. I imagined this match report being said in the voice of the Mum from “Shaun of the Dead” and it was great.

  4. My first thought when seeing the title was ‘surely there haven’t been that many match reports?’

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