Australia have found the new Warne

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< 1 minute read

South Australia off-spinner, Nathan Lyon, has been called up to the Australia Test squad after just four first-class matches.

Can we be the first to brand him ‘the next Shane Warne’? You have to get that in early with your Aussie spinners these days, what with the rapid turnover and all.

Despite this, you’ll note that we’ve opted not to add a new ‘Nathan Lyon’ category to the site. Even though we have absolute conviction that he will go on to become one of the all-time greats of the game, we can’t just continue adding categories every time Australia pick a new spinner – site structure would quickly get out of hand.

Andrew Hilditch used his “X may be a surprise selection, but he impressed all who have seen him in the last year” speech when announcing Lyon’s selection. He did well to remember to replace the X with a name and even better to remember he was back at ‘Nathan’ after ‘Xavier’, ‘Michael’ and ‘Jason’.

Update: Australian spinners given Cricket Australia contracts this year: Doherty, Hauritz, Krejza and Smith. Australian spinners in the Test squad for the Sri Lanka tour: Nathan Lyon and Michael Beer.

We’re starting to think that Australian spin selection is actually a very complex post-modern joke.

Fine by us.


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  1. How dare you slag off Hilditch’s little moments of PR puff as the latest subject of future derision is wheeled out?

    I find them far and away the most interesting things in Aus cricket. Hilditch’s little screeds, not the subject. Luckily for me. I like how he still isn’t bored with this repetitious stuff he trots out. Game as a monkey, old Hildy.

  2. Shane Watson
    Phillip Hughes
    Ricky Ponting (sacked capt)
    Michael Clarke (capt)
    Michael Hussey
    Usman Khawaja
    Shaun Marsh
    Brad Haddin (wk)
    Mitchell Johnson
    Ryan Harris
    Peter Siddle
    Trent Copeland
    James Pattinson
    Nathan Lyon
    Michael Beer

    Am I alone in thinking that the biggest risks in all that are Ponting and Clarke?

    Yes, I am. The biggest risk is of course Mitchell “Biggest Risk” Johnson.

    Oh, and I suppose there’s Phillip “Bigger Risk Than Johnson” Hughes.

    I’m just sad that Malinga won’t be playing in the tests, because I really, really wanted to see how Hughes would play his only shot, the cut, against fast yorkers.

    Anyway, I’m off to put a double on Watson having a series average of 50 and a high score of 51.

    1. It is just exhausting reading the things he says. Imagine being around someone who spoke like that all the time? How does he maintain it? Where do you learn to do that? How do you force all the conventional, sensible rules of language out of your head in the first place?

      That said, we’re happy to take the following out of context:

      “Matthew Hayden will be first in the queue to be a private investor in the Heat” – Matthew Hayden

    2. Extraordinary amount of ‘investment’ and even an ‘uninvestment’ going on in those Hayden quotes. Also I notice, apparently John Buchanan wanted to become ‘redundant’ in his role as coach. Bet his wife was happy he was aiming so high.

    3. Got to say I’m surprised you went with the by now expected debacle over Aussie spin selection when there were vintage Haydenisms afoot.
      The full quote off his website is even less readable and features gems such as “I believe now is the time to start turning up the Heat, offering a competitive proposal to families and fans to engage in three hours of velocity, vibe and impact”
      You couldn’t make this stuff up.

  3. Shane Warne used to say Buchanan is useless, Hayden says Buchanan deliberately became useless.. Interesting

    1. And that his (Hayden’s) ambition is to become useless. Dreams do come true.

  4. I think that this guy spins it the wrong way. Maybe he should move to Sri Lanka and become the next Muralitharan. Rather than the next expendable post-Warne Australian bowler. He’s still going to be hated by the Aussies in any case, so he may as well get in a successful career while he’s at it.

    1. Bah! Talk about taking it out of context. The full phrase is “a leisure-tainment and entertainment package”, which if you think about it, makes sense what with all the mums and all, and given the Ashes are a far distance away, the Heat paves a way for a sensible cricko-centric environment, which really is the entire point. The project evolves itself, without relation to anything external. The potential for it to realize full capacity is almost as thwarted by our negligence to recognize its worth as it is by our own sense of incomprehensibility of it all.

    2. It wasn’t just leisure-tainment. On his website he coins the word “critainment”. In it’s full context:
      “T20 brings a new energy to the sporting landscape in a space I refer to as ‘critainment’.”
      What did the english language ever do to him for him to try and hurt it so badly at every opportunity? Was he harmed by an errant noun as a small child?
      If Kant had lived long enough to witness this tragedy he no doubt would have said:
      “He who is cruel to language becomes hard also in his dealings with men. We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of language.”
      Surely some sort of charges could be laid against Hayden for this ongoing abuse?

    3. Hayden wasn’t respectful to cricket balls either.

      He’s just an oaf but he’s history now so let’s all move on.

  5. From his own website (therefore written by the oaf himself – nobody else could bring themselves to do it), and without any omitted paragraphs:

    “Hayden played 103 Tests, scoring 8625 runs at an average of 50.73, including 30 centuries.

    The KFC T20 Big Bash League is the latest evolvement in domestic T20 cricket. It contains eight new teams with new, city-based identities.”

    Firstly, if anyone wants to fully understand the difference between sport and crictainment, it is right there in those two paragraphs.

    And secondly, if he thinks this shi-tainment is the real deal, how come he quotes his test match figures and not his Tena Lady T20 Super Bash Pogo Cricket figures?

    And thirdly, can someone arrange to have him shot? At one point he uses the collection of letters “evolvement”. Actually, rather than have him shot, maybe someone can explain to him that putting -ment on the end of any verb you think of is not the same as communication (communicatement?). Then have him shot.

    1. Bert, I think you’ve missed the point. Crictainment is not playing cricket. It’s talking nonsensically about cricket. It’s a new game, similar to Mallet’s Mallet.

      Play goes back and forth between two contestants who have to come up with a sentence about cricket. The loser is the person that correctly constructs a sentence first. Matthew Hayden (wearing a microphone on his head, in the style of the Simpson’s Gentle Ben then bashes them on the head with a cricket bat in the name of Jesus.

  6. I have signed you all up for his newsletter.

    No need to thank me, it was my pleasure.

  7. Not sure if this is a gee up, but according to Rodney Hogg, this is how Lyon came up for selection (by the way Lyon worked as a groundsman at Adelaide Oval prior to his elevation as ‘the next Warne’).

    See his tweet from yesterday (28 Jul)

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