Exclusive celeb gossip scoop

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< 1 minute read

A secret source writes:

I thought this might interest you. It’s just like the 3am Girls in The Mirror, only with better grammar and more discussion about the state of County Championship wickets than they normally have.

Overheard at the gym at the weekend – a regular first-team Lancashire player chatting to some bloke. He was saying that there is a debate at Lancs about whether they need to do something about the pitch at Old Trafford. The idea is that the 75 championship-free years were largely a consequence of a lack of results on a flat, true (albeit fast) wicket, and that it was no coincidence that when Lancs won the title they played all their home matches at Aigburth. The flip side of the debate was, according to the player in question, that Lancs’ batsmen are so rubbish they need a good wicket not to look like idiots.

There is something to this. As a Test match wicket, Old Trafford is superb, and a result pitch more often than not. But, and again from the lips of this mystery player, to get a result you need three or four Test quality bowlers. Ordinary county bowlers can’t extract enough wickets, and have a day fewer in which to do it.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. This story is implausible, because no such conversation could ever take place about Lancashire CCC’s lack of success without mention of the weather – specifically the propensity for it to rain in Manchester between April and September.

    (It also rains between October and March of course, but that has little impact on Lancashire CCC’s fortunes.)

    …and I still have not come across a chance to try throdkin anywhere – perhaps one of you Lanckeys would be so kind as to stick some in an envelope and post it to me.

  2. Whatever next! An “open letter” to Monty Panesar about his self destructive tendancies?

    1. Obviously I meant tendencies.

      “Tendancies” is the number of danced appeals Monty makes in a six ball over.

  3. Careful King, I’m sure this sort of thing is about to be banned by Leveson. The establishment won’t put up with high-class investigative journalism of this calibre.

    But in any case, I suspect the debate at Lancs might go something like this:

    – So when we won the County Championship, how much extra revenue did that generate?
    – Have you missed some noughts off that?
    – Right. Are you sure you’ve included everything, even those “Up Yours Yorkshire” T-shirts we had in the shop?
    – I see. Bloody hell.
    – So looking at these tables you’ve given me, we make more money from a test match.
    – Oh, that’s only one day of a test match!
    – Sorry, I’m not very good with numbers. Are you saying that’s just from food and drink sales on one day of a test match?
    – Ah, one session’s profit on meat and potato pies sales. I think we’re close to a decision here people.

    1. mmmrrrroooowwwwrrrr!

      getting off-topic for a minute: 99 all out! now that’s more like the pakistan side we know and love. and let’s be clear about this, after a seven-wicket victory, was this new development not kind of predictable? for once..?

    2. We can debate whether this was or wasn’t predictable until the cows come home.

      What time do the cows come home? We may need longer.

    3. It was an outstanding double bluff. We were expecting them to do the expected as the unexpected was expected. No-one expected they’d do the unexpected by unexpectedly doing the expected unexpected. In hindsight that really should have been expected.

  4. Cracking celeb gossip Oh King, why didn’t you ask about a section like this in your recent Customer Survey?

    Of course, the idea that Lancashire didn’t win for 75 years because of their pitch is as ridiculous as the notion that Atherton wouldn’t have been as good as Dravid, had the opposition bowlers not been so darned good.

  5. This just in! Simon Kerrigan eats Findus Crispy Pancakes (I’ve been going through his bins).

  6. Kerrigan is already working on his fitness levels for next summer and pondering whether to jet off to Australia to keep his spinning fingers supple by playing competitive cricket Down Under.

    He has also been advised to change his eating habits – and that means no more Big Macs.

    “My diet was really poor when I first joined Lancashire, but they are trying to change that to give me some extra energy.

    “I used to like the odd burger, but no more. They are knocked on the head completely.

    1. On a related note, as I’m sure the King is aware, the Windies are in town (as in where I live). On Monday night I became aware that they would be having a light training session (to supplement their shopping trips and visits to theme parks) the next morning at a certain location.

      My six year old son is a huge fan of Chris Gayle, and would be thrilled to see him, let alone meet him. He’d actually be thrilled to meet any International cricketer. The slight problem was that this was the alternate Tuesday on which I must do certain things to ensure that individuals are paid their wages on the following day. His father was also required at his office. Even his grandfather taking him was out of the question, as my mum was in hospital. (She’s on the mend and will be out soon.)

      Those of you who follow West Indies cricketers on Twitter (King included) will know that they also signed autographs and mingled with fans on Tuesday morning. This would have been probably the only chance my son would ever have to meet members of an International cricket side, let alone meet his favourite player. 🙁

      It was slightly mitigated by a reply and RT from the big man himself, and knowing that he saw this photo of my son holding the “Go Jamaica Tallawahs” sign he made for the CPL final. Yes, the “C.G.” on the sign is for Chris Gayle, who is bowling and taking a wicket. My son would be thrilled to know he saw the sign, not so thrilled to find out that he missed out on a chance to see him. 🙁 Linky below. Sorry for a depressing reply.


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