County Championship latest – raised voices outside

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< 1 minute read

We’re committed to documenting the effects of the climax of the County Championship, but we’re really starting to fear for our life now.

Last night, we heard screaming outside our house. It was these two girls and they were having a MAJOR disagreement. They were so shrieky, we could only really catch fragments of what was being said, but it was always ‘he did this’ or ‘he did that’. Clearly, they both had really strong feelings about some bloke.

This morning, when we went outside, one of the wheelie bins was out of position, almost as if a girl-shaped object had been thrown into it by someone who was in a blind rage.

There is one very obvious conclusion that can be reached about what happened.

These two girls were debating whether the stronger suit of Lancashire all-rounder Tom Smith was his batting or his bowling. Things always get out of hand when you touch on that subject, but it’s hard to avoid when he’s just scored 63 against Hampshire.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. 12 runs needed from 16 balls for that last batting point – one wicket remaining. This is Edgbastonian levels of tension.

    But wait, oh no! It’s all over. Keedy, Keedy – why, why, why? Oh pain, oh misery.

    Still, no play in grim Birmingham yet today. The sun only ever shines on the righteous.

  2. A wise man (or was it Nasser Hussain) once said that you need to take 20 wickets to win a first class match.

    Where is Tom Smith the bowler when his county calls?

    As for the screaming harpies – DON’T calm down, dears, it IS the climax of the County Championship. Nothing “only” about that.

  3. In other news, couldn’t Australia have been shit for just a little bit longer? It was a good time. A sweet time.

  4. Warwickshire are on 548 for 6 now, having scored 220 runs since lunch. Clearly they are playing for the draw, having not realised that they lose 13 points by not actually winning the match. The fools.

    Meanwhile, Lancs victory charge is being spearheaded by Keedy and Kerrigan, who have literally smashed through the Hampshire top order like a Salford youth at Foot Locker. A Lancs championship seems inevitable now.

  5. I see there is play in Brum, sadly for you Lancastrians. Even worse, Rikki Clarkkke seems to be in the runs. Is there anything worse in the County game than opening a scorecard and finding smug success for Clarke lies therein?

  6. The excitement has spread to King Cricket. This is worrying and we’re disappointed in you all.

    [Punches air as Gary ‘Galley’ Keedy dismisses Neil ‘Ceiling-Bat’ McKenzie].

    1. That’s exactly the kind of “won’t do” attitude that will keep this nation safe at this troubling time.

    2. I want to be part of the crowd that doesn’t care about the county championship. Sadly, I know next to nothing about the counties or the players, which makes it hard to declare my disinterest in a knowledgeable fashion.

  7. In all fairness, I only don’t care about the County Championship because my county doesn’t appear to either.

  8. Breakfast time and it is deathly quiet here in London W2.

    Two days of rain in Cardiff has really taken the wind out of the sails here in the Middlesex-supporting heartlands.

    Last night I heard some neighbours chatting on the stairs. “We might just as well live in and support Lancashire”, they might well have been saying.

  9. We have four Russians from a Russian Design Institute visting the office at the moment. Their excuse for the visit was technical clarifications on a gas plant fire fighting system, but we all know they just wanted to be in England at this special time.
    It is turning into a perfect storm for the Yorkshire Exile in London. Yorkshire look certain for the drop, but the consolation of at least being able to pop over to Lords after work to watch them next season looks certain to be dashed by Middlesex inconsiderately getting promoted.

    1. “It is turning into a perfect storm for the Yorkshire Exile in London.”

      And don’t forget that your erstwhile neighbours and arch rivals Lancashire are cruising towards their ninth title win in only 114 years. Don’t forget that, whatever you do.

    2. Ninth in 114 years actually sounds like a fair number. Particularly when you consider recent form.

      ‘Recent’ meaning over the last 70 years or so.

    3. It has certainly been a dip in championship form, these last 70 years, that’s for sure.

      But, as with all temporary dips in form, it is sure to come to an end sometime. And that means that logically speaking Lancashire cannot fail to win the championship this season. It stands to reason.

  10. Apparently there is some sort of rugby tournament happening in In Zid.

    My boss says he’s going to put the office telly on when it starts.

    I am going to stage a silent protest by watching the county scores on Cricinfo.

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