How are South Africa faring as they begin their tour?

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We’ll give them one thing: they got into the middle. That’s no mean feat this summer.

Other than that, things were as rosy as wet cardboard. They conceded 312-8 against Somerset, despite dismissing Nick Compton for a duck. (His presence might have slowed the run rate a tad, actually). They also lost Mark Boucher who got a bail in the eye and is currently undergoing surgery.

We spoke to Paul Downton once. He had to retire from cricket after being hit in the eye by a bail. We’ve always felt that’s a pretty horrible way to end your career. We didn’t speak to him about that though. We spoke to him about posh boys retiring from cricket for no real reason other than to go and have a career in “business”.

So if we do have an insight to give you regarding this, it’s that Paul Downton’s a nice bloke. Also, they seem to have stopped selling ‘ham trim’ in Tesco, which is a bit of a blow.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


    1. Derek Randall and Hopkirk, Deceased
      Chris Old Grey Whistle Test
      Angus Frasier
      David Saphire and Steele
      Adam and Ben (that is, the Hollioakes)

    2. We’re slightly ashamed to say we couldn’t think of one for Hollyoaks. The best we got was Eric Hollies-oaks.

    3. I believe Bert has all possible things relating to cricketers’ names already written up and all he has to do is look up the corresponding excel sheet for the category of the day.

      Rumpelstiltskin would’ve never bet against Bert.

    1. Kallis did have the look of a man who knew he was going to have to grab a spade to bury the body.
      Dammit I was looking forward to the two BEST teams in the world going at it. Much like Mark himself it’s doubtful we will see that now.
      Never mind his career, I hope he can at least retain sight in that eye.

  1. Dickie Birds of a Feather

    Dalziel and Len Pascoe

    Mark Burgerac

    Vernon Royle Family (thanks wikipedia!)

  2. The Chris Addams Family
    Juliet Dwayne Bravo
    Walker, Texas Ranji
    Goodness Gracious Meaker

  3. Ray Price is Right
    Omar Henry the Fourth Part One
    Viv Richards the Second
    Collis King Lear
    Sherwin Campbell-wick Green
    Victor Trumper-ton (or maybe Harvey Trump-ton)
    Monty Panesar’s Flying Circus

  4. Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Chris Silverwood
    Emmerdale Steyn
    Devon Malcolm in the Middle
    Tonight with Andrew McDonald
    Dancing On Clive Rice
    The Tony Frost Report
    A Question of Speight

    1. I think you get bonus points for getting Martin Speight in there.

      The Bill Athey
      Farokh “Extreme” Engineer-ing

  5. Ready Steady Alastair Cook
    The Weakest Hick
    Will and WG Grace
    The Bailey Show
    Home and Tavare
    Button Boon
    Father Fred
    Allan Border Patrol
    How Clean Is Your Strauss

  6. Nixon of Dock Green
    To the Manor Warne
    Luke Wright to Candleford
    Who Wants To Be AB De Villiers-aire?
    The Gower
    The Sky at Nick Knight
    One Born Geoffrey Minute
    Kim Hughes Line Is It Anyway?
    Batman and Robin Smith
    Agnews at Ten
    The Darling Buds of Tim May
    The Brian (McMillan), The Mitch (Johnson) and the Ian Ward-robe

    Oh God. What am I doing with my life?

  7. One Trueman and his dog
    Black Hadd-er-lee
    Monarch of the Glenn McGrath
    Willis and Edward
    Gough-ford Park
    Fraggle Proctor
    News at Tendulkar
    The adventures of Ian AusTintin
    Lassie-th Malinga

  8. Hey KC – can we have Johnson Watch back please? He’s been doing that thing that sportsmen confuse for communicating.

    In literary terms, he’s developed a significant new style – combining stream-of-consciousness with fantasy. He now knows where his head is (but not his front foot). He knows where he’s going (but not the ball).

    Anyway, best of luck with reading it.

    1. He’s a man who thinks he learns from his mistakes. Maybe he does, but then he just keeps on drawing from his bottomless well of new mistakes.

      He’s really trying.

  9. Jardiners World
    Auf Wiedesehen, Pettini
    Scott Newmanimal
    Babes in the Larwood
    Smack the Tony Piggott

  10. Not the Xavier Doherty Show
    Stuart MacGilligan’s Island
    Brush Stokes
    It Ain’t Half Boycott, Mum

  11. How I Met Fairbrother
    The Bobby Simpsons
    Antiques Broadshow
    Merv Dillon, She Wrote
    Have I Got Seymour Nurse For You

  12. Twose Company
    LA Wagh
    Loudon’s Burning
    Diagnosis Murtagh
    Martin Love Thy Neighbour
    Till Death Us Do Parks
    The Imaginatively Titled Punter and Denness Show
    Only When I Laraugh

  13. Balls of Steele
    Hell’s Mervyn Kitchen
    BBC Loudon News
    The Man from UNKLE Sanath
    Aqua Teen Hunger Thorpe
    The Hick of It
    Men Behaving Hadlee
    Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy

  14. Fawlty Gowers
    Ugly Batty
    Strictly Come Harbajhan Singh
    Not Going Grout
    Topley Gear
    Don’t Trust the Mitch in Apartment 23
    The Big Sangakarra Theory
    A Place in the Sunil Gavaskar
    Come Dine With Lee
    Who Wants To Be a Muralillionaire?
    Charlie Shrek: The Next Generation
    Cameron Cuffy the Vampire Slayer
    ‘Allott ‘Allott!
    Gladstone Smallville

  15. Teenage Mutant Ninja Murtaghs
    The Fresh Ashwell Prince of Ian Bell Air
    Mike Powell Rangers
    Reon King Bad
    They Think It’s All Javed Omar
    Caddick and Dom in Da Bungalow
    Friday Night Jayawar-Dinner
    Why Don’t Younis?
    One Inzimam and his Dog
    Homes Under the Aamer Sohail
    Mr Suleiman Benn
    Atapattu’s Company
    Stanford and Son

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