How Adam Zampa and Marcus Stoinis are pissing away the great legacy of David Boon

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If Australian cricket is respected for anything, it is respected for that time David Boon skulled 52 beers on a flight from Sydney to London before the 1989 Ashes (supposedly). If Boon could see the state of modern Australia now (and was also dead or buried alive) he would be turning in his grave.

Fortunately, David Boon cannot see the state of modern Australia because he is a match referee and so his relentless travel schedule has almost certainly indirectly resulted in permanent alcohol blindness.

If Boon could see, and he looked at the Australia cricket team, what he’d see would be an awful lot of overly-serious coffee-drinking.

“JL calls me The Love Café, because I’ve told him the most important ingredient is love. Which is true.”

Adam Zampa

Adam Zampa and Marcus Stoinis are coffee wankers. This is not necessarily meant as a criticism. It’s just the truth.

We’ve mentioned this before (when writing about how Eoin Morgan had never had coffee): we reckon coffee hipsters obsess over the drink precisely because it doesn’t matter.

This view is rather backed up by the heart-warming/creepy story of Zampa and Stoinis and how they like to drink coffee together while talking about coffee.

Coffee wankerdom is pretty easy to diagnose.

If a person makes a coffee and you can answer ‘yes’ to the following three questions, then that person is definitely a coffee wanker.

  1. Is there a timer?
  2. Is there a set of digital scales?
  3. Do they use the word ‘bloom’?

Zampa also throws in, “It’s important that the water doesn’t touch the paper,” as a bonus.

Coffee wanker.

The coffee-centric relationship between Zampa and Stoinis appears to be viewed with concerned bafflement by some others in the Australia setup.

“They’re a little bit too close at times, aren’t they?” says Aaron Finch. “Every photo they’re holding hands and… just doing weird shit.”

Justin Langer gets his feelings across more creatively by imbuing the word “rare” with more meaning than it has ever previously held.

“They are two of the rarest human beings that I have ever met in my life,” he says.

“They are rare, mate.”

And he makes this face when he says it.

“Rare” is quite a commonplace word, but Langer give it all sorts of connotations.

Imagine Justin Langer is a prison psychologist and you are in charge of parole. You’re wondering whether or not this particular prisoner is ready for release yet and Langer hands you his written report.

It consists of just one word. The word “rare”.

After you have read the report, you look at Langer in confusion and Langer says “rare” and makes that face above.

You instantly decide that the prisoner should be moved to a maximum security facility with no prospect of release.

14 comments

  1. In the words of Adam Zampa, “Get rarer”. Have you never listened to The Grade Cricketer, Alex?

  2. I think I spotted an omission in that opening sentence.
    Surely it should read: “If Australian cricket is respected for anything, and it isn’t, ….”

    1. Well spotted. Originally it had an “(and we’re not saying it is)” but then we deleted it because it ruined the flow a bit.

  3. That Langer neglects to refer to Zampa and Stoinis as having ‘elite rarity’ or some such, it suggests to me that, while they may be among the rarest individuals he’s met, there are yet more rare individuals to be had – those are the elite rare, mate.

      1. Prince Prefab lived in the same village as Phil Cool. He worked behind the bar with his daughter.

  4. Answering “yes” to just Just one of those questions would make one a coffee wanker. Two would be worthy of being a coffee dick and all three an utter coffee twat.

  5. One should also consider the possibility that Langer at times embraces his inner Hannibal Lecter and is simply letting us know how he would like to have them.

  6. Two guys were talking about coffee filtration behind me in the office as I read this….

    …they are nice guys, but I am beginning to expect elite rarity (or ‘elite rareship’, as JL might put it)

  7. Does anyone here drink Latte?

    That is the only thing, I ever drink. But to my surprise someone recently commented on twitter that Latte is not coffee.

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