I Don’t Like Cricket, I Hate It

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Welcome to ‘I Don’t Like Cricket, I Hate It,’ our innovative new feature in which we ask someone who hates cricket about cricket.

How do you feel about becoming King Cricket’s largely uninformed cricket correspondent?

Don’t care. I only did it because you said I definitely wouldn’t. Now I’m a bit annoyed because I thought it might be fun but have since realised it’s going to be a pain in the arse. Every time you send an email I’ll be thinking, ‘Oh God, I bet this is about cricket.’

So, ‘bit annoyed’ is the most accurate answer.

We’ve ended up being called King Cricket on the site. Do you want a pseudonym?

Yeah, I don’t want my real name used. You can name me if you can think of anything.

Prince something, Viscount something?

Prince Prefab.

Name a cricketer, Prince Prefab.

I will name all the cricketers I know the names of. No google cheating. Just so you know what you are dealing with.

Beefy, Gower, Atherton, Monty Panesar, Rob Key, Pietersen, Joe Root, Viv Richards, Flintoff, Rodney Redmond, Boris Johnson, Boycott. That’s it.

We’re going to call bullshit on Rodney Redmond. Do you have a favourite cricket memory?

I have two.

My dad trying to teach me to bowl every summer despite the fact I grew worse annually. I once bowled a tennis ball over the roof of the garage after following his detailed instructions on how to bowl overarm. He gave up at that point.

The other one is being taken to watch a local match. He went into the bar after a few overs and brought me out a coke and salt and vinegar French Fries [he means the crisps ]  which I ate on top of a pile of gravel to the side of the pitch (ground?).

My mum drove past after taking my gran home from Saturday tea, saw me and, disgusted with him, took me straight home, leaving him to think I’d been kidnapped.

Good of the local club to provide a pile of gravel to ensure a better vantage point. When did you last watch cricket and was there a gravel seating area?

I watched the winning moment on the news when we won the Ashes a few years ago and they all went to Downing Street the next day and pissed on the flowers in the back garden.

My running route takes me past a cricket pitch and I glance over there during the summer months but either they’re so slow or I’m so fast that by the time I’m past usually nowt has happened.

Should Alex Hales be dropped?

The song he would have playing when he comes out to bat is Don’t You Worry Child by Swedish House Mafia.

Of course he should be dropped.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. Superb to make your royal acquaintance, Prince Prefab. My experience of trying to learn to play cricket was much like your own, and had I been taken to the cricket when young I’d have probably had a similar watching one to you as well. I think we’ll get on.

    KC, does he only know of Rob Key because you went on about him incessantly?

    1. From Cricbuzz’ess’s’ss preview of the now-live #SANZ series, it would appear others are buying into the hype:

      “Ross Taylor, Kane Williamson and Tom Latham topped the run charts, scoring centuries respectively, while Neil Wagner picked up as many as 11 wickets, while the other bowlers chipped in as well, which holds them in great stead. “

      1. Presumably, Balladeer. Today TGNW was only the fourth-most-used bowler despite being the most successful. Kane Williamson seems not to understand that TGNW is not an ‘impact’ bowler to be used sparingly, but should be asked to run in all day, up the slope and/or into the wind if necessary. He even got one of his old schoolfriends out in the poxy 15 overs he was allowed to bowl!

  2. In the sort of fancy offices that web developers work in, is it possible to get a chair, or even a table, that looks, feels, sounds, smells, tastes and indeed is identical to a gravel pile?

  3. I know you don’t like requests posted on the site, KC, but surely you should ask Prince Prefab to suggest the new structure for county cricket, taking into account the pressure on the domestic season’s calendar and the commercial imperative to play a razzle-dazzle domestic T20 tournament mid season to keep the TV paymasters happy, while not interrupting or wrecking the international cricket schedule.

    I know that Prince Prefab doesn’t like cricket, indeed he hates it, but I think he might nevertheless be better qualified to solve the conundrum than the extant ECB/counties consultation process.

    1. We might have to build up to that one.

      This week’s is a bit of an intro really. We’ll get to more topical subjects in future instalments.

  4. As a newcomer to KC I’m getting accomstomed to the tangential streams. Sometimes I think you’re all speaking in tongues, Sanskricket perhaps. But every day’s a school day and think it’s lack of in-depth knowledge on my part. Which brings me back to KCs cricket hater. It’s often the abstreuse, esoteric nature of cricket that enthralls me, but puts off some of my friends. I’ve swerved a mate’s opinion about cricket being boring by persuading him to watch Fire in Babylon. That’s history but the Four-Test series against Pakistan has been riveting. I think folk just don’t, or refuse to ‘get it’. It takes time and it gets under the skin.

    1. Some of us can’t spake English, let alone Sanskricket.

      On a tangential note, I’ve decided to learn French instead, even though their variety of cricket is a bit strange, on account of coming across a great opportunity for property investment.

      My flatmate Richard H was sorting through the recycling bin when he discovered we’d amassed enough tokens from the back of cereal boxes, that if he traipsed to the nearest post box he could exchange them for a dilapidated holiday cottage in Dordogne – but for some reason he was too nervous to go through with it.

      What about that! I told the bottle-less Dick Head that were absolute diabolical and to send off for the dirty gîte, he should be walking.

      1. There is of course a punchline to this story. I will score all-comers’ attempts at it out of 10, but just as a hint there are bonus marks available for excessive use of your caps lock.

      2. Don’t berate your mate – he was just a bit indecisive…

        …presumably wondering, “chalet or Charente?”

      3. I’ll give you 6 out of 10 for that Ged, a good effort and pleasingly assonant. I would have awarded full marks to:


  5. The first ball I ever delivered in any sort of cricket match went about six feet over the batsman’s head and ten feet behind him. Unlike Prince Prefab, I lacked the excuse of being a child. It was embarrassing. Two balls later, though, I picked up a wicket when the batsman ducked under a lobbed full toss, only for it to smash into the stumps. It was tremendous.

    Eventually I learned to bowl that variety of rubbish slow-medium where it’s all half-trackers and then suddenly one will nip back and beat the batsman’s wild slog and he’ll be out stumped. I took a fair few wickets with that method the next indoor cricket season. Went for about 24 runs an over, but took wickets. That’s what matters, right?

      1. Couldn’t be more wrong Ged re the corporate chaps you met at Lords. I cut grass for a living. I’m keen on trying one of your throdkins. Think it would go well with my standard half bottle of claret for the afternoon session

  6. Poor old James Taylor. Against my better judgement, I’m listening to the *** Bl*st, and the size jokes keep coming.

    He’s good at this though. And to be fair he encourages them.

    1. He never really lets on that he’s already heard every possible joke nine billion times before. There’s something uncommonly resilient about his good humour.

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