IPL match report/ongoing feud with the ECB

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Bert of ‘sports administration is like looking after your neighbour’s cat‘ fame writes:

Last year I booked to go to see the IPL in India. Since then, I’ve not really taken much notice of the news. My travel agent – Clarke’s 20/20 Adventures – assured me that everything was tickety-boo, so last week I set off as planned for Delhi.

On arrival, the arranged car didn’t turn up. I telephoned Mr Clarke to ask what had happened. He said that the taxi driver had seemed a decent sort when he had first met him, so he had given him all the money up front. Since then, the driver had been exposed as an international fraudster. Apparently, this meant that it was “not my problem any more”. He discarded me.

Eventually, I managed to find suitable transport. When I had booked originally, there were several classes of hotel to choose from. I had opted for “Luxury”, but Mr Clarke had insisted that I go for “Luxery”, which he said was a Hindi word meaning “better than the best thing ever, with a helicopter”.


The following morning, I was met by Mr Clarke’s helper, a Mr Collier. I mentioned that Mr Clarke’s organisation of the 20/20 journey so far had not been the best. Mr Collier told me that no-one cared what I thought, as Mr Clarke had the full support of a dozen or so people that he was giving lots of money to and that was all that mattered.

I also pointed out that the hotel room was not quite the luxery I was expecting. He said that it was easy to be wise after the event and that no-one at the time could have predicted that things would turn out to be seedy and grubby.


At this stage, I didn’t know which match I would be seeing. Would it be The Chargers, with Gilchrist and Gibbs opening the batting? Or maybe I would get to see Dhoni and Flintoff for the Super Kings. Mr Collier said it would be none of these and introduced me instead to two of this year’s new franchises: the Muzaffarnagar Lads and the Muzaffarnagar Other Lads.

I watched from the main stand, which had been reserved entirely for me. The cricket didn’t seem to be quite up to the standard that I had remembered from last year, but it was much better than the standard of English limited-overs cricket.

Lillee to Bradman

It was a little difficult to make much out, but according to Mr Collier, I was watching Lillee bowling to Bradman, with IVA Richards at the non-striker’s end. I said I wasn’t sure about that, but he suggested that I shut my eyes tight and say la-la-la very loudly, which he said was Mr Clarke’s method of seeing the best in a situation.

Knowing the predilection at this website for pictures of cats, I asked Mr Collier if he could find any local cats for me. He said that he couldn’t, but many years of working with Mr Clarke meant he knew how to spot a swine with his snout in the mud.

Not a cat

Send your match reports that don’t mention the actual cricket to king@kingcricket.co.uk


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  1. I really really like this and believed it implicitly (Bert is such a trustworthy name) but feel guilty for reading it under false pretences as it clearly and truthfully contained ACTUAL cricket. Sadly I discard it.

  2. Whisper it, but I suspect that due to the connivance of the ECB, the cricket in question was not in fact “actual”. So while Bert obviously wasn’t to know this, I’m sure he can be forgiven.

    Plus it’s got an excellent pig joke. Pig jokes neutralise cricket, right?

  3. That pig looks like it has the flu.

    I think you should shut down King Cricket for a few weeks as a perfectly sensible and reasonable precaution.

  4. No need to shut down King Cricket.
    Wait and see if KC comes out in a rasher, then may be shut time for a week or two.

  5. Arghhhhh – are we heading towards a pundemic, V?

    Love this – I’m prepared to forgive Bert mentioning actual cricket on the grounds that he made me laugh out loud. What’s the opposite of discard? I do that.

  6. You receive Bert, Mel?

    Either way, despite loving this – the mention of cricket gets a double-discard – why did you do it?

    And Bert, what would Giles Clarke upgrade a pig to?

  7. Everyone knows that the best way to upgrade a pig, is to cook it.

    Pork Chops,
    Belly Pork & Crackling….

    Mmmm pork.

  8. Discarded by Ceci, now thrice discarded by D. Charlton (I’m counting), but being received by Mel more than makes up for it.

    Why did I do it? I guess it was hard not to – it’s not every day that one gets to see Bradman, Richards and Lillee playing 20/20 together. I would bet that there’s not many people who have seen the three of them playing together in any form of cricket.

    All I can say is – well done Clarke and Collier! They truly know how to run things properly.

    And Suave, you are so right, and it warms my heart to think that the pig in the photo might already have been upgraded.

  9. I know who Bert is. Either that, or someone has stolen his blog post and submitted it elsewhere as their work…

    Bert, did you touch the pig? Are you Patient Zero?

  10. I’ve never been very patient, Miriam. Always on the go, that’s me. And I only ever touch pigs that have been upgraded a la Suave.

    And, on your other slightly sinister comment, it just goes to show that you can’t trust anyone these days. The cricket establishment is out there watching you RIGHT NOW, noting down what you write, whispering in dark corridors, assembling files. They’ll come for you one day, Miriam. They have their ways of finding out who said what. Be vigilant. Trust no-one. Oh, hold on, I’ve got to go – there’s a roundish chap with an orange and yellow tie on knocking at the door. I wonder what he wants…

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