Samit Patel is a big fat loser – a majestic, admirable, envied, big fat loser (plus a round-up of this week’s other first division matches)

Posted by
2 minute read

If respect were something tangible and delicious rather than an abstract concept, Samit Patel earned more of it than even he could eat this week. He also won the battle of the Patels. What he did not win was ‘the match for Nottinghamshire against Warwickshire’.

The man Kevin Pietersen calls Sandwich Patel made 124 out of his side’s fourth innings 173 all out, hitting Jeetan Patel for seven sixes in the process. Chris Wright – one of those dull-named county players you can never quite remember – eventually got him and Warwickshire won.

Another win!

The outstanding performer in the Durham v Lancashire match was The Great Neil Wagner, who returned figures of 0-89 and 0-28. Durham’s Scott Borthwick also played quite well and made a hundred in each innings. This week was also the first occasion we’ve called him ‘Scott Borthwick’ without first calling him ‘Steve Borthwick‘ and then correcting ourself. Clearly he’s gone up a level.

Durham won. Some dude called Barry McCarthy took a five-for in the first innings. McCarthy is the youngest Barry we know of. But then he is Irish.

Draws everywhere else in the first division

Still not bad though. Two results last week and two more this week and we’re actually getting somewhere. Sadly for Somerset, there were altogether too many runs for a result against Yorkshire. James Hildreth continues to make hundreds for them, while Adam Lyth got one for the visitors.

After being rained off in Hampshire a fortnight ago and rained off at home last week, Middlesex headed all the way to Surrey in the hope of finding some good weather. They were rained off. Ollie Rayner – who has somehow accelerated to the age of 30 at some point very recently – took six wickets between the deluges.

Das table

That’s German for ‘the table’. (It isn’t, and while we could easily look up the correct translation, it seems to make far more sense not to.)

  1. Warwickshire – 67
  2. Yorkshire – 66
  3. Lancashire – 62

Lancashire still have a game in hand though. It’s also worth pointing out that they’ve only drawn one game. Somerset and Middlesex have both drawn five.

Reading this back, it probably would have been more accurate to label this section ‘some of das table’ – but what can you do? You can’t edit things on the internet, can you?

Can you?


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. A second winning draw in a row for the mighty, unbeaten cidermen and momentum is growing. And when the momentum is this strong with a unit as big as, say, Marcus Trescothick, they become literally unstoppable.

    Mark my words – there are now only two sides remaining who could win this county championship title by drawing all 16 matches.

    1. …with an ideal opportunity for Middlesex and Somerset to continue their drawing runs together next week, if the weather forecast and Mick Hunt’s heavy rolling comply with their respective specifications.

      1. One of your dreams has already come to pass:

        Four points for a test, two for an ODI or (the) T20.

        I’m OK with this, but like others have said, disagree with the tour format (too many ODIs relative to the other match formats). A 2-0 test series victory would be cancelled out by a 5-1 overall result in LO, which doesn’t quite seem right to me.

      2. It is the wrong way round, which is a shame because that does rather undermine things. People still need to be persuaded of the merits of this system and doing it all half-arsed isn’t likely to achieve that.

  2. Das Lancashire: “One may recall that Straussy and the lads, whom we may refer to as tables, began to dance when the rest of the world appeared to be standing still – strictly pour encourager les autres. END.”

    1. The key numbers today, I’m reliably informed by social media, are 630 and 9964. Unless Sri Lanka bat first, in which case they might be the key numbers tomorrow instead.

      1. Well, what a day that was. 9,964 became 9,980 but 630 remains 630 and always will.

  3. BBC text commmentary: “The not-so good bits – hayfever, warm beer, flower shows, the Tour de France (seriously, who watches it?)…”

    …everybody run and hide…

    1. It’s just a lot of blokes on bikes isn’t it? They started off over there and finished up over there. Some of them were in a different position relative to some of the other blokes on bikes when they’d finished going from there to there. What’s the big attraction?

    2. People who say ‘warm beer’ when they merely mean ‘not ice cold’ are idiots.

      The other thing we’re not even going to bother with. Feels exactly the same as those office arguments where some hilarious football fan tells you Test cricket’s boring and ‘nothing happens’.

      1. Although those who’ve had their fill of reading how Compton and Hales have ‘much to prove’ can pass a few more minutes before the Test starts by catching up with the Giro d’Italia on our cycling website.

        We’ve been including local delicacies in our stage reports.

  4. Test cricket is back, Warwickshire are top of the league and all is right with the world.

    1. Except for all the wars and murders and general bigotry and intolerance and whatnot.

      Or was that rhetoric?

    1. Who is this guy? He might just be the greatest bowler the world has ever seen. Tyson-esque average.

  5. You did this, with your DAS obsession. You created the conditions for Dasun to shine.


    1. A certain James Walsh has just tweeted the very same to the Guardian OBO. Coincidence? Or is it an organised conspiracy from Ian Bell fans?

      What would we call this hypothetical cabal of Bell fans? I can only think of The Campanologists and the obvious one involving his name and a synonym for conclusion.

      1. I saw that!

        I categorically deny that I am @jamesofwalsh. Seems like a smart chap, though.

  6. Anyway, the problem here is the batsmen’s approach to dobbly bowling. It is a well known FACT that only agricultural swinging can cope with dibble. Graeme Swann would have known what to do. Muralitharan would have been on 100 not out at lunch.

    I predict England’s fortunes to improve as the weaker batsmen get out. Sixth wicket at 90. Seventh wicket at 150. Eighth wicket at 465.

Comments are closed.