Tag: Samit Patel

Samit Patel is a big fat loser – a majestic, admirable, envied, big fat loser (plus a round-up of this week’s other first division matches)

If respect were something tangible and delicious rather than an abstract concept, Samit Patel earned more of it than even he could eat this week. He also won the battle of the Patels. What he did not win was ‘the match for Nottinghamshire against Warwickshire’.

The man Kevin Pietersen calls Sandwich Patel made 124 out of his side’s fourth innings 173 all out, hitting Jeetan Patel for seven sixes in the process. Chris Wright – one of those dull-named county players you can never quite remember – eventually got him and Warwickshire won.

Another win!

The outstanding performer in the Durham v Lancashire match was The Great Neil Wagner, who returned figures of 0-89 and 0-28. Durham’s Scott Borthwick also played quite well and made a hundred in each innings. This week was also the first occasion we’ve called him ‘Scott Borthwick’ without first calling him ‘Steve Borthwick‘ and then correcting ourself. Clearly he’s gone up a level.

Durham won. Some dude called Barry McCarthy took a five-for in the first innings. McCarthy is the youngest Barry we know of. But then he is Irish.

Draws everywhere else in the first division

Still not bad though. Two results last week and two more this week and we’re actually getting somewhere. Sadly for Somerset, there were altogether too many runs for a result against Yorkshire. James Hildreth continues to make hundreds for them, while Adam Lyth got one for the visitors.

After being rained off in Hampshire a fortnight ago and rained off at home last week, Middlesex headed all the way to Surrey in the hope of finding some good weather. They were rained off. Ollie Rayner – who has somehow accelerated to the age of 30 at some point very recently – took six wickets between the deluges.

Das table

That’s German for ‘the table’. (It isn’t, and while we could easily look up the correct translation, it seems to make far more sense not to.)

  1. Warwickshire – 67
  2. Yorkshire – 66
  3. Lancashire – 62

Lancashire still have a game in hand though. It’s also worth pointing out that they’ve only drawn one game. Somerset and Middlesex have both drawn five.

Reading this back, it probably would have been more accurate to label this section ‘some of das table’ – but what can you do? You can’t edit things on the internet, can you?

Can you?

England’s strongest unit supported by England’s biggest unit

Photos by Sarah Ansell

Photos by Sarah Ansell

At lunch, Samit Patel had 0-33 off nine overs – neither here nor there. Fortunately, lunch is Samit’s secret weapon.

Popeye gains superpowers when he consumes spinach. In much the same way, Samit Patel gains superpowers when he eats pretty much anything.

“Bring forth the pastries!” he cried.

After lunch, he bowled like a man possessed – a man possessed by the spirit of a reasonably solid, attritional, left-arm orthodox finger-spinner, but a man possessed nonetheless. In that session, he took 1-24 off nine overs.

In the end, Samit got through 23 overs in the day, which was really rather handy because it allowed James Anderson and Stuart Broad to be James Anderson and Stuart Broad rather than James Anderson and Stuart Broad’s weary, insipid doppelgangers.

The extra seamer fallacy

It’s common in these situations to point to the success of Anderson and Broad (4-17 and 2-13 respectively) and say that England should have picked another seamer, but it doesn’t work like that.

If you aren’t already aware, Liam Plunkett isn’t James Anderson. Nor would he have been able to bowl as many overs as Samit Patel. Moeen Ali and Adil Rashid could perhaps have taken up the slack, but neither was as economical as our pastry-fuelled friend. Things probably wouldn’t have worked out the same.

Back to Anderson and Broad – plus absent friends

England will rarely if ever again find themselves playing in difficult pace bowling conditions with two pace bowlers of such experience, skill, expertise and adaptability.

In a parallel world these two are still playing alongside Jonathan Trott, Matt Prior, Graeme Swann and perhaps even Kevin Pietersen. Rather than being battle-scarred from mistreatment and overuse, those players are battle-hardened and England have more of a chance on these tours.

This isn’t to yearn for the past (or parallel worlds). It’s just an observation. We sometimes feel that the brilliance of England’s opening bowlers is to some degree frittered away by the callow nature of the other ‘units’ within this current side.

New players are fun, but old players are generally more effective. Sadly, when it comes to cricket, England is no country for old men.

Why Samit Patel should play in place of Mark Wood

Mark Wood’s duff ankle means he won’t play the third Test against Pakistan. So who should replace him?

Over at Cricinfo, Andrew McGlashan argues that Liam Plunkett is the logical choice. Being as Chris Jordan was only a late call-up to replace Steven Finn, Plunkett is the next pace bowler in the order of peckery. Plus, as Mike Selvey has been arguing in the Guardian, England’s spinners ain’t done owt – Selvey reckons they’d be better off picking five seamers.

We disagree. We think this is a great time to recall the man Kevin Pietersen calls Sandwich Patel. Between them, Patel and Rashid are a decent Test match spin bowler. In the first innings Patel can keep it, if not tight as a mouse’s ear, then tighter than Rashid would, and then the Yorkshireman can do his thing in the second innings while Patel busies himself standing still.

More importantly, Samit Patel is actually really rather a good batsman against spin bowling and England possess really rather a poor middle order at the minute. One Test may not be enough to prove his worth – and doing so may have few consequences in the long run anyway – but he’s always impressed us.

Most importantly of all, Samit has plentiful energy reserves.

Samit Patel’s back

Samit Patel - still wholly committed to his ultimate goal of 'remaining pretty fat'

As in ‘returned’. He hasn’t got ankylosing spondylitis or anything. Or maybe he has. Maybe he’s not fat and it’s chronic inflammation. Big boned and all that. He’s also back in the England squad.

We’ve said it about Samit Patel before and we’ll say it again, but sometimes picking an England spinner is like buying discounted fruit and veg. There’s always something wrong with it, but you can often make something worthwhile if you get a bit creative.

Smoothies and soups are the order of the day when it comes to fruit and veg based creativity, whereas in the England spinner sense it usually involves chipping in with ‘valuable runs’ at number nine and ‘keeping it tight’ at one end during the afternoon session.

Samit’s heard of fruit and veg and thought to himself, ‘why risk it?’ – but he’s well-suited to the fill the England position

Some other positions for which Samit Patel would be well suited:

  • Lying down
  • Sitting at the dining table
  • Queuing at the bakery

Or how about Samit Patel?

Samit Patel bowling a bit of spin

This early season is taking us back. Before Panesar and then Swann, picking an England spin bowler was like buying discounted fruit and veg. There was something wrong with whatever you chose, but could you find a way of using it somehow? You needed the vitamins, after all.

We feel like we’re back there again. This cabbage is starting to yellow a bit, but take off the outer leaves and it’ll be okay for the next day or so. These bananas are overripe, but they could go into a smoothie. These knackered up courgettes could be used for soup and likewise this limp brocolli.

Samit Patel’s very much a batsman-who-bowls-spin, but like Jonny Bairstow, he’s another recent England player who could have been given a fairer crack. In an ideal world, you wouldn’t even consider him. You’d walk straight past and fondle the avocados, looking for one with just the right amount of give.

But there are no avocados. There’s no spinach. There are no huge fresh tomatoes. There’s just a batsman-who-bowls-spin who looks much the same as many of the other batsmen-who-bowls-spin. Might as well consider him, unless you want to contract scurvy.

Why is Samit Patel in the England Test squad?

30 per cent fat is higher than a pork scratching

Life’s about compromise. That’s what we’ll tell our kids when we take them to Lancashire v Yorkshire and buy them an ice cream between them instead of splashing out on Alton Towers tickets.

If the Battotron 9000 averages 50, but has to be bolted to the floor in order to field, we’d pick the more mobile Batmaster 3000 if it averaged 49. Samit Patel might not be a gazelle in the field, but who’d want a gazelle in the field? They haven’t got hands.

No, wait. What was our point?

Oh yeah, Samit Patel might not be much of a fielder, but he’s a very good batsman and a reliable bowler who might get through some overs in Sri Lanka, allowing the quick bowlers more of a rest. Bits and pieces is a bit pejorative. Samit Patel has massive bits and a great big piece…

Samit Patel makes a commitment

It would seem that Samit Patel is fully committed to maintaining his lardy physique.

As Andy Flower said:

“He was chosen on the condition that he would improve his physical state to be in consideration for this squad of 15. He hasn’t done that.”

Good work, Samit. That’s commitment. Don’t let a World Cup place deter you from your ultimate goal of ‘remaining pretty fat’.

It reminds us of when Mark Cosgrove was told he could get as fat as he liked until it got ‘ridiculous’. Only it’s better than that, because Samit is more of a maverick.

Samit doesn’t have express approval to do this to himself, but he’s doing it anyway. Hang the consequences. Living the dream.

Samit Patel looks to Darren Lehmann for help

Everyone needs a role model and with Samit Patel’s weight issues, who better to turn to than Mark Cosgrove‘s mentor. Samit Patel is heading to Darren Lehmann’s cricket academy in a bid to get in shape for next season.

Other places Samit considered suitable:

  • Bed
  • The settee
  • A bakery

Samit Patel in ‘unacceptable level of fitness’ shocker

The ECB have released a statement announcing that Samit Patel has been dropped from England’s one-day squad. We’ll paraphrase for you:

Samit Patel is fat.

We’re glad our employers don’t make press releases about the personal flaws that affect our work.

It would be disconcerting to open a newspaper and find an article about how we only ever put in the bare minimum effort and frequently waste time daydreaming about flamingos playing Connect 4.

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