Samit Patel’s back

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Samit Patel - still wholly committed to his ultimate goal of 'remaining pretty fat'

As in ‘returned’. He hasn’t got ankylosing spondylitis or anything. Or maybe he has. Maybe he’s not fat and it’s chronic inflammation. Big boned and all that. He’s also back in the England squad.

We’ve said it about Samit Patel before and we’ll say it again, but sometimes picking an England spinner is like buying discounted fruit and veg. There’s always something wrong with it, but you can often make something worthwhile if you get a bit creative.

Smoothies and soups are the order of the day when it comes to fruit and veg based creativity, whereas in the England spinner sense it usually involves chipping in with ‘valuable runs’ at number nine and ‘keeping it tight’ at one end during the afternoon session.

Samit’s heard of fruit and veg and thought to himself, ‘why risk it?’ – but he’s well-suited to the fill the England position

Some other positions for which Samit Patel would be well suited:

  • Lying down
  • Sitting at the dining table
  • Queuing at the bakery


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. Pretty leftfield pick. In all the speculation around the announcement of the squad, and subsequently around who might replace Ansari, I’ve probably seen twenty names mentioned and not one of them was Patel.

    Still, nothing like picking an unfit, tried-and-didn’t-do particularly-well bits a pieces spinner in his thirties for a tour of the subcontinent.

    1. He won’t play anyway. Even if one of Rashid and Moeen get injured, they’ve still got Root.

      Should have picked Ballance as a bowler.

  2. Presumably in on weight of runs? Stomach for a battle in the UAE?

    Just look at that photo – he’s ‘driven’ to the boundary, eh readers?!

  3. When I saw Ansari was hurt, Patel was actually the first name that popped into my head as a potential replacement. Granted, it was in the context of “Well who are they going to pick now, Samit Patel?” and not “I think Samit Patel would be a good replacement,” but still.

  4. reminds me of the time (in my pre-diabetes days), I deliberately bought a completely over-ripe (& gooey) Mango, so that I could pierce a straw into it and literally drink from it.

    The store-girl was like, are you sure you want to buy this? couldn’t youhave picked from one of the so many proper mangos lying around, like everybody else?

    1. How was it?

      Maybe it doesn’t matter; ‘exsanguinate a rotting mango’ sounds like something I’d do at least once.

    2. oh it was wonderful. but couldn’t use a straw to drink as there was still sufficient fibre inside to block the tube. just sucked the whole thing out like a vampire

      just to keep in mind the mango was not rotting. just juicy/gooey inside with skin managing to hold it together from the outside

    3. I think we should genetically modify the mango, perhaps by crossing it with a coconut, such that the fruit “naturally” bears a juice that can be drunk with a straw once the outer has been pierced.

      Once we have done that, the marketing gurus Charley and I met on day “cocktails for” two of the Kiwi test will surely enable us all to cash in with this delicious, convenient and vitamin-rich treat.

      Thus enriched (with money as well as vitamins), I could stop getting up ridiculously early to trundle off to the City. I could loaf here and chat with you folk all day.

  5. If there’s one thing that’s sure to improve KC’s mood, it is the selection of a rotund cricketer.

    Oh happy day!

    1. I’m always a bit creeped out by overly athletic athletes so Patel has always had my full support.

    1. Yer Maj!!!!!!!

      Personally I think he might go for Smoky Bacon or even Tomato Ketchup crisps. Or crisps with smoky bacon and tomato ketchup even.

  6. Lyth was 2nd in the Yorkshire bowling averages and 14th in batting. Poor Ballance never got a bowl.

  7. And Sidebottom had an excellent batting average of 43.50 with a top score of 28. Finch was the most economical bowler, it’s a funny old game.

  8. Sam & Tom Curran took all ten wickets in an innings between them today.

    Can we all just pause for a moment to realise that Sam Curran was born in 1998.

    1. If you put 438 on the board and have the oppo 120-7, you shouldn’t really expect to lose from that position, should you? It should be illegal, in fact…

  9. From David Hopps’ piece today: “He looks trim, that needs to be stated from the outset.”

    What’s the point in picking him then!?

  10. “The English cricket team are scheduled to tour the United Arab Emirates to play Pakistan in October and November 2015. The tour will consist of three Test matches, four One Day Internationals and three Twenty20 Internationals. They will also play two two-day tour matches against a Pakistan A side, a 50-over match against an as-yet unconfirmed opponent, and a Twenty20 match against the United Arab Emirates.”

    No chance whatsoever of being undercooked then!

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