Tag: Shane Warne (page 1 of 2)

Shane Warne says Jos Buttler is a Houdini-esque escapologist

The very great thing about Shane Warne having a book out (ghosted by Mark Nicholas, of all people) is that he appears here, there and everywhere and talks his nonsense and we all get to marvel at how swiftly the man can form opinions and stick to them.

Warne thinks England should make Jos Buttler Test captain. This is a very Warne-ish thing to think. Put the eye-catching player in charge.

Like most of Warne’s ideas, there’s something underpinning it but maybe not all that much.

Firstly, he knows Buttler from Rajasthan Royals. Warne pretty much always talks up people he personally knows, particularly if he’s met them fairly recently.

Secondly, he reckons England need to unshackle Joe Root.

“Maybe England could think about their best player having the shackles off, not having the responsibility of captaincy, and give it to someone like Jos Buttler,” he said.

There’s merit in this. Maybe Joe Root would bat better unshackled. But wouldn’t that transfer of power merely amount to the shackling of Buttler?

“Jos could play with his freedom and captain the side, and Joe could just concentrate on his cricket,” Warne reasoned.

Apparently Buttler is unaffected by shackles for reasons that aren’t exactly explained. We can only presume he is able to wriggle out of the captaincy shackles whenever he wants (and presumably wriggle back into them whenever England are fielding or it’s a press conference or whatever.)


EXCLUSIVE: Shane Warne capable of self-awareness

Shane Warne (via Cricket Australia YouTube)

Shane Warne’s got another book out – No Spin. In it, he’s taken the time to dig over old grievances with Steve Waugh.

The story is this. Steve Waugh wanted to drop Shane Warne once because he was coming back from major shoulder surgery and he wasn’t bowling very well. Warne agreed that he wasn’t bowling very well, but said he was about to start bowling very well any minute now, so Waugh shouldn’t drop him.

Waugh dropped him.

Let’s say that the two men got on a bit less well after that point.

A little further down the line, Waugh was advised by doctors to miss a Test after a horrific on-field collision with Jason Gillespie. Waugh didn’t want to miss the Test.

Fox Sports reports that in a tour management meeting, Warne told Waugh that he didn’t think much of his suggestion that he’d field in a helmet if he had to and said that he should sit out the Test.

Waugh refused to sit out the Test. Warne stood his ground, and…

“As the conversation went on I got more and more facetious about it. I’d even say I was being a dickhead and looking for a bit of revenge.”

So there you have it: proof, finally, that Shane Warne is self-aware.

This is actually a somewhat damning revelation when you think about some of the other stuff he’s got up to over the years. A complete lack of self-awareness seemed to explain a lot.


Shane Warne says we were created by aliens – but which ones?

The frustrating thing about reality TV programmes is that when someone says something interesting, there’s no-one there to ask the obvious follow-up questions.

While appearing on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, Shane Warne said that humans “couldn’t do” the pyramids. “You couldn’t pull those ropes, huge bits of brick and make it perfectly symmetrical. Couldn’t do it. So who did it?”

Aliens, according to Warne. And he doesn’t stop there. He also believes that humans “started from aliens.”

The plasticated ex-legspinner has little time for the theory of evolution – so little time, in fact, that he hasn’t even bothered finding out any of the details.

“If we’ve evolved from monkeys, then why haven’t those ones evolved?” he asked.

So rather than reading a book or googling ‘evolution’ at some point during his 46 years on this earth, Warne instead invested his time devising his own Chariots of the Gods type theory of origin.

Well here at King Cricket, we’re not Shane Warne. When we hear a theory, we want to scrutinise it. If humans were ‘started’ by aliens, Shane, then which aliens?

Was it the dude from Alien Infiltration?

Alien Infiltration dude (via YouTube)

Because if so, we’d question that. Alien Infiltration dude is massively homicidal. And not in a ‘righting the wrongs of my species’ kind of way. He just seems to kill on a whim.

Was it Ree Yees from Star Wars?

Ree Yees (via YouTube)

Again, we doubt it. Ree Yees comes across as little more than a thug; a sniggering yes-man who hangs around with Jabba the Hutt, laughing at his jokes. He just doesn’t seem to have the wherewithal to create life.

Also, if Ree Yees were the creator of humanity, would he have allowed us to lose an idol in his likeness when we catapulted it using the branch of a conifer tree back when we were 10?

Probably not.

Was it Lord Buckethead?

Lord Buckethead (via YouTube)

Come on Shane, think! In Gremloids, Lord Buckethead only found his way to earth by accident. You’d think he’d have known where he was if he’d created a species here.

Was it the Engineers from Prometheus?

Engineers from Prometheus (via YouTube)

This is what you’re thinking of, isn’t it, Shane? You watched Prometheus and thought it was a documentary.

It’s an odd species that routinely describes Shane Warne as a genius.


Aggressive cricket can be all about playing really defensively

We’ve written about ‘aggressive cricket’ about a billion times, but that’s largely because – like a snipped clothing label that hasn’t quite been fully removed – it continues to irritate us.

Different people mean different things by ‘aggression’ and also confuse cricketing aggression with actual aggression. The latest to say something stupid on the matter is, unsurprisingly, Shane Warne.

“All this about aggressive play – aggressive play can also be about wearing down your opposition and letting the ball go well, to keep them out in the field for long periods of time.”

No it can’t.

What’s happened is that ‘aggressive cricket’ has widely come to be seen as the best way of approaching the sport and now no-one dares say otherwise. This means that on those occasions when playing aggressively isn’t the best approach, rather than acknowledging this, people instead redefine what ‘aggressive’ means.

Sports people are really, really bad at words. It never fails to surprise us how they don’t merely misuse words, but misuse them in such a way that they warp meaning and undermine the English language for other people as well.

Here’s what Warne should have said:

“All this about aggressive play – good play can be about wearing down your opposition and letting the ball go well, to keep them out in the field for long periods of time.”


Shane Warne and friends – the painting

Shane Warne left an important part of his brain somewhere on a cricket field in Hampshire. It’s the part that stops you doing things that your 11-year-old self would have thought a good idea.

Here he is describing a painting he had commissioned.

Here’s the painting itself.

We’d love to know what this programme was and what else was covered. We’d particularly like to hear Warne talk us through the rest of his painting.

During the last Test, there was an unsually laboured spell of commentary in which Warne revisted his ‘Sherminator’ nickname for Ian Bell while working alongside Ian Botham. “He’s not the Sherminator any more,” said Warne. “He’s Stifler” – intending this as some form of bizarre compliment.

It’s a strange sort of 45-year-old whose favourite film is American Pie. It’s stranger still for someone that age to see Steve Stifler – a character who at one point refers to himself as ‘The Stifmeister’ – as being the hero.

Botham dealt with the situation by completely ignoring Warne, despite being asked direct questions on the matter on at least three separate occasions.

Beefy has rarely if ever before seemed so professional behind a microphone.

Thanks to Russell Jackson for pointing this video out.


Alastair Cook v Shane Warne – who’s the bigger idiot?

Will Alastair Cook learn his lesson? Most people know that it’s incredibly unwise for the England captain to demand that critics be less critical.

But not Cook, apparently. He recently said that “something needs to be done” about Shane Warne’s relentless criticism of his captaincy.

The headline of Warne’s latest column?

“Alastair Cook’s captaincy was the worst I have ever seen.”

Over to you, Alastair. Which highly inflammable material are you going to use to try and extinguish the flames this time?


Let’s start as we mean to go on

By going away, not updating the site properly and then doing a half-arsed round-up post on a Monday morning, even though we don’t really know what happened because we weren’t actually paying any attention.

Pakistan won a one-day series against India

We did actually watch some of this. And by ‘watch’, we of course mean ‘had on in the background while reading about something else on the internet’.

In a three match series, India’s highest score was 227-6. Virender Sehwag has been dropped in favour of Cheteshwar Pujara.

Shane Warne and Marlon Samuels managed to draw attention to the Big Bash League

By having some sort of petulant fit at each other. Fingers were pointed. Bats were flung limply into the air in the vague direction of someone. Viewers cringed.

England lost a one-day warm-up match

Ian Bell said it didn’t matter. England’s last one-day tour of India was only just over a year ago, so he’s probably right. If the main fixtures can’t retain even a semblance of meaning for much longer than 12 months, the warm-ups have even less relevance.

Apparently, the weather was cold and foggy for the game. That was probably the highlight.


Shane Warne and Liz Hurley in the News of the World

Yeah mate, and then I flipper over and give her the full tossWe had rather foolishly assumed that the ‘Shane Warne might make a comeback’ story would be the stupidest Shane Warne story of the week.

But no.

Apparently, model and actress-who-gets-by-pretty-much-solely-on-her-looks, Liz Hurley, has been having ‘an affair’ with our favourite swollen-looking Antipodean cartoon character.

What constitutes an affair? If people of different genders both agree that the crackers they’re eating are a bit dry, that’s usually enough for the News of the World.

In other equally credible news, Brad Haddin has married one of the Chuckle Brothers in a secret ceremony while Shane Watson has devised a revolutionary technique for prenatal DNA testing.


Imagine you’re Shane Warne

We’ll give you a minute or two to get to grips with that. You can come back later if it’s too much to take in at once.

For those of you who are okay, we’ll continue.

So you’re Shane Warne. With your reputation, would you choose to put this image in a prominent position on your website?

'Come round when you've finished inserting catheters and wiping old people's arses'

You’re Shane Warne. Tell us what you’re texting and to whom.


Shane Warne learns Indian English

Depending on the speaker’s mother tongue, there are different forms of Indian English. Each has its own little quirks. The word ‘the’ might disappear from one sentence and appear unexpectedly in another. The words ‘would’ and ‘will’ are often used interchangeably.

We’ve no problem with any of this. Our Hindi’s hardly top drawer. However, when the words of players are reinterpreted and passed off as direct quotes, it grates a bit.

According to Cricinfo, Shane Warne said the following about his efforts to improve relations with Melbourne’s Indian population, following recent attacks:

“I hail from Victoria in Australia and have had the cricketing relations with India for more than 20 years. I love all the three – Victoria, Australia and India. That is why I have tried to visit the Indian community in Victoria and had assured them.”

Shane Warne never said that.

But does this matter? Well, some peccadillos actually change the meaning of what’s being said. How many balls have you managed to turn, Shane?

“I have turned few balls during the practice matches. I hope I would soon be in perfect rhythm.”


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