Shane Warne says we were created by aliens – but which ones?

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The frustrating thing about reality TV programmes is that when someone says something interesting, there’s no-one there to ask the obvious follow-up questions.

When he appeared on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here in 2016, Shane Warne expressed his belief that humans, “couldn’t do” the pyramids.

“You couldn’t pull those ropes, huge bits of brick and make it perfectly symmetrical,” he said. “Couldn’t do it. So who did it?”

Who indeed?

Aliens, according to Warne. And he doesn’t stop there. He also believes that humans, “started from aliens.”

The plasticated ex-legspinner has little time for the theory of evolution – so little time, in fact, that he hasn’t even bothered finding out any of the details.

“If we’ve evolved from monkeys, then why haven’t those ones evolved?” he asked.

So rather than reading a book or googling ‘evolution’ at some point during his 46 years on this earth, Warne instead invested his time devising his own Chariots of the Gods type theory of origin.

Well here at King Cricket, we’re not Shane Warne. When we hear a theory, we want to scrutinise it. If humans were ‘started’ by aliens, Shane, then which aliens?

Was it the dude from Alien Infiltration?

Alien Infiltration dude (via YouTube)

Because if so, we’d question that. Alien Infiltration dude is massively homicidal. And not in a ‘righting the wrongs of my species’ kind of way. He just seems to kill on a whim.

Was it Ree Yees from Star Wars?

Ree Yees (via YouTube)

Again, we doubt it. Ree Yees comes across as little more than a thug; a sniggering yes-man who hangs around with Jabba the Hutt, laughing at his jokes. He just doesn’t seem to have the wherewithal to create life.

Also, if Ree Yees were the creator of humanity, would he have allowed us to lose an idol in his likeness when we catapulted it using the branch of a conifer tree back when we were 10?

Probably not.

Was it Lord Buckethead?

Lord Buckethead (via YouTube)

Come on Shane, think! In Gremloids, Lord Buckethead only found his way to earth by accident. You’d think he’d have known where he was if he’d created a species here.

Was it the Engineers from Prometheus?

Engineers from Prometheus (via YouTube)

This is what you’re thinking of, isn’t it, Shane? You watched Prometheus and thought it was a documentary.

It’s an odd species that routinely describes Shane Warne as a genius.

First published in February 2016.

23 comments

  1. The thing is, he might have a point. The idea that we have evolved into a higher species than monkeys is routinely disproven by the existence of creationists, whether the American religious type or the Australian leg spinner type. Natural selection really ought to have got rid of that gene a long time ago. The only possible explanation for these people is that god / the aliens deliberately put them on earth and gave them access to the internet for a laugh. They’ll be sat up there now in their space heaven, sipping alien cocktails and chuckling at humanity as we try to work out how and why Shane Warne exists.

    1. A braying sycophant he may be, but Channel Nine prefers its commentators one-eyed. Ree Yees has two too many.

  2. My favourite bit (of the transcript, I haven’t watched the actual conversation) is the following:

    “Maybe they turned a few monkeys into humans and said, ‘Yeah, it works.’”

  3. Shame. He was the cricketer of his generation. Now he’s in danger of being remembered as a Karl Pilkington figure.

    1. When he retires from commentary and/or whatever else he is doing these days post-actually-playing-the-sodding-game, will we all have to eulogise afresh, only this time over what a monumental twunt he was? World class levels of twuntery. I’d even go as far as to say now that he’d make Wisden’s Five Twunts of the Century if such a thing were compiled.

      Shane Warne.

      Twunt.

      1. Apparently he’s gone “mature”, yet to really see one way or the other… But yeah, why not. It’s either him or Kohli.

        So Wisden’s Five Twunts of the Century contains four Australians. Who could’ve seen that coming?

  4. Imagine the giddy depths to which Warne has yet to sink. He’s going to end up another Les Patterson, only with a slightly more clean tie.

    1. In many ways Warne is more ridiculous than Sir Les, which is damning as Sir Les is fictional and deliberately ridiculous.

      1. I always assumed when Les claimed to have “got the girl” with some nameless movie starlet, we were meant to assume he was exaggerating (and to take the tales of his escapades in Thailand and the Philippines as sad but true).

        On the other hand… Liz Hurley.

        On top of that, there’s Shane Warne’s star role at the 2003 World Cup – surely THE story of the tournament, overshadowing even the black armbands and the games were only one team turned up (literally… which must rank the 2003 edition as one of the most pathetic “World” Cups of any sport, ever).

        So yes, there’s easily a case that Warne is the more ridiculous and unbelievable of the two.

  5. I dreamed last night that Steve Waugh was breaking my windows because I possessed the secret of how to piss off my whole team and still be a successful captain

  6. It’s a bit out there but it’s no more absurd than the more common crackpot theories known as religious creationism eg talking snakes, jewish zombies and sky wizards

    1. Knew he’d cropped up before, but had totally forgotten about this. Thought it was worth another airing.

  7. I’m easily confused at my age.

    So here’s a piece that I didn’t recognise, but it turns out it was first published way back when. Precisely when I was at Morgan’s Rock in Nicaragua, about to be shipwrecked – the following piece is one of my favourite travel disaster stories:

    http://ianlouisharris.com/2016/02/16/nicaragua-morgans-rock-to-mukul-16-february-2016/

    To add to my confusion, the KC site has designated the republishing date to have been a couple of weeks ago, but I’d put an old sixpence on it that the piece was actually republished today. I wonder whether the site has been victim to a cyber attack…or even a Cybermen attack. Scary.

  8. Forget the “Gatting Ball” The finest ball to be bowled in test cricket is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VTwzxh38Pw

    I was eating a chicken pathia at the time, and remember thinking ‘Stewie, you’ve just been done like a kipper’. It was pure genius.

    Then Shane became a twunt, and his twuntishness was shown up when he hit the Sky commentary box. When he uttered the immortal line: “59 cherries left. Four poles to get.” he was elevated, in my estimation, to raging toss piece. Then I forgot about him. When he came on for a commentary stint on Sky my head just went LALALA, so I was quite surprised when this wasn’t too bad: youtube.com/watch?v=jeYa7HKqWS4

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