The South hit the North and the great flattener

Posted by
< 1 minute read

Hit the North cover

One of the few things that people agree upon about the lyrics of The Fall’s Hit the North is that one of the first lines is “my cat says eeeeee-ack”.

So what can we agree upon about the South’s hitting of the North’s bowlers today? That it was more successful than the North’s hitting of the South’s bowlers, we suppose.

As for the relative northern- and southernness of these supposedly representative sides, we remain unimpressed. The birthplaces of the North’s batsmen – Hong Kong, Kent, Transvaal, Cumbria, Shrewsbury, Bristol – don’t hint that too many of them would pass our patented ‘butter-bath’ test.

Because what is the supposed North-South divide about, if not monophthongs?

Elsewhere, SHAKIB AL HASAN earned himself a bit of impulsive upper case usage after making a hundred and giving Bangladesh a first innings lead over Sri Lanka. He’s one to watch. Mark our words.

New Zealand and South Africa are also Testing each other. Looking at the scores so far, we’re hoping the pitch is hinting that it might be the kind of flattener on which Nathan Astle did his thing. You never know.



Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. Wigan
    The stunning Linda Nolan
    Mark E Smith doing audience participation
    Brix Smith doing some sewing

    Yep, I reckon that pretty much sums things up.

    Interestingly, aside from the obvious geographical references, this is very much Hit The North West. The NW is completely different from the other parts of the country that lay claim to the word North, and there’s something in this video that is distinctly norwestian.

    I think it’s the lack of sentimentality. You can’t imagine a Yorkshire band doing a similar video without Arcadian scenes of sheep and dry stone walls, or a Newcastle video without it being a eulogy for the working man. The NW is just honest about itself, which is probably why it was voted Most Desirable Place to Live in the Whole World by readers of Cool People’s Monthly.

    1. Let’s have a look at the balance sheet for The South, then

      Racing Boats – depends on whether sails are involved

      Being distantly related to the royals – probably a minus?

      Cider that tastes like apple juice – definitely a plus

      Rhyming Slang – I’d say a minus

      Calling a bacon roll a bacon roll, not something different like barm/barmcake/batch/bun/bap depending on the type of bread used, what street you live in, what time of day it is and what the weather was last Friday – on balance, a plus

      Having 2 too many players on a rugby team – a minus again

      So there you have it… Wales is clearly the winner.

  2. Shakib Al Hasan is doing the thing a lot of allrounders tend to do which is turn into a batsman. Before 2017 he had 15 five fors and 3 tons, essentially Bangladesh’s best bowler despite batting in the top six. This year he’s averaged 60 with the bat and hit two centuries, but taken his wickets at 48 with a sharp drop in bowling workload.

    Unusual to see this effect at the age of 29. But it’s unusual to spend a decade as your country’s best bowler and batsman, so Shakib can do what he wants really.

    1. Not sure about this – though there are plenty of all-rounders who evolve into batsmen, some go the other way. Goughy was introduced as an “all-rounder” early in his Test career – he was expected to average mid-20s, I think. And Stuart Broad was once suggested a future number 7, particularly after hitting his 169. That’s his sole century and he now bats about number 10.

  3. OK the experiment is done and I can confirm that King Cricket’s northerner/southerner detection test is the preferred method.

    Daisy and I ate last night with Escamilllo Escapillo (from Rochdale) and Lavender (from the southern shires) – see match reports passim. It was my treat, to help celebrate EE’s birthday.

    After the repast, as we parted company, Escamillo Escapillo said, “thanks for dinner”. Whereas Lavender said, “ta very much, ’twas a reet gradely tea”.

    But on the butter/bath shibboleth test, Escamillo Escapillo was unquestionably northern and Lavender unquestionably southern.

    So there you have it; now empirically tested in conditions as close to laboratory trials as is possible for social anthropology research.


Comments are closed.