Unity, leadership not a problem – Holder

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We’re thinking about getting more into uninspired, derivative headlines. This is what we’d have gone with for our latest Cricinfo piece.

And while we’re linking, it’s also just occurred to us that we never pointed you towards the latest king added to our pantheon over at All Out Cricket. This one is – to misunderstand and then adapt a common phrase – straight out of rightfield. It’s that bell-end Warnie.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


    1. Thanks all.

      Regarding the Cricinfo one, you’ll all be delighted to hear that it has received a comment.

      Genuine or not? Surely it can’t be, but then it’s a very sophisticated parody if it isn’t…

    2. Don’t mean to in any way insult the piece, King, but that chap’s comment is by far the funniest thing on the page. 😆

  1. The Cricinfo one pretty much skewers a lot of what’s wrong with the West Indies at present. No point commenting there as the majority of mine don’t seem to get posted. Even the ones not mentioning the not-bent-honest N Srinivasan.

  2. Incidentally, the bottom-most picture of Warne looks like he’s trying as hard as possible to show off his bell-end.

  3. I tried my best to not rate Warne – with stupid reasons like Murali’s total wickets etc – until I read that kingsofcricket piece of yours. It got me thinking, and as one day cricket goes, I do not remember much details of older games vividly, but always remembers when we were bowled out by Warne, and also his bowling. So I remember losses more painfully than wins against Ozz, that sucks. The Downtown-Africa batsmen of the mid 90’s were so mesmerized by him, it makes me want to support Afghanistan in the WC.
    The most annoying part however for me was always when he scored some substantially crucial runs.

  4. You have Warne spot on. And his competitiveness was fascinating. Seeing him turn it square in a county game was something else, knowing that surely, surely, Warnes don’t give a flying prawn about beating Kents, so why try so hard? A win’s a win, mucka.

    Anyhow, paralysing fear, utter contempt, ultimate dismay and eventual begrudging recognition. Nice overview for a generation of overcome English fans.

    1. Have you seen the fields BMac is setting? 3 slips a gully and only fine leg outside the circle.

    2. Guess I was being optimistic.

      Good job, England. Lull Scotland into a genuine sense of security.

  5. Can Ged do Twenty-thirded? I’m asking for the 3rd umpire and possibly the 4th umpire and the match referee

    1. Thank heavens they are getting rid of the minnows next world cup to avoid mismatches like this. Just imagine what NZ are going to do to Scotland if they did this to England.

  6. Cricket admin is so stupid. Why have a lunch break with 12 runs to go? Just give them Maccas on the field and get the pain over with.
    Pietersen may be a nutter but he is badly needed by this sorry bunch.

  7. I’m taking plenty of positives form the overnight game.

    England are performing consistently.

    England are playing as a unit.

    Almost all of the England players are now due.

    Both host nations have peaked way too early.

    I got far more sleep last night than I was expecting, which is good because I have plenty to do today.

    1. Waste of time, Sam. Firstly because England aren’t going to win, so it’s a waste of a fiver. Secondly because if they do win there isn’t enough money in the world to pay you your winnings.

  8. Here lies English cricket. Like a lame racehorse outside a French restaurant it was taken out back and shot.

    ‘We thought about flying it to Dignitas but decided it would be more merciful to put it down here and now.’ A tearful Paul Downton admitted before sobbing into his cheap kiwi half-strength lager.

    Asked to comment, Giles Clarke was reportedly unavailable. Anonymous sources subsequently claimed he was lying on a bed made entirely out of used, non-sequential £50 notes after he sold the Pataudi Trophy to the BCCI, theirs to keep in perpetuity.

  9. Those of us who remember the Zimbabwe series in the mid-90s (we flippin’ murdered them) will recall the disappointment among England supporters that the second test was largely lost to rain. England had conceded a first innings deficit, you will remember, being all out for less than 200. The disappointment was due to the series being a 0-0 draw, allowing the people in charge to largely ignore the failings of the team for another decade or so. A lost series would have resulted in pressure for something to be done. The draw just precipitated another glass of sherry and a discussion about how the children were doing at boarding school.

    So here’s the worst case scenario:

    England beat Scotland
    England lose to Sri Lanka
    England beat Bangladesh
    England beat Afghanistan
    England finish 4th in the group and go through to the next round
    England lose to Australia in the quarter-final

    The problem with this is that Australia are favourites. It’s no surprise to go out to the tournament favourites. We gave ourselves a fighting chance, but in the end the tournament favourites justified that rank. It’s what one might expect, that’s what tournament favourites means, after all. Ooh yes, I think I will have another. Yes, the Amontillado please. So, Horatio’s on the rugger team, you must be very proud.

    In other words, this is a call to action. England is under attack, not from the French this time, but from a worse foe, that complacency that comes with a smoking jacket and received pronunciation. England supporters, your country needs you. England expects that every man will do his duty and support Scotland. In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility. But when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the traitor. We shall fight them on the opposing side. Once more unto the telly, dear friends, once more, so we can watch the Scots win by a mile. England supporters of the world unite behind Scotland; you have nothing to lose but your chance of ever seeing England win a match.

    1. Huzzah!

      (Although on a point of pedantry, England can’t play Australia in the quarter-finals as they are in the same group.)

    2. We lost to Ireland last time, nobody gave a shit.

      We refused to play Zimbabwe once or twice, failed to get through to the super somethings (8s? 10s? Who can remember?), nobody gave a shit.

      We got knocked out of the one we were holding before our team song was released, nobody gave a shit.

      I don’ think losing to Scotland will be enough. England need to lose to Bangladesh and Afghanistan as well.

      It has to be the wooden spoon.

    3. Nobody remembers ODIs. I know The World Cup Is Important and everything, but it’s Test matches that matter. We could lose every game of this tournament, but if we win the Ashes what does it matter?

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