Ian Ronald Bell is an actual hero

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< 1 minute read

In the words of Alan Partridge: “Jurassic Park!”

How can we explain what has happened today? Ignore the dismissal near the end, Ian Bell did the job. This was not expected by anyone.

Imagine you’ve got a wooden spoon. This wooden spoon can somehow create dazzling pyrotechnic displays that light up the night sky. Some of your friends say: ‘Wow, that’s one hell of a wooden spoon you’ve got there.’

‘Yeah, great,’ you think (in a sarcastic tone of voice, because that’s how you think). You know the wooden spoon better than your friends. Whenever you’re trying to cook some methi gosht, the spoon does a quick burst of strobe lighting before going all bendy.

That’s no good. It may be impressive, but it’s useless as a wooden spoon and that’s what you want it for: to carry out the wooden spoon work – stirring and suchlike.

One day, you’re cooking murgh makhani and it starts to stick, but you can’t find a good spoon. In desperation, you grab the wooden spoon and jab it into the pan. To your surprise, it retains its rigidity and doesn’t set off a catherine wheel or anything like that. It just does the job for which it was intended.

When you taste the murgh makhani, it has benefited from the browning flavours bequeathed to it by the short period where it stuck to the pan and it tastes better than anything you’ve ever cooked.

You look at the wooden spoon and you apologise for all those occasions where you called it a knobhead and told it to go back to Warwickshire and stop testing everyone’s patience. For the time being, all is forgiven.


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  1. It’s a very good analogy.

    But if I may carry it on, the problem with using a wooden spoon is that if you accidently leave it in the sauce, it can taint the flavour.

    And who wants a Belly tasting sauce?

  2. We did consider including a line about how the wood of the spoon had somehow improved the flavour, but decided against it.

    Always trust your instincts when it comes to kitchen utensil analogies.

  3. Bell sucks
    Bell sucks
    Bell sucks
    Bell sucks

    and now he’s going to haunt you for all eternity. good job.

  4. Had Bell survived a further 11 balls yesterday afternoon, I might have had a fundamental shift of views about him.

    As it was, he almost played a match winning innings but then ultimately tried to flush it all down the toily at the 59th minute of the 11th hour. So I am bewildered back to an indifferent position, as always.

    Amazed to see his majesty off the fence on this subject under these circumstances.

  5. I too am still a fence sitter still on Ian Bell although after yesterday I am in danger of teetering off. Thought he’d lost it at the end and had gone all bendy again just when he’s needed.

    Great article.

  6. Just buy a ready made meal land chuck it in the microwave is my advice to any youngsters out there.

    I also have a sneaking feeling that Ronald The Almost Hero fascinates you in some kind of unconscious, uncomfortable way.

  7. Ian Bell
    Did very well
    Keeping England’s chances alive
    Which will keep him in the team for the forseeable future despite the fact that he’ll only average 35.

  8. He’s still managed the three most ridiculously tame dismissals of the series.. We’re fortunate that for the last test he managed some runs before his brain melted.

  9. It’s about time Bell did some bloody work!

    When he does something rather out of character and actually amazing – then he will be a Hero in my book.

    And not before!

  10. “Attempted Haiku”

    As in:

    Big Daddy now has Haystacks in a three-quarter lock, as Haystacks had positioned himself for the attempted haiku. Always a risky move, that. Got to make sure your moras are properly counted before trying.

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