A Malahide beer tent report (Ireland v India, 2023)

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Send your match reports to king@kingcricket.co.uk. We’re only really interested in your own experience, so if it’s a professional match, on no account mention the cricket itself. (But if it’s an amateur match, feel free to go into excruciating detail.)

Thanks to Chuck for this match report and apologies for seemingly not acknowledging it, but for some reason we keep getting bounce-backs whenever we try and reply.

Chuck writes…

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a King Cricket Match Reporter seeking to avoid mentioning the actual cricket in their report must be better off attending a professional cricket match in which there is absolutely no cricket played.

Thus I found myself, yet again, in Malahide, looking at the persistent rain – and zero cricket – from inside a beer tent, on the occasion of the third T20 between Ireland and India, a rubber that was already D.O.A. 

I had arranged to meet my occasional cricket companion, The Kerryman, in the village for lunch beforehand and had chosen – not out of spite or anything – a Pakistani restaurant (which was excellent). 

For the avoidance of doubt, and to forestall any future legal issues, I can confirm The Kerryman had agreed in advance to be featured in this match report under the sobriquet The Kerryman, being as he hails from Kerry (or The Kingdom, as they call it down there).

The morning having been bright and sunny, we were disappointed on leaving the restaurant environs to be greeted by drops of rain. The Kerryman didn’t hesitate to cover up immediately to protect his Portillo-salmon trousers but I persisted in my shirt sleeves in an effort to tell the Rain Gods that – oh no! – they weren’t going to rain this one off, not again! But even I had to succumb to reality by the time we got to the grounds, with the rain attaining a worryingly persistent look about it.

Without even a pretence of looking at the merchandise stalls or bagsying some seats in the stands, we repaired immediately to the beer tent to console ourselves. The beer tent offers a distinct lack of variety – it is one stout, one lager or one cider, and that’s your lot – at EUR7.50 a pint. We had little choice… but to stay there.

Said beer tent was heaving with Indian fans and Indian music. Not a note of ‘The Fields of Athenry’ or ‘Ireland’s Call’ to be heard. We felt like away fans in the wrong end – but entirely safe, of course.

We did wander out to the stands at one point, when the rain appeared to be easing… but it was the Rain Gods merely toying with us, and while we were out in the air we decided to wander back to the village. Not before we secured, via a bodily stamp, definitive proof, if proof were needed, that we had made a valid ticketed entrance earlier. Read it and weep.

On the way out, we witnessed, but alas obtained no photographic evidence of, an act of cultural misappropriation: an Indian fan dressed as a leprechaun. We speculated on the outcry there would be if this had been reversed (that is, a leprechaun dressed as an Indian fan).

A couple of pints later, the match was abandoned without a ball being bowled. 

Our decision to leave already vindicated, we made sure to follow the instructions on how to use the toilets.

We also obeyed the zero tollerant (sic) rules around drug use.

The Kerryman’s sensible wife came to collect him shortly thereafter. 

I had one further philosophical pint and a bag of scampi fries (EUR2) before being removed from the premises instantly.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. I think the difference between an Indian restaurant vs Pakistani/Bangladeshi restaurant is that, in the Indian restaurant they don’t put an egg on top of the veg biryani.

  2. Great idea about a philosophical pint. Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle. Great match report, Chuck, right up there in the pantheon.

  3. Superb match report from you featuring the lack of cricket at Malahide yet again, Chuck. I regret to report that, unlike 2015, this time, Daisy and I did not venture across the Irish Pond on the day of your adventure.

    You probably don’t particularly want to know that Daisy and I spent the day before your sodden day at Malahide with Yorkshire Simon & Pinner Pear Fran in glorious sunshine watching Middlesex thrash Yorkshire at Radlett. No match report but a few pictures:


    Ironic, really because our attempts to see out ground cricket with Simon & Fran are normally blighted by rain, much like your attempts to see cricket at Malahide.

    1. Thanks Ged, let’s make sure we don’t meet up again, next time there is no cricket in Malahide, next year, again. And just take it from there, really.

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