Kings and Royals shunted from their IPL thrones

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Viva la repubblica

There is only one acceptable way to get a royal title: by going along with what everyone’s calling you because you can no longer be arsed explaining that Brian Lara’s the king, not you. Royalty through exasperated resignation.

Any other route to a title is flat-out wrong. If you self-apply some sort of royal nomenclature, you’re definitely a wrong ‘un, so we won’t be crying into our bacon and cheese Staffordshire oatcakes that Kings XI Punjab and Rajasthan Royals have been booted from the IPL


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. Lalit is putting the boot into the Super Kings – furiously tweeting “All illegal things done by CSK amd its owners have been over looked by BCCI. Why ? Who is running the show. What has Srinivasan got om them” and then a whole barrage of anti royalist re-tweeting. Much fun to be had

  2. So is that actually how it happened? Back in January 2006 I was only 3 years old, so I can claim no recollection of them oldy days. I just assumed that King Cricket became manifest on the Earth fully formed, title and all, causa sui, long before the internet came along. And if it is true, why were you talking in the first person plural even then, if it wasn’t something to do with being royal?

    And why was Shahid Afridi in your top ten of cricketers?

  3. Yes, that is how it happened.

    We spoke in the first person plural because we were trying to project a style of voice as if our shod were produced by an editorial team. Then about three days in we started talking about ourself and got in a tangle and have regretted it daily every since. (The official line is that it’s the royal ‘we’ though).

    Shahid Afridi would still be in our top ten. We absolutely love Shahid Afridi.

  4. When the historians of cricket come to write their sections on peripheral blatherings (twenty-eight volumes) they are going to be mighty disappointed at this prosaic genesis. If I were you, I’d burn those old pages, then invent a decent origins myth –

    “At lunch on the third day Cardus got together with Arlott to discuss a plan. They decided that the game of cricket simply couldn’t survive without their style of comments. What they needed was a method of preserving their minds for all eternity, probably in some sort of jar, together with a way of disseminating their thoughts across the whole world. Cardus, attempting to convey the sense of the conversations that go on during cricket practice sessions in his native Manchester, coined the term “In-t’-net” for his system. Only the very best cricket minds would be preserved in the jars, and the comments that they made would be issued as joint statements, indicated by the use throughout of the first person plural…”

    See. Much better.

  5. Never mind all this cricket bollocks, “bacon and cheese Staffordshire oatcakes” sounds fabulous. Where do you get them from, O King?

    As for the demise of the Royals, does that mean that Hampshire can go back to being called the Hawks or whatever they were, leaving the Royals name alone for Worcestershire?

  6. Staffordshire oatcakes can be found in supermarkets as far north as Cheshire, as far south as Staffordshire, as far east as Staffordshire and as far west as Staffordshire.

  7. I can confirm that Staffordfshire oatcakes can be found in Tescos in Stafford. Which is in central Staffordshire.

  8. You can get oatcakes in south Manchester some of which used to be in Cheshre, then was part of Greater Manchester but is now just Manchester. Sometimes it says Lancashire as well in those online address generators but parts of south Manchester used to be in Lancashire but aren’t anymore and Lancashire play at Old Traffod which is in Trafford. I think neither Aigburth, Lytham nor Blackpool are in Lancashre anymore but I don’t know if you can get oatcakes there. You can get them in Cannock which is in Staffordshire.

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